Hey!

The goat's back, fueled by some lovely General Mills cereal tastiness, and by an extreme lack of sleep!  Not only that, i'm rockin at fucking eight in the morning on a Saturday (when I really ought to be sleeping) jamming out to one of my mix CDs.  It's seriously all about mixing up songs, dude.  While i've made better mixes, i like this particular one since it takes the listener (me, mostly - although the Lobster, i know, has the disc as well) on a bit of ride.  Not necessarily the cliched "emotional rollercoaster" but a simple journey, if nothing else.  It's definately traveling music - music for the nights where the call of the road is simply to strong to ignore, the fragrance of the air simply too rich to withstand, the song of night simply too sweet to resist.

Songs I Adore, Volume 1

The Smashing Pumpkins - The Everlasting Gaze
Rush - Vapor Trail
The Smashing Pumpkins - Stand Inside Your Love
Live - Run to the Water
Radiohead - Let Down
Dave Matthews Band - Lie In Our Graves
Dave Matthews Band - Where are you Going
David Gray - Say Hello Wave Goodbye
Afro Celt Sound System - Persistence of Memory
Radiohead - Lucky
Radiohead - Subterranean Homesick Alien
Loreena McKennitt - Night Ride Across the Caucasus
Dave Matthews Band - Grace is Gone
Apocalyptica - Oh Holy Night
 
I do that on almost all of my mixes, aside from discs used for spin class or other exercising - and parties.  If i can successfully turn the action of basic listening and enjoyment of the songs into a journey through the listener's life and ultimately inner self, I feel like, well, it's a kick-ass mix.

This one will no doubt take me on a nice, well-needed journey this morning.

I feel like the past few weeks have been so fucking messed up.  I talked with my close friend the Lobster the other day, and I more or less said, dude, my chi has done a complete 180.  From parting ways with my girlfriend to meeting a local girl that is really grooving on me to being away from some pretty important people in my life, things have been crazy.

My ex girlfriend and I were together for over six months, and although we didn't do a whole lot ... on a few levels ... that's a substantial chunk of time.  One invests a lot into a relationship, especially one that you're continuously trying to salvage, so when it ended i was left feeling a bit empty.  The best way I could describe the feeling was like getting off of a plane, alone, that you thought was bound for someplace you know - let's say SLC,- but end up in some cracked-out place like Tahiti.  While Tahiti would be pretty sweet, all things considered, it's no SLC.  Likely devoid of such familar things like statues of the angel Moroni and Wal-Marts, it would offer all sorts of new experiences.  However, you're by yourself.

Then, while dealing with the adjustment of being single, bam! Nic and Nicole take it upon themselves to try and set me up with this friend of theirs, not a few days after the breakup.  I have to hand it to them, i suppose, for thinking of me and trying to find me someone, but this one just isn't my dig, to put it right out there.  She's fun, don't get me wrong, but having a friend one can go out with once and awhile is one thing, but a relationship is a whole 'nother bear, reader.  The situation is a bit more complicated, too, because she's so awfully into me.  Like, to the point of being possessive of me when we're out on the town.  One of the servers at the restaurant/bar we dropped into last night was digging on me, too, and was flirting like it was going out of style.  To be true, she actually really offended me by making fun of my name (i'm sure she thought it was playful, given the context of everything else, but dude.... that's not cool, man), but that's not the primary point.  The deal is, man, she was being a total spaz about this.  And goat's aren't generally used to that.  Alas, the furry creatures are used to people trusting them, for they're fairly placid creatures.  They may bleat occasionally if annoyed or provoked, but most of the time they simply keep to themselves, muching on tin cans and shoelaces and such.

So when said girl starts raising concerns about how many girl friends i have, i'm just like, whoa.  Yes, i admit, a good portion of my friends are girls - perhaps more than half - but what's wrong with that?  I guess it befuddles me that someone wouldn't trust me.  Of course, on the flip side, i've caught lots of shit from some friends and family for being too trusting myself, so maybe this is an all-around issue: thinking that people are inherently good, pure, and trusting.  The older and older i get, the more i realise that's not the complete truth, and it doesn't piss me off - it disappoints me.

Plus, she's older than me.  While being older isn't a big deal, sometimes, she's old enough that there's a big difference in what we've both experienced in life.  Hers has been way more wild than mine, mostly the "bad" side of wild, and mine has been nothing short of, well, good.  I've had my share of ups and downs - the Black Summer of 2002, for example, and some interesting childhood memories from back at that thar mo-bile home park i grew up in - but when i look back on my life, it's been lots of fun, and for the most part, good.

I could go on and on about why her and I simpy wouldn't work in the long term, but even before all that stuff lies a basic, important fact:  I just don't feel the same way about her that she does for me.  With her I've never felt that deep, resonant click of a new connection.  That's important to me!  Perhaps i'm a bit weird, but that's something that I look for.  I'm a bit of a believer in connections and this nebulous thing I call "the path" or "the flow."  If something isn't in the path, or the flow of things, it can register a bit negatively.  Because deep down I know it's not meant to be, for some reason.  That doesn't necessarily mean we can't learn from experiences or take some positives away from the messes we deal with from time to time, but the real stuff, the true stuff - I know deep-down if it's mean to be, and if it's not, I'll move along, along the path.

Sometimes, though, the path gets blocked and you need to take a detour.  With not much effort I can look back with impeccable hindsight and see where I veered off course.  There are times where this is almost necessary - required if for no other reason than to keep your sanity.  However, there are just as many times where veering off course isn't the best idea, and you know it when you do it.  Right now, i'm struggling a bit to get back onto the path, although i almost always let the flow take me where it will.

Perhaps this slight stray from my normal course is in the plan, and it's meant to teach me something.  Not the ex/gf breakup thing, but the other girl, the one who wants me but i really don't.  What will this teach me?  What will it show me, about myself, and others?  What will it help me do? 

So many questions!  Too bad there's noone I can ask, noone I can call for a quick fix.  These issues aren't quickly patched, though, with a little plaster or nail-hole filler.  No, these can be full replace-the-drywall jobs, because afterwards, you come out a bit newer, a bit stronger.  And they're things you need to ultimately do yourself, with no free Home Depot course to show you the way.  But in the big picture of life, this will probably be just a tiny bump in the road, an experience that if nothing else taught me a little bit more about who I am.

Fuck - it feels like the SLC experience took my soul and amplified it by a thousand times, like someone unscrewed a tiny christmas light from it and rammed in a concert-grade spotlight.  This whole summer has brought me back so much to myself, and reminded me of who I was.  While dating my ex girlfriend I lost a bit of that - let myself forget who i was, in a way.  I'm glad it's back.

Damn... i should stop writing!  I know you're saddened, reader, but today's a big day!  This afternoon is our company picnic, which i had the pleasure of planning myself.  This requires a bit of coordination - as there are about 130 people showing up - so I should go tend to that, and other errands I must run.  Until we speak again, have a wonderful Saturday filled with smiles.