Finally... i can write again! It seemed like i wasn't feeling the love, so to speak, these past few days, but I was able to churn out a piece tonight that i've been toying with the past few days. Perhaps the sangria fuled me tonight, or just another moment of inspiration from seeing the moon again - purely golden like last night, and bloated and wise, seated just above the eastern horizon.

Have a peaceful night, reader - dream of the one you love - and wake tomorrow with smiles.


the nightchild ageless


my weary journey home
felt a bit like christmas -
the moon high, distant,
a little farther off
on a night
at the cusp
of an indian summer

I floated above the streets
by white headlights, red and green stoplights
all the colors of december
caught within the center
of a Friday-night explosion -
main-street traffic of youngsters -
and I fall back to an early morning, five years old
inching towards the tree
two steps a time
by white lights, red bows, green needles
colors of my yuletide fancies

and I rolled down the window
slowly hung my arm out
and remembered the chill of the night
years ago, stamping angels in the front-yard snow
blinded by the yellow light
pouring out the windows
color of my family’s love

I drove

and my journey closed
as I rounded the corner
the colors faded, the traffic died
and I resurrected at last a lonely road,
buried deep in a winter long ago
prairie night filled with arctic light
and sharp canadian gales
blinded by white wind and green sky
the colors of god beneath the stars

the images fold
like pages of a manuscript stapled tight
and between time, beside them all,
I lie
and over it all
the same moon
shines down


Good evening, folks. I'm on my way to bed shortly here, but as i let my hair dry, i thought it prudent to stop on over to the 'ol blog and toss an entry out for the hell of it.

And, i just felt like writing tonight.

Today started off with grand aspirations. Although I didn't make it into the office until 7:40am (hey, a goat's gotta sleep in sometimes) I got some decent stuff done today while i was there. It did get a little stressful, though, so by the time i got home i was ready just to let it all hang out, relax, and chill with dustin and his brother and other friends for his bro's 21st birthday.

Before that, however, i had a hell of a rollercoaster ride. There were tremendous ups - two letters from Kris, which was a fucking awesome surprise, man, and a cool little chat with Zan, as well. All that positive energy was by all means welcome (as it always is), but even moreso considering the other crap that went down around the same time. My grandmother called me and proceeded to start going off about my old man, and a bunch of related family matters, including my stepbrother's suicide a year and a half ago, etc etc... and it brought out a lot of darkness into what i had thought would be a bright, stellar, simply chill evening.

Alas, i was called on to assume the role of moral supporter, to help my grandmother through some particularly heavy emotions. The bitch of this task, though, is that I want to be there for pretty much everyone, and will be there for everyone, but it does begin to drag a person down over time, because, sadly, there's only so much energy that i can push out to those in need - especially when i'm in a state myself where i'm not the fullest; i'm battling the creeping death as well as these bouts of not-quite-depression but just blueness that keep trying to take hold. I've been more or less successful at keeping those at bay, but nonetheless it's hard to ward off destructive feelings and help someone at the same time. Especially when you have a direct association with the same shit the person you're helping is dealing with.

It's times like these where i begin to wonder if some of my personality traits - being overly sensitive and empathetic, being able to see both sides to damn near everything, not seeing things in black and white - are really blessings or are outright curses. I'm crossing my fingers and hoping that those traits are actually good things. I feel like a fence-sitter most of the time (unless it concerns obvious wrongs, like George W. or lima beans or something), but again, maybe that's a good thing - that i'm not too overly reactionary, unless in those cases where i'm so passionate about something i can't help but be reactionary; to not be reactionary over something as childish as an amendment to ban gay marriage, or fight against voter apathy, or take a stand against any other thing that is right is a denial of one's self, of your passions, of life.

Even though i abrupty left my stepbrother's visitation, and couldn't bring myself to attend the funeral, for christ's sake, because of the insanity that blew up during the visitation, i can see why it happened. From my family's side, at least.

Anyways, yeah, the night got a little off-kilter after talking over some of that stuff with my grandmother. Things were looking up after talking with zan, though, and meeting dustin and the rest of the crew at the restaurant. After some tasty tex-mex and unsweetened iced tea (the latter of which Goats are quite fond), i was doing okay.

(somehow, though, i managed to cut open my lower lip on the top of cody's car door before dinner began. don't ask...)

all said and done, i was looking forward to bowling and generally chilling with my friends. Dustin and I met up with cody and his ex-girlfriend at his house, and plans encountered a bit of a change. Upon arrival all hell seemed to break loose as cody and his ex began fighting. It wasn't some mega huge nuclear extravaganza, but it wasn't much fun to experience, and it left both pretty well shaken. After a good spot of talking, between all of us, she took off, taking his keys - since he'd been drinking - and the remaining three of us ended up axing the plans to bowl. Instead, we took off, picked up cody's new girl, and came back to the house, where we just sort of sat around. All the while i was coughing to beat hell, and getting more tired as well, so i decided to call it an early night around 10:00 in the interest of keeping my health as well as it can be.

That leads me to where i am now; blogging like a mad fiend. It's been good spending some time with you tonight, reader. Alas, I ought to hit the sack and catch some beauty rest - and try and recover from this wicked creeping death i have. Word on the street is that dustin is gonna give me the echinacea hook-up tomorrow, though, so hopefully that'll help me kick this thing's ass.

Have a blissfully calm night, reader, and we'll meet again soon.


goddamn... i've been a regular poetry machine lately! Thanks to the firecracker-shoving-up-the-ass nature of road trips to cool places and moments spent with fucking brilliant folk, i've been so much more in tune with my inner Goat, and i'm glad. Here's my latest concoction.

by the way, i made a mean soup tonight. Vegetable noodle it was, and oh, it was so damned good, i ate one bowl of its spicy goodness, and then, man, i got all nuts, and had soup after my soup! Yes, two soups, hehe. Maybe that's why i'm all jazzed tonight!

Have an amazing saturday night, reader, and rest peacefully.




the day introduces itself to me with
a tender light,
childishly peeking round the edges
of the blinds
and it begins to speak, quietly,
in a secretive little voice
I learn from its whisper
that I have a license to kill

the white morning beckons,
and I lean in close, finding out
what it means to be a butcher
softening the sting
that burns like daylight
on pallid vampire skin
and I see what it’s like to be
a murderer
a killer of things that cut deep
like slaughterhouse knives
held tight against straining necks

I learn this as bright smiling nature
waltzes on my window
and swings ‘round my ceiling
in a smooth dance of courage and hope
the solar heat a blowtorch
firing the engines within my heart
and the light
my beloved’s arms around me softly
whispering, telling me
that in the end
I’ll be smiling


Song of the moment:

Dave Matthews Band - I'll Back You Up

I remember thinking
I'll go on forever only knowing
I'll see you again
But I know
The touch of you is so hard to remember
But like that touch I know no other

And for sure we have danced
In the risk of each other
Would you like to dance
Around the world with me

I'll be falling all about my own thing
And I know you're the heaviest weight
When you're not here that's hung
Around my head
And your lips burn wild
Thrown from the face of a child
And in your eyes
The seeing of the greatest few
Do what you will, always
Walk where you like, your steps
Do as you please, I'll back you up

I remember thinking
Sometimes we walk
Sometimes we run away
But I know
No matter how fast we are running
Somehow we keep
Somehow we keep up with each other

I'll be falling all about my own thing
And I know you're the heaviest weight
When you're not here that's hung
Around my head

And your lips burn wild
Thrown from the face of a child
And in your eyes
The seeing of the greatest few
Do what you will, always
Walk where you like, your steps
Do as you please, I'll back you up

... have a wonderful Friday, guys.


Wow... I am so tired. But i felt as though i just had to write, so here's the fruits of my labor this evening, after going for a short evening walk in my neighborhood. Although i'm still sick as hell, i'm not letting that keep me too down! It's simply too nice for a Goat to be cooped up indoors, all farm-like and what not.

Have a beautiful night, reader, and may tonight bring you infinite happiness.




it all starts with the quiet girl
the punker on her phone
wrapped tightly in black,
low-rise jeans hanging low -
the only sound a single arc-sodium
across the street
speaking softly, shrouding us

a shared casual glance
and then the empty street -
tonight it’s smothered by grayblue flicker
and the folk are settled in
ready for their midnight journey
but poised to rise again
and live simply
on a morning forever waiting

and after it all, circle ‘round
the tired playground of a weary school,
past families turning in,
and children on late-night adventures;
as the afterheat fades to starlit transcendence
come back home again with a soul on fire
ignited by nothing but an evening stroll
through this simple, beautiful world


Whoa, evidently blogger is on crack this morning - my last two posts actually did post, but in reversed chronological order. So where i bitch about losing my big post, like, the big one is actually the one right below this one. Argh.

I should just go back to bed and start the day over again. :)
K... just lost a big post that i wrote, that took about twenty minutes to write. Blogger evidently really sucks today. So, given the circumstances, and context of how this weekend has been, i'm not terribly pleased.

The Goat has been provoked, and may being bleating in an aggrivated manner.

The general gist of the post was this: being sick sucks ass, and going out last night with my crew for the bachelor party - even though i didn't drink - was likely a big mistake, because i feel like i'm going to die. I'm so congested, coughing to beat hell, and my muscles hurt ... a trip to the doctor may very well be in order tomorrow. Because dying would really cramp my style.

And i really really wanted to go on a mountain bike ride today, but can't, because of my current state of health. This fucking licks ass, because it makes me feel like i'm being imprisoned, held back from experiencing life; i try to make the most out of my days, and when i'm sick, i'm kinda stuck. Perhaps i can catch up on some well-missed reading today, however. That would rock.

That was about all i wrote. Hopefully this post makes it through, too. Have a great Sunday, reader, and stay smilin'.
Hey, guys. I just woke up today and realised it's been quite awhile since I wrote anything, and feeling slightly bad about this, decided I'd come and write for a little bit.

I've been away primarily because i've been trying to battle this new bout of creeping death that I picked up out at WE Fest last week. I have no idea what the fuck this is, but it's killing me nonetheless. It's likely just the plain 'ol cold, but we do have a few cases of the whooping cough in north dakota (and within our company, too) so i may head to the clinic tomorrow just to make sure nothing is fucked. It started out like most colds do for the Goat - tremendously sore throat, then the sniffles, followed by a cough that nags and nags and nags, and finally leaves like a month later. Well, it's been only a week, and i'm in the cough stage, but it's also accompanied this time by some wicked head congestion, and i keep coughing shit up, lots of stuff, which is really rare for me (generally when i get colds they're always dry coughs). My luck, i'm probably just going to die or something, which would totally cramp my style.

I had planned on going on a long mountain bike ride today, too. The bike was in a local repair shop for the past few weeks getting fixed (it was done in a day, but i couldn't pick it up due to scheduling conflicts with work and a severe lack of money this month), but I went and retrieved it this past Wednesday. Thankfully it appears to be rock-solid, as it should be, and i took it out for a tiny 7-mile spin on Friday to make sure it truely was fixed. So... i could ride it now, on a beautiful sunny Sunday morning such as we have now, but i'm fucking sick, and it's gettin' me down, because dammit, i hate missing out on life because of stupid shit like a cough. But i also know in my right mind that I should just stay in and take it easy, lest i get even worse.

And i'm sure last night had something to do with it, too. It was my buddy's bachelor party, so four of us (yeah, only four!) went out on the town, bar hopping and generally painting the town red, after playing some frolf and going out to dinner. Being under the weather I decided to play the role of designated driver, though. That wasn't too bad, and i was totally willing to help my friends out and stuff in an effort to ensure their saftey, but the bars were so awfully smoky. Regardless of dd-ing or not, i just shouldn't have been out there - i came back feeling like shit, far worse off than before i went, and, subsequently, this morning is now pretty damned lame. I'm a little hoarse again (or, a little Goat? more like) , coughing lots, and i have some muscle aches, too, which concerns me. Alas, i'll go visit a doctor tomorrow.

Oh, and yeah, last night i ran over a screw in the road with the Altima, so now one of my tires has this big ass thing protruding from it. As of last night everything seemed well, but who knows if it went flat over last night or not. So that's another little adventure i get to embark on later this afternoon - go get the tire fixed. Dude, i think my luck must have run out after last weekend or something. I'm crossing my fingers and hoping that next week turns out a little better.

For now, though, I'll let you go and get started on your Sunday. The Goat's going to attempt to do so himself, perhaps by first taking a nice, long, hot shower. Have a wonderful day of rest, reader.



The one song that i wanted to hear sooo bad at the Dave show was The Stone. I've seen those guys three times, and man... it's like Rush's Earthshine, Resist, and Bravado - all wrapped into one.

They didn't play it.

But they played it the night before, at the same venue where i was, and i missed it! And my god, right after #41... oh fuck man, i would have simply melted into the ground.

Setlist from the night before my show:

Hello Again
The Stone
Crazy Easy
So Much To Say -->
Super Freak* -->
Too Much
When The World Ends
Help Myself
I'll Back You Up
Joy Ride
Grey Street
Sugar Will
Ants Marching

Typical Situation

Have i been deviating from the path/flow lately? Cause this, man, sucks. What did i do to receive such bad karma? Argh!

Oh well, there'll be another time, perhaps with the Lobster, cause dude... yeah. That would rock beyond words.

Peace, and again, sleep well, reader.
Hey, reader!

I returned from WE Fest and Dave Matthews in one piece... barely. I'm so awfully sleep-deprived it's not even funny (or, perhaps it is, given who's looking at who, haha). I begin speaking in tongues, doing odd little prance-dances, randomly bleating, and eating weird things... like flowers. A yellow rose, in fact, and a little bird tells me that there's some photos of said incident; but, alas, that's another story for another time.

I've had about 5 hours of decent sleep, cumulatively, since Friday night. The whole trip was a hellacious 1100 miles roundtrip, nonstop, from Fargo to East Troy, Wisconsin, where Dave played. More on that experience later. (in short: concert fuckin' awesome, crowd bunkass)

But i reckon that the 'ol Goat should get his nightly beauty rest, since he's not had much in awhile, and could likely scare all sorts of girls away (which doesn't help when the Goat's single!). Plus, i hear tell that the Goat has some wicked cold that he cought out at WE Fest, so he's gonna have to nurse that... or else face the wrath of some evil shit, since he can't shake colds in the summer/autumn season too well. :(

I'll pop in sometime in the next day or so and tell a bit more about the trip. Until then, have a wonderful Monday night, and dream of good times spent with good friends.


Although i'm so awfully tired, i just had to write. Perhaps that - and the thought of a forthcoming package from SLC! - is what i needed today to get back into reality. Almost twelve hours coding will zonk a person out, believe you me.

Anyways, here goes. I'm off to bed, to score some proverbial beauty rest. Although goats are often sexy creatures, they too should get their rest, you see... lest they become onery. Have a pleasant night, reader, and we'll see each other soon.


moonlight fading


my mother’s eyes tell the truth
as she spins the blue moon’s tale
dreams tightly clasped within its light
energy carried into forever
and she hands down the legend
of how it gathers your energy
when finally leaving the night
a rare event, but twice a year

although I see her truth
and hear the positive message,
something else lingers within me,
lit by the dull nothinglight
of my worrisome conscience –

would this celestial rarity take everything?
could it dare steal the essence of me
and push off into the night,
triumphant charcoal flags of death
raised high for all to see?
or would its courage get the better of it?

if I could I’d have the better moon –
I’d surrender my thoughts
let it carry them across the stars
and deliver as a whisper my dreams
on a soft evening breeze
I am the fuckin' shit, dude... i so just got ninja on c#'s ass and busted up some phatty code poetry, man. For all you coders out there, i couldn't get an ESRI ActiveX-based MapControl to host inside of an Infragistics-provided DockableControlPane control. In short, it seemed like it was a problem activating a System.Windows.Forms.ContainerControl. Or something to the effect of it. (it's complicated, but if anyone ever has a problem like this and would like to see the resolution let me know).

See, the mapcontrol derives from AxHost. This class has an Activate method which likely calls Activate on the embedded activex control, but also seems to call Activate on the AxHost.ContainerControl object. Generally that's a Windows Form, but for various reasons I couldn't have my mapcontrol hooked to a Form like that. Hence, when DockableControlPane would invoke the AxHost.Activate() method, it would try and activate its containercontrol, but oops, shit, if it's null, it'll throw a nice ArgumentException. Alas.

Well, UserControl to the rescue! I just built my own, since it derives from ContainerControl, and dropped a MapControl onto it. Then addded the UserControl to my DockableControlPane. Bickety-bam, the proverbial motherfucker is rubble.

Whew. It feels nice when you figure out a problem you've been freaking out about for two weeks at work. :)

Peace, reader.


Word up, homies! Yo yo yo, DJ Goat in the hiz-ouse!

... right. I should just stick to being a hick, ah reckon, than one of them thar rappers. :)

Anyways, my day was pretty cool, and i do hope yours was too, reader. I didn't do much of anything too eventful, aside from go over to the folks' place for my stepmom's birthday - and talk with zan for awhile too, which was awesome as always - and chill with Brianne for a bit tonight, too. So i guess i did keep busy, but it was relaxing, too, and ultimately fulfilling. In some ways, the perfect Sunday.

I had intended on simply popping in before bed to wish you a happy Sunday evening and a wonderful start tomorrow morning. Alas, I decided to - for whatever reason - peek at my old profile on Yahoo! Personals. Back in December 2002 I decided it would be cool to meet some new people around town, particularly a new girl, if I could do such a thing (traditionally it's a royal bitch for me to meet girls, especially awesome ones). Now, I had always been quite opposed to the idea of meeting dates online, but i figured what the fuck, what have I to lose? Surprisingly it worked! A month later I was dating "Elizabeth", my last girlfriend. A few other girls expressed interest in dating, but i was already off the market, so to speak, so i didn't give them much thought.

And, in reality, i'm still not... since from what i could tell they weren't quite Goat material. It takes a special girl, dude - maybe because i'm just so, well, special. :) Anyways, a moment ago I went and looked at my old Yahoo! profile, out of simple curiosity. Here's what I had to say about my goat-self, back in late 2002:

"...I'm not the average dude who just got out of college and is starting a life of his own - and searching for someone to share it with. I've got my head on straight, I know what I want in life, and I'm not afraid to go and find it. But for me, what I want in life isn't just to climb the corporate ladder or constantly party, like, well, my freshman year at college! It's simply to be happy and to meet someone that's totally unique. Happiness for me comes from both the big and the small - from hearing a song on the radio that takes you back, like some Pumpkins or some DMB, to stargazing, mountain biking, or just kicking back with a cold one and watching Lord of the Rings. Happiness is taking a weekend off to see Radiohead with three of your best friends. And it's the thrill of meeting someone new and feeling that deep and amazing click of a connection. They're some of the things I live and breathe for, and I'd love to meet a girl that feels as passionate about life as I do and isn't afraid to be herself. A girl that won't hesitate to open up and connect, constantly teaching, enriching, and making life all the more awesome through the balance created between us. Oh, and she'd be all the cooler if she enjoyed keeping healthy and active (but wouldn't mind lazy Sundays filled with movies!) and was someone who felt as passionate about music as I do. Does this make me different from other guys my age? Sometimes I wonder... but being a little different isn't so bad! "

While most of that isn't that profound, really - just the basic, run-of-the-mill stuff i'm looking for, what surprised me is how close that still is to the kind of girl i'd love to be with. I thought after dating Elizabeth that, if nothing else, i had a stronger conception of who i'd like to share my life with. And in some ways i do, but at the root still lies what I pasted above - and i've always known it. I think that during the six months i was with her that i simply forgot most of it, and didn't much realize the kind of relationship I truly wanted, and in some ways deserve.

You're probably asking, so what, dude, that's what every guy wants. Yeah, probably, i'm sure most guys do - i'd think so, at least. So why even bring it up? Again, you got me! :) Just one of those silly little things that caught my eye and made me go, wow, man, i still feel like that. Kinda like when you don't eat something for about eight years, like smores, and go, holy fuck, those are good - just like i remember! and you sit back wondering why you forgot that they tasted so good in the first place.

Go out and make some smores, guys. Seize the day, get up your courage, and go find your lobster! The person that's totally yours in the world, the one you can spend the rest of your life with. (note the obscure Friends reference there, with the "lobster")

Anywho, enough of my bantering! Have a content and restful Sunday night, reader, and sweet dreams.

Cell phones suck sometimes, dude. Mine was just fucking flipping out on me a moment ago, whilst talking with Zan - it kept shutting itself off. Although likely Cell One's attempt at telling me "bitch, stop using so much free long distance!", it still sucks, cause i was having an awesome conversation tonight. Who knows, maybe the thing was getting overheated, too, but all it would say is

Kyocera... Goodbye

and then when i'd try to turn it on, it'd go

Phone is charging

and i was just like, fuck you man, i don't want you to be off, bitch, i want you on! I don't care if you're charging!

Alas... all good things are meant to come to an end sometime, i suppose. It just sucks when it's during the middle of an awesome conversation! Have a stellar night, reader, and sleep tight. And may you wake with smiles tomorrow.