check it out, i wrote again, finally!



This comfortable, cozy day will end
as the rest, slipping away;
just as the light falls into the earth
the memories will be written
in wisps of fading dreams

hopes cast aside in a parting smile
the fickle touch
desires drawn down in the silence
the turn of the dusty eye

understand, the moon will rise
with stars obscured – in the darkness,
a soothing caress on the hearts
of those with only gossamer threads
of love

but the moon sets, leaving us always
with nothing but faint whispers
echoing from the morning star


Results of the Single Test at http://www.queendom.com/tests/minitests/fx/single.html:

Am I destined to be single? - Score: 70/100

It's not a shock that you're still single. While you're surely a perfectly wonderful human being, you aren't putting yourself in situations where potential partners can discover your natural charm and magnetism! You're just not helping yourself find a date; you may turn down great opportunities to get to know people out of sheer laziness, set unreasonable standards for dating material, or behave in ways that do not signal "available". Perhaps you are an extremely independent person or you just don't really care if you manage to snag a compatible partner. If dating is just fun and games for you and you don't give a fig that you're single, there's nothing wrong with your casual dating behavior. If you are looking for love, however, it wouldn't hurt to start putting in more of an effort. Let your friends set you up, take some classes where you can meet other singles, and give people a chance before you decide they're not the one for you. As long as you don't cross that fine line between friendliness and desperation, you'll be boosting your chances of making a love connection!

Son of a bitch, I knew I was a sack monkey, but the last thing i need is a test at Queendom to tell me this! Alas. :)
Ahh... Thanksgiving.

I'll just start this off and say, goddamn, i ate too much turkey. Inwardly I wonder how many people are thinking the same thing right now across the land... and, yay, I'm one of 'em. I first ran off to my aunt's place around noon for a pot-luck style dinner there, and then went to my dad and stepmom's place for dinner around 3:30. My stepbrother, his wife, and little ones came up from South Dakota, too, so that was rad to see them. By the time i finished there i was seriously ready to hurl, though. Damned near did, actually, which makes for a pretty bogus thanksgiving experience.

And, to boot, this cold that has been threatening to kick my ass for the past few days now finally is. Since Sunday or Monday i've had a stuffy nose and shit, surefire signs something is up, but nothing really came of it till yesterday when my throat started getting a little sore. That's how it usually starts for goats: sore throat, then coughing, then usually the clinic since i can't ever shake the damned things. This morning i could barely swallow, and if nothing else it seems worse now. Sore throats drive me completely batty, so i've been somewhat cranky the past few days too.

Bah... winter is lame.

But life lately has been turning for the better this past week. Last weekend, Steve and The Princess came back to Bismarck; we went to Sidelines and hung at her place and generally had a pretty fun time. And some badass ribs that her mom made, so that kicked ass. Then Tuesday here, both the Lobster and "Funkmastre the Pink" came back from Fargo. It, too, has been wonderful seeing both of them and feeling a little more complete, or just plain me because of it. We've all hung out and chatted and stuff, and the lobster and i made some banana bread yesterday, and that's about it, but i wouldn't trade times like that - good times with good people - for anything.

I guess that's it for now - i planned on writing some crazy huge post action, but i just ran out of gas. Perhaps it's the mass amount of food i ate today, hehe. Have a wonderful turkey-induced lazy Thursday night, reader, and remember that when things seem the darkest, when it seems like noone understands, when it seems like you'll never see the summer sun, remember this: it always gets better.

Song of the Day - Coldplay - Green Eyes

Honey you are a rock
Upon which I stand
And I come here to talk
I hope you understand

That green eyes
Yeah the spotlight, shines upon you
And how could anybody deny you

I came here with a load
And it feels so much lighter
Now I met you
And honey you should know
That I could never go on without you
Green eyes

Honey you are the sea
Upon which I float
And I came here to talk
I think you should know

That green eyes
You're the one that I wanted to find
And anyone who tried to deny you
Must be out of their mind

Because I came here with a load
And it feels so much lighter
Since I met you
And honey you should know
That I could never go on without you

Green eyes
Green eyes
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh ooh

Honey you are the rock
Upon which I stand


oh! i got my hair cut the other night so that kicks ass. perhaps the "vehicle of destruction" will get its oil swapped out tomorrow, if it's lucky, and it behaves. Damned thing...

Btw, my TOCControl's .Buddy property was null cause i'm a tard. Thing is, the primary class for the MapControl (the ultimate Type of the Buddy control) is AxMapControl, which is in ERSI.ArcGIS.MapControl i think. But... the hook wrapper class i designed to be used in the ICommand.OnCreate() method was looking for an IMapControl2. Bunk!

But why is that bunk? Cause the fucking IMapControl2 interface isn't even implemented by AxMapControl! Grr!

so if you go


the the conditional in OnCreate like

public void OnCreate(object hook)
if (hook is IMapControl2)
//do shit

won't get entered. In other words, we won't do shit. Lame! But, if we call the OnCreate method like:


all works well. Evidently the Object property returns some instance of the coclass. wtf. I also hear through the grapevine that the Ocx property of axMapControl1 will return a valid concrete class instance that implements IMapControl2.

Why split up the namespaces though? Just to facilitate the design-time ocx control? But why not lump the coclass and the interfaces and the events into one master namespace? who knows, i'm sure esri has their reasons. just makes it fun when one spends two or three hours discovering said little idiosyncracy. Alas. I'm done ranting now - i'll go read my book and leave you guys alone. :)

peace out, faithful g's of progress!

Respect the Pixies, cause their music will rock your world. And Ministry, too.

Jesus was an architect, previous to his career as a prophet...

Needless to say, i'm pretty ripped up right now. Two margs at the Comfort Inn lounge will do that nicely, at a staggering price of $3.00 total. boo ya!

Perhaps i'll go read some Dark Tower now. What else to do? Enjoy your Friday evening, folken.


Theme of Late - Fucked into Always Seeing Both Sides of Everything

it sucks, man.

So does the fact that my TOCControl's .Buddy property is null. WTF?! It's set at design time dammit. Silly ArcObjects!


Oh... "Week of Madness" update: Dentist bill down, oil change and hair cut to go. Might whack both of those tomorrow, but we'll just see...

Yay for being busy! bah...
Sometimes I just think the world would be a better place if I could go mosh-pitting more often. Like when I did at Disturbed in Minneapolis with Cj and Erin, that was fun.


Song of the Lunch Hour - Loreena McKennitt - Dante's Prayer

When the dark wood fell before me
And all the paths were overgrown
When the priests of pride say there is no other way
I tilled the sorrows of stone

I did not believe because I could not see
Though you came to me in the night
When the dawn seemed forever lost
You showed me your love in the light of the stars

Cast your eyes on the ocean
Cast your soul to the sea
When the dark night seems endless
Please remember me

Then the mountain rose before me
By the deep well of desire
From the fountain of forgiveness
Beyond the ice and fire

Cast your eyes on the ocean
Cast your soul to the sea
When the dark night seems endless
Please remember me

Though we share this humble path, alone
How fragile is the heart
Oh give these clay feet wings to fly
To touch the face of the stars

Breathe life into this feeble heart
Lift this mortal veil of fear
Take these crumbled hopes, etched with tears
We'll rise above these earthly cares

Cast your eyes on the ocean
Cast your soul to the sea
When the dark night seems endless
Please remember me
Please remember me

... just cause it's one of my favorite songs.


I've been busy! While this is kinda cool, since it leaves me less time to dwell on things ('tis a silly enterprise), it does leave me with far less time to see people and read The Dark Tower V - Wolves of the Calla. Which i must say is turning out to be pretty badass, a 1/4 or 1/3rd of the way through. Of course, i'm a tower junkie, so it wouldn't take much to excite me.

Tonight i went to dinner with cody out to his grandma's place, and fixed her printer drivers under Win98. ... and spent the better part of my day at work bashing my head in, trying to debug this fucking code using a beta object model, that in some ways, is pretty damned stupid. But i'll stay off my soapbox for now, simply cause i don't have the time to climb up on the thing and bitch for ten minutes.

The next few days will be just as insane, i'm sure, since not only do i get to keep playing with ArcObjects 9.0 beta 2 at work, i get to keep writing user docs for the NDSU contract project. So... little Goat time, sadly. Perhaps by monday or tuesday or something next week i can take a breather, and get other shit done, like my hair cut, oil changed in the Vehicle of Destruction (the taurus), and errands like the dentist bill and stuff. Joy.

Well, that's about it for now - i should turn in soon.. Tomorrow's likely going to be a long day. Sweet dreams, homes, and don't stop looking forward.


Word. I guess right now i'm feeling a trife introspective, so I may as well write a little.

There's really no reason why i'm feeling introspective right now, i suppose... to allay any concerns that something has caused or is causing said feelings. For some reason though, perhaps the weather, the coming winter, I find myself lamenting once again on relationships and what they mean to me. Mind you, this isn't the general "dammit, being single blows" feeling but one of "whoa, i'm not cut out for this stuff" sort of feeling.

Today I hung out with the Lobster and DL for the better part of the day, and all in all it was pretty fun. We saw the last Matrix film and had dinner at her place and saw her grandparents. Thing is, I got a good dose of what a long-term relationship is like - how each other acts, all that. I don't have opinions on how they were acting, but what it did do was show me the normal way a dude acts in a long-term relationship. And, whoa. It wasn't anything earth-shattering, but it's just not me.

Like falling in with your girl's family, all that - seeming like you're a part of it. I'm damned reserved, and that would be something totally weird for me to do. It's things like that which make me wonder if i'm even cut out to date in the first place. Some people aren't wired for it, and maybe i turned out to be one of those people. I very much don't want to be one of those guys - the weird bastards who end up living by themselves all their life, with a cat or a dog or plants or some shit to keep them company. Now, being out of school, every day that goes by seems to push me further towards that.

I know i shouldn't really care - everyone claims that i should just say fuck it, and that i'll meet someone eventually. Someone that isn't a bitch and that is smart and worldly and deep and cool and that'll fucking bring me lasagna, man. Someone that doesn't turn the radio station when the Floyd comes on. Someone that doesn't wear a bunch of makeup to dole themselves up, who can be beautiful just as they are, and confident that they are. Someone that understands the why i value living in a place with stairs, likes abstract art and enjoys staying healthy. And it seems like everyone claims i'm a decent catch - that I myself am cool and easygoing and stable. Thing is, sadly, nice guys finish last. I'm too nice; i'm not dramatic enough. I'd bore the fuck out of most girls my age. They're not looking for stability, or a little bit of sanity - they're looking for someone fun. I'm in a bit of a pickle, here. So as the days go by, like i said, it keeps seeming like i'm totally screwed, that i'll end up the dude that lives out in the country and rods the shit out of his Z4 day in and day out, plays a lot of Rush on the stereo and has a beer or two once in awhile, but that has no wife and kids, doesn't hunt, and sure as fuck does not vote for conservatives. I'll still be wearing my Dave Matthews Band concert shirts, and be seeing them in concert, to boot. In other words, i'll be one eccentric Goat.

And, all in all, that's okay. I'd not have it any other way, since that would be, mostly, the life i'd want to live. But it's a life that makes for incredibly lonely nights, and it's no fun seeing beautiful things like foggy sunrises or prairie thunderstorms without that special girl at your side. There are those deeply important things in life i'd like to share - if not just life itself. Why hog it all?

But i seem to be cursed, and it blows - it seems like damn near everyone else but me can pull off the whole relationship thing, from start to finish. I guess where i fail most gracefully is meeting people - i'm about as smooth as a plane crash. Once i meet someone, and we click, shit can take off from there, but even that seems to inevitably pooch. After weeks or a few months it just falls. I've always chalked that up to simply not meeting the right person, but who knows? Maybe i'm just not cut out for it. Or else i just don't take that much shit, and i bail too soon. I don't like negative tension of any sort, and if the relationship is brining me down i just give it the boot. Why else be in one if you're not happy? My late friend Jim ("Ford Prefect") used to say, well man, how sweet is the apple? As in, how much shit are you willing to put up with for the good? And the unfortunate truth is that i just haven't found enough good yet that would make me want to put up with all the crap, once in a bona-fide relationshuip, that is.

And it seems like i might not ever be able to find that "good". Pink made a good point the other weekend that most of the relationships i've been exposed to are kinda whack, and i of course seem to only hear the bad shit that goes on. I've never really thought about it, but i think that's worked to give me a skewed impression of what relationships are, coupled with my own crappy experiences. How can I be expected to try and try and try and wait and wait and wait when all i see around me is negative?

Perhaps I should just try and look only at the positives. Maybe that's the ticket. Have any ideas?

I suppose that's about it for now. I should concentrate a bit more on my obligations to our contract project with NDSU, which this weekend means writing user documentation. Alas. Have yourself a wonderful night, reader, and dream pleasant dreams.


war.. fuck the system! fuck the system!

Yay for System of a Down! :)


Oh! Tomorrow Dark Tower V comes out!! So i can go score my copy at Waldenbooks. Thanks to the Toaster reminding me that I reserved one there a long time ago. And, as an added bonus, I finally heard back from DM Grant that the Artist's Edition that I ordered (signed by artist Bernie Wrightson, limited 3500 copy 1st edition with Smyth sewn binding, oooohhh yeah) is still being held cause my card was denied. I reckon that i gave them one that i cancelled awhile back or some shit, so i should be scoring that as well. Damn fucking straight!

The Dark Tower just kicks all sorts of ass.
Song o' the day: Incubus - Wish You Were Here

Well, this evening turned out to be pretty relaxing. It would have been nonetheless had Katie and I gone on a walk as planned, but the weather is a bit shitty out thar... so we just decided to stay in. Hence this post (what else is there to do around here?).

Bismarck probably got something like three inches of snow so far, or two, or some shit. Either way, the roads are pretty crappy, so i had a little adventure after work tonight trekking around and getting food from my grandma, my aunt, and the old man. But i fucking scored big, too, getting some homemade bean soup, some chicken, a bit of pork loin, some meat loaf, a good lot of german streudels (mmm) and some frozen chicken patties, which should be ever so tasty with some onion bagels i have. thankfully I'll be around here for a few weeks, meaning i can actually eat the food i keep in the fridge. Half the time i get too much and it spoils cause I only eat one meal a day here. Breakfast at work, lunch at Subway or BK or the Bell, then dinner here. Alas.

I think i'll cut this one short here since i'm not feeling terribly introspective. Until next time...


Song of the day: GWAR - Sex Cow

I felt a bit compelled a little bit ago whilst in the shower to post a quick entry, since it seems like it's been awhile. Alas, this past week has been pretty busy. I was in Rapid City for work for a few days, which ended up going pretty well i think... and then i went to Fargo for the Halloween weekend. All in all the experience was good; we partied and i got to see those people (other than family) that are the most important to me. Can't really knock that, can I?

It's all been a trife chaotic though, given my travels and the tension the group is experiencing right now. I could use a few relaxing days here; just a few easy nights to settle back into my simple yet cozy duplex and my normal, rather plain life.

There's a lot more i could write about, i think, but i have quite a bit of crap to do tonight yet. Take peace in the fact that nothing is new, that no new bombs have been dropped... but there's still shit i could get on the soapbox about, mostly concerning this constant nagging issue of my shitty self-esteem. It's honestly never been a big issue since i was a little dude, and it really isn't now, but since it's been the topic of some discussion over the past few weeks it comes to the surface. However, that's best left to another time. My duplex looks like a small hurricane blew through it, and, sadly, duty calls.

Have a content rest of the night, reader, and try not to brush past and ignore the tiny wonders, like a crisp winter sunset, when the better part of all chi seems so absolutely off-kilter.