Word. I guess right now i'm feeling a trife introspective, so I may as well write a little.

There's really no reason why i'm feeling introspective right now, i suppose... to allay any concerns that something has caused or is causing said feelings. For some reason though, perhaps the weather, the coming winter, I find myself lamenting once again on relationships and what they mean to me. Mind you, this isn't the general "dammit, being single blows" feeling but one of "whoa, i'm not cut out for this stuff" sort of feeling.

Today I hung out with the Lobster and DL for the better part of the day, and all in all it was pretty fun. We saw the last Matrix film and had dinner at her place and saw her grandparents. Thing is, I got a good dose of what a long-term relationship is like - how each other acts, all that. I don't have opinions on how they were acting, but what it did do was show me the normal way a dude acts in a long-term relationship. And, whoa. It wasn't anything earth-shattering, but it's just not me.

Like falling in with your girl's family, all that - seeming like you're a part of it. I'm damned reserved, and that would be something totally weird for me to do. It's things like that which make me wonder if i'm even cut out to date in the first place. Some people aren't wired for it, and maybe i turned out to be one of those people. I very much don't want to be one of those guys - the weird bastards who end up living by themselves all their life, with a cat or a dog or plants or some shit to keep them company. Now, being out of school, every day that goes by seems to push me further towards that.

I know i shouldn't really care - everyone claims that i should just say fuck it, and that i'll meet someone eventually. Someone that isn't a bitch and that is smart and worldly and deep and cool and that'll fucking bring me lasagna, man. Someone that doesn't turn the radio station when the Floyd comes on. Someone that doesn't wear a bunch of makeup to dole themselves up, who can be beautiful just as they are, and confident that they are. Someone that understands the why i value living in a place with stairs, likes abstract art and enjoys staying healthy. And it seems like everyone claims i'm a decent catch - that I myself am cool and easygoing and stable. Thing is, sadly, nice guys finish last. I'm too nice; i'm not dramatic enough. I'd bore the fuck out of most girls my age. They're not looking for stability, or a little bit of sanity - they're looking for someone fun. I'm in a bit of a pickle, here. So as the days go by, like i said, it keeps seeming like i'm totally screwed, that i'll end up the dude that lives out in the country and rods the shit out of his Z4 day in and day out, plays a lot of Rush on the stereo and has a beer or two once in awhile, but that has no wife and kids, doesn't hunt, and sure as fuck does not vote for conservatives. I'll still be wearing my Dave Matthews Band concert shirts, and be seeing them in concert, to boot. In other words, i'll be one eccentric Goat.

And, all in all, that's okay. I'd not have it any other way, since that would be, mostly, the life i'd want to live. But it's a life that makes for incredibly lonely nights, and it's no fun seeing beautiful things like foggy sunrises or prairie thunderstorms without that special girl at your side. There are those deeply important things in life i'd like to share - if not just life itself. Why hog it all?

But i seem to be cursed, and it blows - it seems like damn near everyone else but me can pull off the whole relationship thing, from start to finish. I guess where i fail most gracefully is meeting people - i'm about as smooth as a plane crash. Once i meet someone, and we click, shit can take off from there, but even that seems to inevitably pooch. After weeks or a few months it just falls. I've always chalked that up to simply not meeting the right person, but who knows? Maybe i'm just not cut out for it. Or else i just don't take that much shit, and i bail too soon. I don't like negative tension of any sort, and if the relationship is brining me down i just give it the boot. Why else be in one if you're not happy? My late friend Jim ("Ford Prefect") used to say, well man, how sweet is the apple? As in, how much shit are you willing to put up with for the good? And the unfortunate truth is that i just haven't found enough good yet that would make me want to put up with all the crap, once in a bona-fide relationshuip, that is.

And it seems like i might not ever be able to find that "good". Pink made a good point the other weekend that most of the relationships i've been exposed to are kinda whack, and i of course seem to only hear the bad shit that goes on. I've never really thought about it, but i think that's worked to give me a skewed impression of what relationships are, coupled with my own crappy experiences. How can I be expected to try and try and try and wait and wait and wait when all i see around me is negative?

Perhaps I should just try and look only at the positives. Maybe that's the ticket. Have any ideas?

I suppose that's about it for now. I should concentrate a bit more on my obligations to our contract project with NDSU, which this weekend means writing user documentation. Alas. Have yourself a wonderful night, reader, and dream pleasant dreams.