Today has been an overall not-so-bad day, filled with lots of rest, relaxation, and general winter hibernative festivities. A lot of the times during the winter, my energy levels drop and i subsequently shut down somewhat, losing the spunk i find myself containing during the summer and entering a state of blah life, just sort of hanging out and existing. It tends to fit well with the gray skies and colder climes found during the winter months. If nothing else, it's likely a balance thing, a pendulum swing in one direction from the other encountered during the summer.

Alas, i fucking hate feeling like this! When i enter this state i just turn inward so fucking strongly, and i get quiet, and introspective, and it sucks the big motherfucking dick because that's not who i am anymore! i mean, granted, it's an aspect of me, but over the years it's waned so much, and the extrovert aspect of me has built up, come forward, and become a larger part of who i am. So to be revisited by the reclusive aspect of me is weird, and seems awfully left field, and sucks.

I should just move to Ecuador or something similar. I think a lot of it has to do with the weather; when it gets cold and what not i find myself staying inside so much more, and perhaps that causes me to reflect so much. It gives me time to ponder on things i don't mull over during the summer, as i'm not spending my time poking around on the mountain bike, staying out till all hours stargazing, or jogging, or causing any other such outdoor mayhem. Simply, i have some time to burn during these colder days, and i usually burn that time by thinking of shit, sometimes good things, sometimes bad things. But nonetheless thinking... which will drain a person. And i feel so fucking burnt out - it blows! What gets me the most is that i feel i should be so much more energetic... in regards to the whole trip out here for the week. Not only did i spend $288 plus take time off without pay to come out here and see kris and zan, i don't get to see them a whole lot, and have absolutely no idea whatsoever when i'll be out to see them again. So i'd like to make this trip the most it can be... and i can't seem to do that, i feel, cause i've been feeling so blah, so drained, and so fucking introspective that i can't seem to be my authentic self. It's been really weighing on me, and i mean, i know i'm being authentic and shit, but i don't feel like i am. All it seems like i want to do is sleep, and just fall away from it all ... like it doesn't matter one fucking bit what i do, what i experience... cause i can't even process it, i'm only experiencing it, but it feels like it's meant to be processed, meant to be felt in a deeper manner, but i'm simply too spiritually and emotionally fried to do so.

If nothing else it's just made me feel a bit edgier than normal, which is also something i'm not too fond of. Alas, that feeling tends to come and go, so it's nothing too extreme or major or anything like that. I simply wish that i was more charged up, and could be a bit more entertaining. Perhaps for whatever reason, though, it's not in the flow for me to be so, however.

I just work here, man. I wave the hooves.

But i suppose i shall bid you, my reader, farewell for now. There's talk of watching a movie, but zanny seems awfully tired, and i am too, so i may just listen to what my body's telling me and hit the sack. We'll see what Kris thinks. Have an awesome night, and sleep like the dead (but dream of good stuff while you're at it!).