tiny dusk

12/30/04

the black looms above like the roiling
beasts of the dustbowl south
the city on fire, lit up in pinpricks
and out there, far in the distance, lies a
mother’s thighs, mountains and clouds
driving a mound of pumpkin and green
down towards the sunlight that died
in a perfect moment of amazement

I just wrote! Yay!

-------------------------------

white

12/29/04

snow
a white wall blasting across
this smooth shaven land
extending below like frosting, a sweet
cream cheese coating over this
desert land –
a druid frost miles out and always
here, right here
obscuring the deepest parts of a
soul western
dry, rocky, but soft,
sweet and fluffy
like ancient marbled chocolate,
the betty crocker eternal
left for us to gorge on
as we gaze into the west

I glance out after a pause
and the icing is gone!
hidden away like a winter’s summer dreams
beneath an iron shroud of white
beating ever closer, ever faster east
and it, like a belated thunderstorm
oozes the stench of ancient parchment
and pulls me back to simpler times
the snow becoming a real fog, mist of the morning
as I dance along the edge of the world
the solid brownblack cliffs melting away
into a void of nothing
true Italian point of no return
over the drop

and as this squall still crawls along
closer as the keyboard clicks and the clock does tick
it seems the season is of black and white
white like the silver sun, black like the rocks
the hot, clean shades of light, love,
and pure bright dreams
all ignorant of time, distance, and the
trappings of boundaries –
instead they all fuse together and bind
in a common vision of holy love
a shared feeling of bliss

Today has been an overall not-so-bad day, filled with lots of rest, relaxation, and general winter hibernative festivities. A lot of the times during the winter, my energy levels drop and i subsequently shut down somewhat, losing the spunk i find myself containing during the summer and entering a state of blah life, just sort of hanging out and existing. It tends to fit well with the gray skies and colder climes found during the winter months. If nothing else, it's likely a balance thing, a pendulum swing in one direction from the other encountered during the summer.

Alas, i fucking hate feeling like this! When i enter this state i just turn inward so fucking strongly, and i get quiet, and introspective, and it sucks the big motherfucking dick because that's not who i am anymore! i mean, granted, it's an aspect of me, but over the years it's waned so much, and the extrovert aspect of me has built up, come forward, and become a larger part of who i am. So to be revisited by the reclusive aspect of me is weird, and seems awfully left field, and sucks.

I should just move to Ecuador or something similar. I think a lot of it has to do with the weather; when it gets cold and what not i find myself staying inside so much more, and perhaps that causes me to reflect so much. It gives me time to ponder on things i don't mull over during the summer, as i'm not spending my time poking around on the mountain bike, staying out till all hours stargazing, or jogging, or causing any other such outdoor mayhem. Simply, i have some time to burn during these colder days, and i usually burn that time by thinking of shit, sometimes good things, sometimes bad things. But nonetheless thinking... which will drain a person. And i feel so fucking burnt out - it blows! What gets me the most is that i feel i should be so much more energetic... in regards to the whole trip out here for the week. Not only did i spend $288 plus take time off without pay to come out here and see kris and zan, i don't get to see them a whole lot, and have absolutely no idea whatsoever when i'll be out to see them again. So i'd like to make this trip the most it can be... and i can't seem to do that, i feel, cause i've been feeling so blah, so drained, and so fucking introspective that i can't seem to be my authentic self. It's been really weighing on me, and i mean, i know i'm being authentic and shit, but i don't feel like i am. All it seems like i want to do is sleep, and just fall away from it all ... like it doesn't matter one fucking bit what i do, what i experience... cause i can't even process it, i'm only experiencing it, but it feels like it's meant to be processed, meant to be felt in a deeper manner, but i'm simply too spiritually and emotionally fried to do so.

If nothing else it's just made me feel a bit edgier than normal, which is also something i'm not too fond of. Alas, that feeling tends to come and go, so it's nothing too extreme or major or anything like that. I simply wish that i was more charged up, and could be a bit more entertaining. Perhaps for whatever reason, though, it's not in the flow for me to be so, however.

I just work here, man. I wave the hooves.

But i suppose i shall bid you, my reader, farewell for now. There's talk of watching a movie, but zanny seems awfully tired, and i am too, so i may just listen to what my body's telling me and hit the sack. We'll see what Kris thinks. Have an awesome night, and sleep like the dead (but dream of good stuff while you're at it!).

I'm fading in and out of sleepy, food-induced haziness, and in these times as i peek through the picture window out at a night-draped Provo, i can reflect on the day and claim with much authority that it's kicked a high amount of ass. This morning (around noon, i guess, but morning to us), kris, zan, and i went jogging on a trail by Utah Lake, and it was just fucking awesome. Granted, i'm quite out of shape, certainly the sedentiary life poster boy, but i ran about two miles, more than i've done in a long fucking time - and oh did it feel just blissful. After that we tooled around, came back home, and had some dinner - whereupon we just spent the remainder of the day living life as is best lived - for the moment, in the flow. We've eaten some wonderful dinner a bit ago, of tasty fresh mexican salad (a tangy combination of corn, garbanzos and other goodies), vegan sausage patties, rice, and mushroom gravy (not all together, though!). We're just directly on our way out for a night of vegan hellraising; movies and other unmentionable naughtiness at a friend of the girls' - Ben. He sounds fucking awesome, and i can't wait to meet him! We may also run into Kyle and Leland, too, which would rock beyond fucking description, too.

Oh, i went vegan last night, too!

Have a fun night, reader, and go seize the night like the motherfucker you are!

Sometimes it's really just all about letting go; about abandoning your preconcieved plans and notions and casting it all aside... about forgetting and remembering at the same time. It's something i've been thinking more about lately, perhaps simply because the past few weeks have been such a diversion for me in regards to the flow. Normally it's something really easy for me to do - let go and let the flow take me whichever way it chooses, and push all negative thoughts and feelings out to the flow itself, too - not necessarily putting them on the back burner, per se, but letting them roll off my proverbial back. Alas, that's been tough over the past few weeks. It's getting easier and easier, don't get me wrong - especially with being out in Utah (the energy here is just fucking phenomenal and so awfully healing!) - but nonetheless it does feel like there's a bit of disconnection from that spiritual side of me.

Quite why this is i'm not too sure. One thing i've noticed is that during the months of November to February i enter a pretty weak state, both physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I tend to be a person that's rooted so very strongly in the pools of energy that the summer brings, and the winter months simply go against those energies, contrasting the warm, fragrant summer nights with bleakly bitter cold winter days. Simply, i love to be outdoors, and it's just to damned cold during the winter for most of my Goat-like tastes. So i find myself cooped up indoors, which gives me quite a lot of time to reflect upon myself and my past. Reflection can be a good thing, but as always, like anything, in moderation. When it gets to be something that becomes the primary focus of one's time (usually for me at night, while laying in bed...) it sucks; it draws the energy from you like a fucking sponge, soaking up the white happiness and general joy that pours form your soul, and leaves you a hollow husk that can't help but feel empty and tired.

But as always I look on the bright side of things. The days are getting longer again! In short order it will be warming back up, and before I know it, i'll be hopefully packing the u-haul and moving out to this place, this land that fucking captured me the day i saw it. But even before that, i'll be heading out to guatemala in less than a month! Word on the street is that it's usually a balmy 75-80 during January, so i can't fucking wait to run around in my shorts, like Goats should be able to do year-round. And two years ago, when my uncle went, he had a chance to go mountain biking through the jungle at Tikal. ohhhhhhhhhhhh my fucking god dude, if i could do that i'd fucking die on the spot, seriously. I have a severe need to go cycling again (hell, even if it's spin class... anyone in Bismarck want to join up at the Y with me??) ... and if i could go biking in fucking guatemala i'd be the happiest Goat alive, i think.

Almost as happy as i'd be seeing U2 in Ireland or spending three weeks in New Zealand or seeing Rush up in Toronto, or visiting the Guiness brewery (or Fuller's in London, too, dear lord), or visting Tibet, or India, or doing my first century (100-mile road ride).

And then there's this whole idea of going back to get my master's degree, probably either in History or Geography. I bet i could teach a mean history course or two... just as long as i can refrain from swearing like a rum-fed sailor.

I fear i must go tap some oatmeal, however, so i bid you farewell for now, reader. Have a pleasant Sunday! Go outside and do something that brings a smile to your face.

today has been a fairly pleasant day overall, so far. I woke up a bit later than expected and didn't make it into work until close to 9am, on account of a late night Lord of the Rings screening combined with such tasty beverages as vegetarian bloody marys and Disaronno, shared with none other than the Lobster herself. Fucking wonderful times, but alas, poor Goat got far too sleepy and ended up having to cut the film short and hit the sack around two in the morning.

I awoke, then, feeling really fucking sick. I half considered not even going into the office, but i wanted to leave my database conversion project in a somewhat finalized state before i left for nine days to Salt Lake City. All i really had to do was hook up the user interface to it, and i was able to knock that off in a few hours this morning. After I did that i still felt a bit off kilter so i decided to say fuck it and head home so i could rest up a little; i'd hate to go down to SLC and get sick!

As of right now, i seem to be feeling better, though, which rocks. I'm going to go score a little chow, i think, and then head over to Mandan to get a larger suitcase from my folks. Then commences the packing! I'm not too sure what i'll bring, but i usually travel light so i'm not terribly worried about this afternoon endeavor taking hours upon hours. Then tonight evidently a bunch of my friends are meeting at Paradiso for my friend Katie's birthday. I'd love to go, but i had made plans last week with Val to go out to the Walrus for dinner, so who knows what'll be in store for the Goat tonight. I'll still be chilling with Val no matter what (unless she can't make it for some reason, or something) but perhaps she'd want to go to Paradiso instead.

It's just strange how it totally doesn't seem like i'm going to Salt Lake tomorrow; the denial is still set like fucking steel and razorwire. I don't think it'll really hit me until i get to denver international or slc proper. My god, nine days! I won't know what to do with myself!

But i shall keep you updated on my conquests, reader, for i fear i'll be raising hell beyond description. If i get a chance i'll pop on and leave a few tiny chronicles of my wicked Utah ways. I bid you farewell for this moment, reader, since i'm starving, and must feed. Have a pleasant Thursday afternoon and go eat something special.

days after nights filled with terrible dreams, of a vegan goat eating pepperoni supreme pizza, mix well with clouds that hug the day like a mother just released from prison. it's in these times that visions of addressing data models dance in my head like crazy, convulsing musical clown dolls in the throes of a grand mal seizure, their porcelain heads bobbing about in a maniacal jitterbug of fright, their eyes the flicker of a thousand televisions illuminating the night, bright blue flames of nothing competing with the fainter, holy starlight.

alas, back to coding with me. have the best of days, reader!

hide the women and children... Goat's coming to Fargo tonight! And he'll be loaded with a veritable cornucopia of goodies, the least including an assload of frozen strawberries, which I fear may end up in tremendous amounts of tasty south-of-the-border frozen beverage. Care to join in the exicitement? Get yo ass down, punk! Cause Derrick wants to party, oh yes, and there's no stopping him once the tequila comes out!

I'll be back Sunday, i think, after taking a detour through the northern part of the state to take some photographs, should time allow. Have the best of Thursdays, reader, and a wonderful weekend!

Have I mentioned yet that being vegetarian fucking kicks ass?

Being veggie rocks for a whole veritable assload of reasons, one being of course the fact that i'm playing a small part (albeit indirectly) in reducing the amount of animal cruelty that takes place within our nation and world, a thing many people - myself for 23 years included - didn't think about a whole lot. We tend to live unconsciously a lot of the time, sort of meandering through our daily trivialities, never really stopping to "smell the roses", so to speak, and sadly, rarely stopping to think outside the box about some of the things we do. After exposure to the works of certain groups like PETA and Compassion Over Killing, seeing what today's farm animals are treated like, and seeing the fucking deception they spin, how they pull the wool over our eyes like so many American sheep, I simply couldn't continue supporting such an institution.

Plus, it makes me feel good! Aside from feeling better on a spiritual/emotional level, meat always fucking made me feel like ass... just sluggish as hell and down, really slow, and just generally blah. I never cared much for pork, and beef was sort of there, i guess, okay, but nothing special. I will miss chicken and seafood dearly (my poor smoked salmon...) - but again, after reaching a level of consciousness that i simply hadn't opened myself up to in the past, I just couldn't bring myself to continue doing it. At first of course i was a bit concerned that i'd not have a lot of things to eat - i ate meat and animal products so much that i'd been conditioned into this routine of turkey sandwiches, burgers, chicken breasts, sausage pizza, and more. 86'ing those from my diet forced me to look at all the shit that i've been missing out on, and it's phenomenal. I've been eating so many more fresh things lately, and so many more tofu and soy products ... it rocks! I've always loved cooking, and this presents such a new and exciting challenge. I fucking love it! Although i'm not a bona-fide vegan yet, i try my best to stay on that course, and cooking tasty vegan food fucking hauls insane amounts of ass, because it's such a departure from my prior way of cooking, which was often highly meat and animal-product focus. When i can pull off a fucking kick-ass rice pudding, or coconut curry green bean stir fry, or bread pudding (mmm!) or, hell, vegan garlic & rosemary mashed potatoes, vegan stuffing, and vegan "chicken" gravy, it kicks so much ass, because it gives me a wee bit of hope that i can still cook like a mad mother fucker and be veggie/vegan at the same time! boo-ya!

yay for being compassionate and eating like a Goat!

In other news, though, as of about an hour ago, i'm $366.41 further in debt, but... the Altima has new tires! Cooper Touring SLE's, and dude, now i'm back on the road! (so to speak)... so next weekend, hide the women and children, cause goat's returning to fargo to pillage like a fucking warrior straight out of Viking lore.

Alas, for now, i should get cracking on a certain little project for a certain little Miss Kris, since i'll be giving it to her soon, on Christmas, when i get to see her and Zanny in SLC for nine days! Hell fucking yeah!!! It's going to be so much goddamned fun. Have a pleasant, beautiful saturday afternoon, reader.

Wish me luck, guys! Sometime around 9pm tonight, or after, i'm planning on reading two of my poems at the open-mic night at Cafe Aroma. They've been hand-picked by none other than Brianne herself, "out of the black" and "desolation in the dark times".

This shall be interesting.... but loads of fun! I'm highly excited.

Have a good one, reader!