fog of the morning and night
10/28/04
it was your birthday, this week
and I didn’t come
I didn’t come ‘cause I’m still lost
amiss in the fog
like a once-druid now ostracized that
runs in slow motion in the mist on the docks
that lie in prairies of gray, lands of stone
worlds of oceanblue and ambient lovelight
that all ebbs and seems compelled to fade
against its strongest
wishes
oh, it won’t fade
but it will
and if I could come to you in this vortex
I would; I know I’m there
but I’m welded shut in the clouds and
rooted to this place in this coastal soup
so much white and so much silence
to distance myself from you and
it only brings us closer
it never left, but that mist it closes
back in around me tonight as a tighter shroud
and in its depth I see your smile
and that rough laugh;
each light that swims in the gray
is the light of a thousand trains
that pass us by in the night
each the heart of those eternal traveling tales
you spun on the notes of a spanish guitar
next to the tracks
the steel that reminds me forever of the sunrise
and calls out with open arms
the journey your gray hair on the wind
for peter r. savenko, grandfather
10.27.2004
aggression, but not for me
from 10/18/04
it’s moments like these when I
begin to wonder exactly why
I’m here
marooned on a tiny speck
in the cosmos
with only a few like souls
this place where aggression
confuses, makes me shake
leaves me filled with cobwebs and
glue
the color of black rotten
leaves
after the spring thaw
their dark sweetness the scent
of misunderstood mistrust
and mistaken impressions bent
a melting, dead world
that only touches the surface, no inward lament
only shallow images, no perception of depth
a flat
technicolor
dimensionless spot
where water doesn’t splash
and leaves won’t press
beneath your sneakers
and the sun won’t flirt with your hair
no, here, it’s all as you see it
and never as you mean it
life a mere television, shooting star
in the space we share
from 10/18/04
it’s moments like these when I
begin to wonder exactly why
I’m here
marooned on a tiny speck
in the cosmos
with only a few like souls
this place where aggression
confuses, makes me shake
leaves me filled with cobwebs and
glue
the color of black rotten
leaves
after the spring thaw
their dark sweetness the scent
of misunderstood mistrust
and mistaken impressions bent
a melting, dead world
that only touches the surface, no inward lament
only shallow images, no perception of depth
a flat
technicolor
dimensionless spot
where water doesn’t splash
and leaves won’t press
beneath your sneakers
and the sun won’t flirt with your hair
no, here, it’s all as you see it
and never as you mean it
life a mere television, shooting star
in the space we share
10.25.2004
Dude, i'm vegetarian now. Goat's a veggie!
And someone fucking stole my Kerry/Edwards sign last night. I'm pissed! But i think i can get a new one at the Labor Temple this afternoon. If not, i'm fucking making my own, i don't care. At least i got a Dorgan sign today, Mike Liffrig's opponent. Liffrig = nutcase, Dorgan = someone who gets us jobs and helps this state, actually. hmm...
have a good afternoon, reader!
And someone fucking stole my Kerry/Edwards sign last night. I'm pissed! But i think i can get a new one at the Labor Temple this afternoon. If not, i'm fucking making my own, i don't care. At least i got a Dorgan sign today, Mike Liffrig's opponent. Liffrig = nutcase, Dorgan = someone who gets us jobs and helps this state, actually. hmm...
have a good afternoon, reader!
10.24.2004
wow... four in one night! Cake must have really shoved a proverbial firecracker up somewhere... hehe. I guess i just felt the urge to write and said fuck-all, i can work later, but now, i must write (and talk to kris, too, which was fucking stellar dude, as it always is, but really awesome tonight).
But it's time for me to indeed hit the sack. I hope you've had an excellent night, reader, and that you're staying safe and not raising too much hell. Or else i may be forced to hunt you down and join you. Sleep well, and dream sweetly.
But it's time for me to indeed hit the sack. I hope you've had an excellent night, reader, and that you're staying safe and not raising too much hell. Or else i may be forced to hunt you down and join you. Sleep well, and dream sweetly.
almost bedtime
10/24/04
at the close of the day
this is
how I feel -
soft, like a blanket in the hay
or so much down in
the pillows that I keep
it’s the warmth from a winter hearth
that sticks and mixes with a
touch of floating that hints at
this intoxicating melodic
drifting
that hurls you down the highway
and around the bend
at a blurry pace
on the wings of a furiously calm angel
as we ride a red-eyed, eighteen hour
caffeine-fueled expedition to nowhere
so blow out the candles
and float into the black with me
10/24/04
at the close of the day
this is
how I feel -
soft, like a blanket in the hay
or so much down in
the pillows that I keep
it’s the warmth from a winter hearth
that sticks and mixes with a
touch of floating that hints at
this intoxicating melodic
drifting
that hurls you down the highway
and around the bend
at a blurry pace
on the wings of a furiously calm angel
as we ride a red-eyed, eighteen hour
caffeine-fueled expedition to nowhere
so blow out the candles
and float into the black with me
prayer
10/24/04
o lord tonight
tuck me in beneath
your stars, let your wind
breathe o’er me like
my mother’s words as I gazed
into her eyes as a babe
and mayhap, if it please you,
let your tears fall on me
like my father’s, restrained and released
in heartfelt sorrow
and let your morning light caress my face
like a lover’s touch, nothing lighter
in the world
a soft glance of compassion, tangible
and real
such as are the snowflakes I bid you send
when it all ends
and I ask in my final words
"can I go again? Just once?"
10/24/04
o lord tonight
tuck me in beneath
your stars, let your wind
breathe o’er me like
my mother’s words as I gazed
into her eyes as a babe
and mayhap, if it please you,
let your tears fall on me
like my father’s, restrained and released
in heartfelt sorrow
and let your morning light caress my face
like a lover’s touch, nothing lighter
in the world
a soft glance of compassion, tangible
and real
such as are the snowflakes I bid you send
when it all ends
and I ask in my final words
"can I go again? Just once?"
head in the gray
10/24/04
death passes her by
strobe flashing white streak screaming
and all she can do
is look up and smile
on this charcoal afternoon
made perfect for errands
soft Irish music
and sofa-bound excursions
to distant bookish destinations
it might even be a good time for
dying
but certainly not smiling,
most certainly not
as the ambulance speeds
past the beaming shadow of
a woman lost
10/24/04
death passes her by
strobe flashing white streak screaming
and all she can do
is look up and smile
on this charcoal afternoon
made perfect for errands
soft Irish music
and sofa-bound excursions
to distant bookish destinations
it might even be a good time for
dying
but certainly not smiling,
most certainly not
as the ambulance speeds
past the beaming shadow of
a woman lost
just got back from the Cities - where i took in Sarah Lee and Johnny, the Old 97s, Northern State, and Cake! And i fucking met the last two!!!
but i feel like writin' some more of that thar poetry, so ah reckon i'll-a do that. Have a good one, reader, and stay smilin'!
------------------------------------
on the way to Mecca
10/24/04
in this mist I walk ahead
of the pack
a druid in the forest draped in a bonewhite chant
beneath my steps the concrete lies cold, draped
in a sheet of rain, reflected light
dripping from streetlights a thousand miles away
but my memories and eyes tell me, encouragingly,
it’s only a short walk
however, to my smiling heart and featherweight soul
it seems like a
lifetime
as I walk these old paths in this old city
that pulses and teems with purple anticipation for the
upcoming baptismal on first and seventh -
a thousand souls washed
clean tonight in the soft tears of an acoustic guitar
restraint – it’s out of the question
this fire draws me in like a sullen moth
looking for release
so I walk faster
almost running
feet slipping on the rain-slick sidewalk
full in the knowledge that
sometimes the inside wait is
painful endless forever
like the feeling of time ticking by in days
not seconds
as your plane empties in the night
you’re stuck in the back
feet trapped in molasses two feet deep
that’s eight years old and smells faintly
of that life you left behind
just a few hours ago
the wait, yes, oh its long
it is forever
but in my church I’d wait forever
for just one second of backlit blues notes,
a sweaty, searing, red and yellow solo,
or a common glance of thankful recognition
after the applause
that wait’s nothing
and I could run forever beneath the floating soul
of the city dark and alive
I would
but it’s only a block away
and I know my pack will catch me
eventually
but i feel like writin' some more of that thar poetry, so ah reckon i'll-a do that. Have a good one, reader, and stay smilin'!
------------------------------------
on the way to Mecca
10/24/04
in this mist I walk ahead
of the pack
a druid in the forest draped in a bonewhite chant
beneath my steps the concrete lies cold, draped
in a sheet of rain, reflected light
dripping from streetlights a thousand miles away
but my memories and eyes tell me, encouragingly,
it’s only a short walk
however, to my smiling heart and featherweight soul
it seems like a
lifetime
as I walk these old paths in this old city
that pulses and teems with purple anticipation for the
upcoming baptismal on first and seventh -
a thousand souls washed
clean tonight in the soft tears of an acoustic guitar
restraint – it’s out of the question
this fire draws me in like a sullen moth
looking for release
so I walk faster
almost running
feet slipping on the rain-slick sidewalk
full in the knowledge that
sometimes the inside wait is
painful endless forever
like the feeling of time ticking by in days
not seconds
as your plane empties in the night
you’re stuck in the back
feet trapped in molasses two feet deep
that’s eight years old and smells faintly
of that life you left behind
just a few hours ago
the wait, yes, oh its long
it is forever
but in my church I’d wait forever
for just one second of backlit blues notes,
a sweaty, searing, red and yellow solo,
or a common glance of thankful recognition
after the applause
that wait’s nothing
and I could run forever beneath the floating soul
of the city dark and alive
I would
but it’s only a block away
and I know my pack will catch me
eventually
10.20.2004
Hola, reader! It's been quite awhile it seems since i've knitted together a blog posting without having a poem to toss on for good measure, but it seems like tonight's the night for me to simply chronicle, and not weave a bit of poetry. I'm simply relaxing, waiting for dustin to call, and it's been a pleasant day. One can't much complain about good progress at work, lots of emails from friends, and a slow, comfortable evening spent on the couch with the final Dark Tower book in hand. Just my kind of night.
Sadly, though, actually writing this tonight is a bit more challenging than i initially thought. Over lunch poor Goat cut himself with the fucking Wüsthof bread knife! I don't know what the hell i did, but i must have been really excited at the prospect of chomping down on these morningstar farms spicy black bean veggie burgers that i just bought last night, since the knife literally leaped out of my hand and did this tiny little dance on the end of my left pinky finger. And ooo did that bleed like so much a stuck pig... thankfully, though, it didn't hurt a lot. It just makes typing a royal pain in the ass, because i use that finger to hit the left shift and control keys. For some reason i never got in the habit of using the right-side set of them, and it's not so bad now, but when i'm coding it blows the ass, since you're using CTRL a lot, cutting and pasting code and using IntelliSense in Visual Studio. Alas, i pulled through, adjusted my typing rhythm, and all was well with the world.
So now i find myself refecting on the fact that even with a slightly crippled typing hand, it's a fine wednesday night in goat-land. I'm totally stoked that i'll be not only seeing the Old 97s on friday night in my old stomping grounds - Minneapolis - but i'll be seeing Cake, too, on Saturday! I can't fuckin' wait! This will be my fourth time seeing the boys from Sacramento, and goddamn, it'll be such a motherfucking off-the-hook experience - front-row center, hanging out with John and Vince and the rest of the crew, rocking out, lost in a complete wave of concert bliss. Shows are really one of the most spiritual experiences for me, and to see two shows at the First Ave will haul ass. Of all the venues i've been at, i just love it - too, because of it's location in the city, close to O'Donovan's irish pub, the Fine Line, the Rock Bottom Brewery (home of the most insane fucking nachos ever) ... it all culminates to make the First Ave one of my top places for worship.
Concerts are so integral to me that venues are, in all essence, churches to me - so much more than our culture's normal houses of worship. If you've never been to a show at Red Rocks in Morrison, Colorado, reader, and are of the concertgoing persuasion, do yourself a favor and go; it'll fucking fry your circuits like nothing else.
I suppose i should go get ready, though, and make myself halfways presentable should dustin call shortly. Have a fine rest of the night, reader, and as you lay in rest tonight, dream sweetly.
Sadly, though, actually writing this tonight is a bit more challenging than i initially thought. Over lunch poor Goat cut himself with the fucking Wüsthof bread knife! I don't know what the hell i did, but i must have been really excited at the prospect of chomping down on these morningstar farms spicy black bean veggie burgers that i just bought last night, since the knife literally leaped out of my hand and did this tiny little dance on the end of my left pinky finger. And ooo did that bleed like so much a stuck pig... thankfully, though, it didn't hurt a lot. It just makes typing a royal pain in the ass, because i use that finger to hit the left shift and control keys. For some reason i never got in the habit of using the right-side set of them, and it's not so bad now, but when i'm coding it blows the ass, since you're using CTRL a lot, cutting and pasting code and using IntelliSense in Visual Studio. Alas, i pulled through, adjusted my typing rhythm, and all was well with the world.
So now i find myself refecting on the fact that even with a slightly crippled typing hand, it's a fine wednesday night in goat-land. I'm totally stoked that i'll be not only seeing the Old 97s on friday night in my old stomping grounds - Minneapolis - but i'll be seeing Cake, too, on Saturday! I can't fuckin' wait! This will be my fourth time seeing the boys from Sacramento, and goddamn, it'll be such a motherfucking off-the-hook experience - front-row center, hanging out with John and Vince and the rest of the crew, rocking out, lost in a complete wave of concert bliss. Shows are really one of the most spiritual experiences for me, and to see two shows at the First Ave will haul ass. Of all the venues i've been at, i just love it - too, because of it's location in the city, close to O'Donovan's irish pub, the Fine Line, the Rock Bottom Brewery (home of the most insane fucking nachos ever) ... it all culminates to make the First Ave one of my top places for worship.
Concerts are so integral to me that venues are, in all essence, churches to me - so much more than our culture's normal houses of worship. If you've never been to a show at Red Rocks in Morrison, Colorado, reader, and are of the concertgoing persuasion, do yourself a favor and go; it'll fucking fry your circuits like nothing else.
I suppose i should go get ready, though, and make myself halfways presentable should dustin call shortly. Have a fine rest of the night, reader, and as you lay in rest tonight, dream sweetly.
10.19.2004
10.18.2004
we just had a thunderstorm - yay!
have a pleasant night, reader.
------------------------------------
out of the black
10/18/04
as the rain comes I
realize
tonight is the finest night
a shadowed october evening
dashed with
a generous touch of winter
what ought to be a silent drama
finds itself mingled with
the secretive flavors
of an angry, mischievous god
a storm draws near and
I find myself ensnared
rapt, held close
by this moment
as I gaze in childish awe from my
perfect vantage point
high and dry
above the valley and the city below
as I stand
closer now the light flashes deep
and eternity thunders across the land
time endless mere minutes in the west
it makes me feel ancient, like parchment dragged
across the seas
for seconds
minutes
and millions of degrees
loosely sealed between never-ending
starry cricket nights and bone-dead winter days
stuck between
those tormented insane fickle movietheather whiteblue
clouds
flashing in chaotic pulses
that scream
as the flood lets loose a staccato assault
on my shed’s thin tin skin
heaven’s anger dealt out in a
teary shotgun blast
and as quickly come
its gone
leaving only the soft rain
as a fading reminder of a war long passed
the last adrenal skirmish between the seasons
remembered in the soft whispers of the crying night
have a pleasant night, reader.
------------------------------------
out of the black
10/18/04
as the rain comes I
realize
tonight is the finest night
a shadowed october evening
dashed with
a generous touch of winter
what ought to be a silent drama
finds itself mingled with
the secretive flavors
of an angry, mischievous god
a storm draws near and
I find myself ensnared
rapt, held close
by this moment
as I gaze in childish awe from my
perfect vantage point
high and dry
above the valley and the city below
as I stand
closer now the light flashes deep
and eternity thunders across the land
time endless mere minutes in the west
it makes me feel ancient, like parchment dragged
across the seas
for seconds
minutes
and millions of degrees
loosely sealed between never-ending
starry cricket nights and bone-dead winter days
stuck between
those tormented insane fickle movietheather whiteblue
clouds
flashing in chaotic pulses
that scream
as the flood lets loose a staccato assault
on my shed’s thin tin skin
heaven’s anger dealt out in a
teary shotgun blast
and as quickly come
its gone
leaving only the soft rain
as a fading reminder of a war long passed
the last adrenal skirmish between the seasons
remembered in the soft whispers of the crying night
10.13.2004
spirit
10/13/04
right now it’s all about
letting go
and letting this rhythm
carry me to you
as it once did
the feeling of a magnet drawing
my soul to this church beneath the steel
the concrete
the sculpting
of a million men in a million years
that felt the same love
that I once felt
but nothing like this, you the iron I the
other
that draws us in like this african trance
that I follow, as it draws me in
a mother holding her daughter’s hand
leading in a forest of dark green shadows
faery voices
and timeless golden sunlit memories
both places churches of my god
both places within us sacred forever
bound to the very blood that flows
like wind
in our hearts
and the electricity that fires
in our fingertips our toes our eyes
like god staring down from the clouds
so let’s stop and share these tears
a soft rain from the heavens
falling from our eyes
home of our gods
fall into my arms again
and worship life
in this holiest of lands
the land of spirit of soul of existence of transcendence
the no-man’s land of you and I
in that inch
only you and I share
between our eyes
10/13/04
right now it’s all about
letting go
and letting this rhythm
carry me to you
as it once did
the feeling of a magnet drawing
my soul to this church beneath the steel
the concrete
the sculpting
of a million men in a million years
that felt the same love
that I once felt
but nothing like this, you the iron I the
other
that draws us in like this african trance
that I follow, as it draws me in
a mother holding her daughter’s hand
leading in a forest of dark green shadows
faery voices
and timeless golden sunlit memories
both places churches of my god
both places within us sacred forever
bound to the very blood that flows
like wind
in our hearts
and the electricity that fires
in our fingertips our toes our eyes
like god staring down from the clouds
so let’s stop and share these tears
a soft rain from the heavens
falling from our eyes
home of our gods
fall into my arms again
and worship life
in this holiest of lands
the land of spirit of soul of existence of transcendence
the no-man’s land of you and I
in that inch
only you and I share
between our eyes
float on down the way
10/13/04
screaming and rocking and sweating
it flies through us
the beat pulsing
like an engine on fire in the sunset
life on the wings of god
alpha and omega and all between
ripping and tearing
us into one
while the sky breathes above
in a soft whisper
like a metal crunch double-bass warlord onslaught
worlds turning in your eyes
as it all streams over in out between and through
exploding in blue
and gold
and white
baking in the ageless heat of eternity
10/13/04
screaming and rocking and sweating
it flies through us
the beat pulsing
like an engine on fire in the sunset
life on the wings of god
alpha and omega and all between
ripping and tearing
us into one
while the sky breathes above
in a soft whisper
like a metal crunch double-bass warlord onslaught
worlds turning in your eyes
as it all streams over in out between and through
exploding in blue
and gold
and white
baking in the ageless heat of eternity
ooo... i almost forgot about this one! I started writing it like a week before the girls came, but i sort of forgot i did it until i went to write something new tonight. I massaged it a slight bit, and here she be, ja.
Hope ya'll've had a most righteous, shit-kickin Wednesday, fellas.
I reckon i'll go listen to u2's Electrical Storm a second time...
----------------------------------------
E
10/13/04
morning comes and
floating as I do
sixteen inches above the gray in the black
I drift east towards a horizontal fire
I go dim close my eyes turn back inside
as electronica repetition merges with
roadsong
to that soft place where we
stopped the world
released its pressure
and let it all
fall
‘round us
like silent moonlight
I’m bringing it all back in the silence
with cold
awakening stings
lightning-bolts that
thrash about on a late summer night
drunk and dumb after
a storm
which arrived fashionably late
mingled
and departed a little too soon
leaving the guests wanting
it streams over me like the
moonlight, the light that dances on my skin
and flows through my hair like silk
spun from the lips of an oracle
and as I sail forth, eyes shut,
gripping the wheel tempting death in the dawn
I feel the trees smear past and stars streak above
painting the periphery –
and that, too, is this feeling
coming back
as a single knowing caress
Hope ya'll've had a most righteous, shit-kickin Wednesday, fellas.
I reckon i'll go listen to u2's Electrical Storm a second time...
----------------------------------------
E
10/13/04
morning comes and
floating as I do
sixteen inches above the gray in the black
I drift east towards a horizontal fire
I go dim close my eyes turn back inside
as electronica repetition merges with
roadsong
to that soft place where we
stopped the world
released its pressure
and let it all
fall
‘round us
like silent moonlight
I’m bringing it all back in the silence
with cold
awakening stings
lightning-bolts that
thrash about on a late summer night
drunk and dumb after
a storm
which arrived fashionably late
mingled
and departed a little too soon
leaving the guests wanting
it streams over me like the
moonlight, the light that dances on my skin
and flows through my hair like silk
spun from the lips of an oracle
and as I sail forth, eyes shut,
gripping the wheel tempting death in the dawn
I feel the trees smear past and stars streak above
painting the periphery –
and that, too, is this feeling
coming back
as a single knowing caress
10.12.2004
my god. i can't begin to really even process this past week; for me, at this point, to even try to describe it would be simply wrong. Perhaps later, but the feeling of the energies that merged between us all - fuck, between kris and i - was so transcendentally phenomenal that putting words to it right now simply can't do the experience justice.
Also, I'm simply tired, and awfully sad, too. Yet so fucking happy at the same time; and that's what's so different about all this, why i've never felt anything like this - i should be bawlin' my damned eyes out (shit, i mean, my girl just went back home, and for all intensive purposes it might be quite awhile before i get to see her face to face again) - but i'm not wigging out as much as i have in the past, over relationships that were far less deep as this. It just seems that this connection we share runs so deep and so strong that i know in my heart of hearts that it will always be there - it feels like it always was. I can't help but smile when i think of the next adventure we'll share. And, right now, that's what matters, right along with all those experiences we shared over the past seven days. Nothing short of pure contentment and overwhelming bliss. I wish everyone could feel what i feel right now.
I actually wrote a little today, right after i said my goodbyes at the airport, as we waited to see kris & zan's flight take off - as the plane taxied down the runway, stopped, turned around, and rocketed skyward. Now, don't get me wrong, i've written stuff that is far better than this, but this was so spontaneous, and was written really as everything took place, in an attempt to somehow capture that dual feeling of extreme sadness/longing and pure joy when seeing what lies ahead and what we had a chance to share. And in that way i could never change it; to do so would be sacrilege. Have a pleasant night, reader, and dream sweetly.
------------------------------------------------
untitled
10/12/04
chasing the sun, all the way home
you and i
facing not a sunset but a sunrise
forever
i can't do anything but raise my eyes to
you
in the plane
and smile
tears for the times we'll share
dried by the cool breeze
all this
forever
Also, I'm simply tired, and awfully sad, too. Yet so fucking happy at the same time; and that's what's so different about all this, why i've never felt anything like this - i should be bawlin' my damned eyes out (shit, i mean, my girl just went back home, and for all intensive purposes it might be quite awhile before i get to see her face to face again) - but i'm not wigging out as much as i have in the past, over relationships that were far less deep as this. It just seems that this connection we share runs so deep and so strong that i know in my heart of hearts that it will always be there - it feels like it always was. I can't help but smile when i think of the next adventure we'll share. And, right now, that's what matters, right along with all those experiences we shared over the past seven days. Nothing short of pure contentment and overwhelming bliss. I wish everyone could feel what i feel right now.
I actually wrote a little today, right after i said my goodbyes at the airport, as we waited to see kris & zan's flight take off - as the plane taxied down the runway, stopped, turned around, and rocketed skyward. Now, don't get me wrong, i've written stuff that is far better than this, but this was so spontaneous, and was written really as everything took place, in an attempt to somehow capture that dual feeling of extreme sadness/longing and pure joy when seeing what lies ahead and what we had a chance to share. And in that way i could never change it; to do so would be sacrilege. Have a pleasant night, reader, and dream sweetly.
------------------------------------------------
untitled
10/12/04
chasing the sun, all the way home
you and i
facing not a sunset but a sunrise
forever
i can't do anything but raise my eyes to
you
in the plane
and smile
tears for the times we'll share
dried by the cool breeze
all this
forever
10.02.2004
Hola! I'm in the process of winding down from what turned out to be a fine Friday evening, and I thought i may as well write a little before hitting the sack at such an awfully late hour.
Staying up this late is a good thing, though; if nothing else it'll condition me for what promises to be an amazing little seven-day break from work that starts this Wednesday. Rumour has it that i may have a few visitors joining me, but ... that all seems to be speculation at this point. I suppose if someone were to show up i'd probably offer my hospitality, but dude, like anyone would come visit me. I mean, come on, let's be realistic here.
Today was a pleasantly productive day at work. Although i felt oddly stress-free, i was able to kick out two out of three tools that I need to complete for the first beta release of my program. Well... one still needs some polishing. In fact, i'm sure another good six hours. But i made some stellar fuckin progress nonetheless, thanks in part to some Nine Inch Nails, the Lord of the Rings: Fellowship soundtrack, and Queens of the Stone Age's self-titled album. I did want to hear U2's "Electrical Storm" as well, but they went and changed their website on me, in the process temporarily removing the video for that song. Grr! I just cried and cried... hehe.
After work I came home and eventually made my way down to dustin's grandmother's place, where i was fed some stellar chili and salad, complete with some good tea and finished with a kick-ass bowl of ice cream. And, to my much pleasant suprise, Kris called while i was down there, so we got to talk for awhile too. As always that left me totally bouncing afterwards, and, man, i just can't wait to see her again. Eloquence is simply too fleeting when it comes to describing how much i miss her.
Dustin and I had planned on coming back to my place to chill out and perhaps watch a movie, and meet up with brianne. Alas, dustin ended up at his friend heather's instead, and must have stayed there a bit later than expected, for i never did hear from him. Brianne came over, though, and we had a blast - one can't complain about a fun night of conversation and music combined with green tea and some leftover spicy vegan Goat-soup! And i introduced her, too, to the awesomeness that is Rush in Rio. Wow... holy fuck. I've never been able to watch it myself, alone, for more than about 10 minutes before i have to turn it off, or else i'll just short-circuit - blow a fuse and fry myself out from the energy of it all. Somehow i managed through about half of it tonight, though, so i have to commend myself. Fuck! I want to see those guys so fucking bad again, especially after seeing Bravado and Cygnus x1... and La Villa.... 2112... fucking Earthshine, dude.. my god.
k... i have to stop, hehe.
Plus, i'm awfully exhausted, and at this rate, i've been up for damn near 24 hours. Perhaps that's my cue to hit the sack once and for all after a most pleasant evening (all the stuff i did plus getting to talk to the Lobster and Val, both whom i miss terribly, made for just one hell of a night). Sleep well tonight, reader, and dream sweetly.
Staying up this late is a good thing, though; if nothing else it'll condition me for what promises to be an amazing little seven-day break from work that starts this Wednesday. Rumour has it that i may have a few visitors joining me, but ... that all seems to be speculation at this point. I suppose if someone were to show up i'd probably offer my hospitality, but dude, like anyone would come visit me. I mean, come on, let's be realistic here.
Today was a pleasantly productive day at work. Although i felt oddly stress-free, i was able to kick out two out of three tools that I need to complete for the first beta release of my program. Well... one still needs some polishing. In fact, i'm sure another good six hours. But i made some stellar fuckin progress nonetheless, thanks in part to some Nine Inch Nails, the Lord of the Rings: Fellowship soundtrack, and Queens of the Stone Age's self-titled album. I did want to hear U2's "Electrical Storm" as well, but they went and changed their website on me, in the process temporarily removing the video for that song. Grr! I just cried and cried... hehe.
After work I came home and eventually made my way down to dustin's grandmother's place, where i was fed some stellar chili and salad, complete with some good tea and finished with a kick-ass bowl of ice cream. And, to my much pleasant suprise, Kris called while i was down there, so we got to talk for awhile too. As always that left me totally bouncing afterwards, and, man, i just can't wait to see her again. Eloquence is simply too fleeting when it comes to describing how much i miss her.
Dustin and I had planned on coming back to my place to chill out and perhaps watch a movie, and meet up with brianne. Alas, dustin ended up at his friend heather's instead, and must have stayed there a bit later than expected, for i never did hear from him. Brianne came over, though, and we had a blast - one can't complain about a fun night of conversation and music combined with green tea and some leftover spicy vegan Goat-soup! And i introduced her, too, to the awesomeness that is Rush in Rio. Wow... holy fuck. I've never been able to watch it myself, alone, for more than about 10 minutes before i have to turn it off, or else i'll just short-circuit - blow a fuse and fry myself out from the energy of it all. Somehow i managed through about half of it tonight, though, so i have to commend myself. Fuck! I want to see those guys so fucking bad again, especially after seeing Bravado and Cygnus x1... and La Villa.... 2112... fucking Earthshine, dude.. my god.
k... i have to stop, hehe.
Plus, i'm awfully exhausted, and at this rate, i've been up for damn near 24 hours. Perhaps that's my cue to hit the sack once and for all after a most pleasant evening (all the stuff i did plus getting to talk to the Lobster and Val, both whom i miss terribly, made for just one hell of a night). Sleep well tonight, reader, and dream sweetly.
9.29.2004
Aah... hola, reader. A while ago I found myself on my way to score some beauty rest, as today ended up being quite the long and intense day at work. Lots of weird programming problems, strategic planning meetings, and another employee resignation. Fuck. However, i was suprised to find my friend Val online tonight, so instead of just running off to bed like an obediant Goat should, i chatted for awhile, which was a blast as always.
Feeling the flow, i decided to do a little writing as well. While arguably one of my smallest pieces - and really just this thing that wrote itself - it seemed complete. Lately i'll wait a day or two and massage my works before they tell me they're done, but this one yelled at me right away, telling me i had best save it and post it before i start meddling with it and fuck up something that is best left alone.
It sucks; i've felt really out of tune with my Writin' Goat aspect these past few days. Perhaps coming off my steroids has something to do with that. Either way, the soup i made tonight (so spicy - but so utterly good, and vegan this time, too!) may have given me the firecracker-in-the-ass jolt that i needed to start expressing myself again. I love being in that state, but inevitably life does balance itself, so i go through little spans where i don't even consider writing - almost like i forget that i can. It's natural, i suppose, for that balancing act to occur, but it's always so much fun when the pendulum swings back around and i start writing like a mad fiend again.
(i also did listen to an assload of Disturbed, Powerman, and Lord of the Rings soundtracks today while at work, so maybe all that energy i collected and generated and pushed out and consumed and simply experienced helped relight the fuse, so to speak).
but i'm-a yawning like a bastard tonight, so i should take that as my cue and hit the sack. Have a wonderful night, reader, and dream sweetly.
---------------------------------------------
four
9/29/04
half past ten, belly full
of
soup
and I’m swallowed in marshmallow darkness
blindly swimming in
gravy
on a Thanksgiving morning, grandma’s house
the shadows drenched in hazelnut and
caramel beneath my desk
as I write
and for some reason in this starvation
I’m not longing, I’m simply
remembering, letting it all
flow back
like black ink
as it crawls down to the sea
river Atlas bearing the weight
of a world captured in
the aching notes of a blues guitar
I remember it all, and I smile
Feeling the flow, i decided to do a little writing as well. While arguably one of my smallest pieces - and really just this thing that wrote itself - it seemed complete. Lately i'll wait a day or two and massage my works before they tell me they're done, but this one yelled at me right away, telling me i had best save it and post it before i start meddling with it and fuck up something that is best left alone.
It sucks; i've felt really out of tune with my Writin' Goat aspect these past few days. Perhaps coming off my steroids has something to do with that. Either way, the soup i made tonight (so spicy - but so utterly good, and vegan this time, too!) may have given me the firecracker-in-the-ass jolt that i needed to start expressing myself again. I love being in that state, but inevitably life does balance itself, so i go through little spans where i don't even consider writing - almost like i forget that i can. It's natural, i suppose, for that balancing act to occur, but it's always so much fun when the pendulum swings back around and i start writing like a mad fiend again.
(i also did listen to an assload of Disturbed, Powerman, and Lord of the Rings soundtracks today while at work, so maybe all that energy i collected and generated and pushed out and consumed and simply experienced helped relight the fuse, so to speak).
but i'm-a yawning like a bastard tonight, so i should take that as my cue and hit the sack. Have a wonderful night, reader, and dream sweetly.
---------------------------------------------
four
9/29/04
half past ten, belly full
of
soup
and I’m swallowed in marshmallow darkness
blindly swimming in
gravy
on a Thanksgiving morning, grandma’s house
the shadows drenched in hazelnut and
caramel beneath my desk
as I write
and for some reason in this starvation
I’m not longing, I’m simply
remembering, letting it all
flow back
like black ink
as it crawls down to the sea
river Atlas bearing the weight
of a world captured in
the aching notes of a blues guitar
I remember it all, and I smile
9.23.2004
wow... talk about a night! First i see this fucking brilliant sunrise, then i get to hear the new fucking U2 single - Vertigo! Thanks to my ever-connected friend Val, she turned me onto a website that had links to the new single. so of course i had to download it and listen to it, like three times, lol. This is tough dude since i'm sooo tired and need to hit the sack, but i'm just stoked, between this, the fact i wrote again, an awesome conversation i had with zan, and shit, just this overwhelming sense of positive open-ended fucking life that stands before me tonight. Man, this is the stuff i live for.
Oh, and now soy milk, too. In the past day or so i've become rather hooked on the Silk line of vanilla-flavored soy milk - it's just so awfully tasty. I just may have to go score another glass before i slip away for my beauty rest.
Here's what i wrote tonight. very much in the flow, a spur of the moment creation, but one that i'm really digging on, too. simple, yet not all that bad, reader. Have a pleasant night and dream of something awesome, like seeing u2 in concert!!
--------------------------------------------------
how it all goes down
9/23/04
my nerves sang steel
they froze the light that lit my eyes
and I slid over the land in a fireball
past trees framed in crisp autumn mist
their leaves crying out in a whispered chorus
and I gazed to the west, always the west
and oh, what I saw –
it would have killed me to continue
so I danced on frantic ferret’s feet
back around the corners
screaming north, west, south and
back again west
always the west
and spied beneath the rain
that last light, the only bit
this endless gray day to shine
with bluegreen evening cloud
risen and eased, and slight mist
draping a nothingweight fog around
a bloated disproportionate beacon
cemented on the gray horizon
determined to stand out and scream
my little furry paws became ensnared in paste
and I was stuck, a mere ferret trapped in
a moment of forever -
my god
this sunset
my one beacon sun -
to think, a
conscious moment’s first
glimpse only -
but I turned around
I turned around and came back home
Oh, and now soy milk, too. In the past day or so i've become rather hooked on the Silk line of vanilla-flavored soy milk - it's just so awfully tasty. I just may have to go score another glass before i slip away for my beauty rest.
Here's what i wrote tonight. very much in the flow, a spur of the moment creation, but one that i'm really digging on, too. simple, yet not all that bad, reader. Have a pleasant night and dream of something awesome, like seeing u2 in concert!!
--------------------------------------------------
how it all goes down
9/23/04
my nerves sang steel
they froze the light that lit my eyes
and I slid over the land in a fireball
past trees framed in crisp autumn mist
their leaves crying out in a whispered chorus
and I gazed to the west, always the west
and oh, what I saw –
it would have killed me to continue
so I danced on frantic ferret’s feet
back around the corners
screaming north, west, south and
back again west
always the west
and spied beneath the rain
that last light, the only bit
this endless gray day to shine
with bluegreen evening cloud
risen and eased, and slight mist
draping a nothingweight fog around
a bloated disproportionate beacon
cemented on the gray horizon
determined to stand out and scream
my little furry paws became ensnared in paste
and I was stuck, a mere ferret trapped in
a moment of forever -
my god
this sunset
my one beacon sun -
to think, a
conscious moment’s first
glimpse only -
but I turned around
I turned around and came back home
9.22.2004
my god... i am so insanely tired tonight it's not even funny. Quite why i'm not sure, to be honest - but getting into work at 5:55am likely had something to do with it... and perhaps the steroids i'm on, which should rid me of the creeping death. last night they made my back and legs hurt like a royal bastard, and today they apparently chose to instead slam me with a lightning-hot headache. While that's now departed, thankfully, i'm interested to see what's in store for me tomorrow, hehe. I've been making headway at work regardless, though, and getting in a few extra hours to boot. I can use those, then, to make up for the time i'll be spending out of the office for a week starting October 6th.
For the life of me i can't even seem to fucking remember why i'm even taking the time off in the first place. I must be out of it! or just in an extreme case of denial, hehe.
But dig it, i finished a piece i've been working on intermittently the past few days. This one in particular is a little out there, and to be true i'm not even sure what the fuck i meant to capture with it in the first place. I can make a few conjectures, but i started with an awfully rough draft from last week and tonight let the flow polish it up as it saw fit. Here's the result, for better or worse (I think i've written better, by far, but i half felt guilty moving onto another and leaving this one unfinished. For what it's worth, here she be).
I'm so going to bed, reader. I hope you sleep well tonight and have the sweetest of dreams, and we shall speak soon.
-------------------------------------------------
whence it came who knows
9/22/04
I was there
held fast beneath what someday becomes
for everyone a single fading dimlight
beautifully tethered to an ancient
ceiling by a rotting cord
in the middle of a room vacant;
a greasy yellow pendant
illuminating the smoke
as it drifts from my right hand, slack
the moment as real as this glass I clench, rigid and wet
dull as my wit tonight
cheap as a dollar-store piñata
all utterly harmless
but all a bit scary
sit at the table a few moments longer
we all do, we all will
and see cold unconscious force
blend with the restraint of the meek
below this tiny yellow bulb -
to this construction-paper specter raise
an illuminated glass
that reflects your passion
in an everyday ghost, like kindergarten art:
animals complete with cheerful barnyard smiles
and brass fasteners for joints
the little sharp ones that rip
through heavy colored stock
when teased
such fancies are never static
in that forgotten pub
the one we visit in those dimlit moments
where late-night, whiskey-fired inspiration
never lays rest to dreams;
they’re captured
live on location as it unfolds
as lives flex and change like the stars
once orion now the southern cross
so lash out, courageously seize the glass
savor the last and thrust it down
(the heavy table will only voice a modest complaint)
turn around now quickly compel your
chair to scream across the floor
and behind you find only the dusty paneled wall
of this shithole bar
to dance with you tonight
in this place that silences all
where echoes come to die
and our tiny dreams are forgotten
until we end
For the life of me i can't even seem to fucking remember why i'm even taking the time off in the first place. I must be out of it! or just in an extreme case of denial, hehe.
But dig it, i finished a piece i've been working on intermittently the past few days. This one in particular is a little out there, and to be true i'm not even sure what the fuck i meant to capture with it in the first place. I can make a few conjectures, but i started with an awfully rough draft from last week and tonight let the flow polish it up as it saw fit. Here's the result, for better or worse (I think i've written better, by far, but i half felt guilty moving onto another and leaving this one unfinished. For what it's worth, here she be).
I'm so going to bed, reader. I hope you sleep well tonight and have the sweetest of dreams, and we shall speak soon.
-------------------------------------------------
whence it came who knows
9/22/04
I was there
held fast beneath what someday becomes
for everyone a single fading dimlight
beautifully tethered to an ancient
ceiling by a rotting cord
in the middle of a room vacant;
a greasy yellow pendant
illuminating the smoke
as it drifts from my right hand, slack
the moment as real as this glass I clench, rigid and wet
dull as my wit tonight
cheap as a dollar-store piñata
all utterly harmless
but all a bit scary
sit at the table a few moments longer
we all do, we all will
and see cold unconscious force
blend with the restraint of the meek
below this tiny yellow bulb -
to this construction-paper specter raise
an illuminated glass
that reflects your passion
in an everyday ghost, like kindergarten art:
animals complete with cheerful barnyard smiles
and brass fasteners for joints
the little sharp ones that rip
through heavy colored stock
when teased
such fancies are never static
in that forgotten pub
the one we visit in those dimlit moments
where late-night, whiskey-fired inspiration
never lays rest to dreams;
they’re captured
live on location as it unfolds
as lives flex and change like the stars
once orion now the southern cross
so lash out, courageously seize the glass
savor the last and thrust it down
(the heavy table will only voice a modest complaint)
turn around now quickly compel your
chair to scream across the floor
and behind you find only the dusty paneled wall
of this shithole bar
to dance with you tonight
in this place that silences all
where echoes come to die
and our tiny dreams are forgotten
until we end
9.21.2004
Tonight's the night, the night that we ride
Tonight's the night we live or we die
I'm just sitting here at work, and mmm... there's nothing quite like a little Powerman 5000 to get a Goat into the perfect early-afternoon coding frenzy.
To my C#, all i can say is "bring it, bitch!" Have a stellar afternoon, reader.
Tonight's the night we live or we die
I'm just sitting here at work, and mmm... there's nothing quite like a little Powerman 5000 to get a Goat into the perfect early-afternoon coding frenzy.
To my C#, all i can say is "bring it, bitch!" Have a stellar afternoon, reader.
9.16.2004
morningstream
9/16/04
I suppose I should go, though -
more people seem to be coming in
as the sun begins to rise out my window
just a thin
strip of pumpkin daylight
fading to a deep but new rust
that clings to the hills
like the night refusing to release
its hold on the stars
a sky the
autumn harvest
captured above, before
all this
stirring deep within
thoughts of warm evening fires
and cinnamon whispers floating
from timeless grandmother ovens
a simple semaphore
on a new day
fortelling its simple excellence
(written, rather stream-of-conciousnessly, at the end of an email i just sent to Zanny. bam!)
9/16/04
I suppose I should go, though -
more people seem to be coming in
as the sun begins to rise out my window
just a thin
strip of pumpkin daylight
fading to a deep but new rust
that clings to the hills
like the night refusing to release
its hold on the stars
a sky the
autumn harvest
captured above, before
all this
stirring deep within
thoughts of warm evening fires
and cinnamon whispers floating
from timeless grandmother ovens
a simple semaphore
on a new day
fortelling its simple excellence
(written, rather stream-of-conciousnessly, at the end of an email i just sent to Zanny. bam!)
9.13.2004
Hey, guys. I've been meaning to drop in and post like i normally do (well, like I used to) and churn out a classic soapbox rant about my day-to-day trivialities. However, feeling the flow again, I decided to substantially tweak - and finish - a piece that i started a few days ago, when feeling particularly stressed from general office insanity. Here's the result.
I need to jet, however, and call up a few folk this evening, still, before i hit the sack. I sincerely hope you have a wonderful Monday night, and the best of days tomorrow. Sleep well.
----------------------------------------------------
act of balance
9/13/04
tonight a nightblue whisper is the rhythm
barely there like
a child’s wish, but
now that you mention it
really the beat’s closer to the flat
sound of wind
on heavy lead afternoons
that brushes against paper lanterns
unlit, flirting
with the walls outside
ignoring the insides, leaving them
smeared an unbecoming
eggshell stillness
that overlooks the cobwebs
scattered about in the corners
in an idiot’s fit, laying low
stepping past the vitality
captured on stretched canvases
that hang like regal corpses
soon enough soft rhythm becomes
a pounding blitzkrieg, whispers turning to
daytime battles
and I’m tired, oh so tired
run down by the nothinglight
that filters down through these nothingwindows
onto my plain mercenary nothingwalls
of its burnt nickelodeon image
and stale mildew stench
I’ve grown tired
but my oh my, don’t that wind
sound soft tonight
like drops of the sweetest jazz
falling from the heavens -
the tears of god on the eve of war
I need to jet, however, and call up a few folk this evening, still, before i hit the sack. I sincerely hope you have a wonderful Monday night, and the best of days tomorrow. Sleep well.
----------------------------------------------------
act of balance
9/13/04
tonight a nightblue whisper is the rhythm
barely there like
a child’s wish, but
now that you mention it
really the beat’s closer to the flat
sound of wind
on heavy lead afternoons
that brushes against paper lanterns
unlit, flirting
with the walls outside
ignoring the insides, leaving them
smeared an unbecoming
eggshell stillness
that overlooks the cobwebs
scattered about in the corners
in an idiot’s fit, laying low
stepping past the vitality
captured on stretched canvases
that hang like regal corpses
soon enough soft rhythm becomes
a pounding blitzkrieg, whispers turning to
daytime battles
and I’m tired, oh so tired
run down by the nothinglight
that filters down through these nothingwindows
onto my plain mercenary nothingwalls
of its burnt nickelodeon image
and stale mildew stench
I’ve grown tired
but my oh my, don’t that wind
sound soft tonight
like drops of the sweetest jazz
falling from the heavens -
the tears of god on the eve of war
9.05.2004
Two poems today! On this rather dreary and gray day, i did a little writing (what else to do? sadly i couldn't ride bike this morning on account of the weather and such), and here's what i knocked out. Both of these were pretty quick writes, too - quite unlike "the nightchild ageless", which took a few days of poking around and restructuring.
I think i'll go hit the shower, since i just got done with a little lifting, and then head down to the store and see if i can find another plant. I have three in the house, currently, and I'd like to score a fourth. Plus, i plan on swapping two of my plants - one is getting two big for its pot, and the other just never grew into its quite-oversized one. So, even if i don't find plant that suits the Goat's tastes, i can still get some potting soil and have a wild and dirty transplanting party at my place later today, hehe.
Have an awesome, restful Sunday, reader.
---------------------------------------------
soft september
9/5/04
outside
there’s a single dove alone on the wire
set against an heavy sky
head under her wing
on this charcoal day where the rain
just won’t come
like that lone dove
I’ve been waiting
but the rain won’t fall
held fast to my own wire
I’m glued to this moment
lost in the anticipation of
impending serenity
but ensnared with restraint and doubt;
if I fly, I might get wet, catch a fever,
slip fall and die
but why bury my head
beneath my own wing
when rain is to be danced under,
not shunned
and suddenly the dove leaves
I’d fly beneath this, too
lift off from my wire
and escape this moment
leave it all behind
and let the rain wash down
if only it would
---------------------------------------------
top down transcendence
9/5/04
let’s maniacally scatter ourselves
today
over the pearl sea above the land
and down inside small places
those nowhere villages
where the clocks stop
let’s get lost in that world
when we’re done
we’ll blow away
feeling the beat riding the wind
we’ll let the waves
gently knock us down
anywhere they please
we’ll explode
and when the end comes
we’ll settle down again
you and I
like cellos in the night
I think i'll go hit the shower, since i just got done with a little lifting, and then head down to the store and see if i can find another plant. I have three in the house, currently, and I'd like to score a fourth. Plus, i plan on swapping two of my plants - one is getting two big for its pot, and the other just never grew into its quite-oversized one. So, even if i don't find plant that suits the Goat's tastes, i can still get some potting soil and have a wild and dirty transplanting party at my place later today, hehe.
Have an awesome, restful Sunday, reader.
---------------------------------------------
soft september
9/5/04
outside
there’s a single dove alone on the wire
set against an heavy sky
head under her wing
on this charcoal day where the rain
just won’t come
like that lone dove
I’ve been waiting
but the rain won’t fall
held fast to my own wire
I’m glued to this moment
lost in the anticipation of
impending serenity
but ensnared with restraint and doubt;
if I fly, I might get wet, catch a fever,
slip fall and die
but why bury my head
beneath my own wing
when rain is to be danced under,
not shunned
and suddenly the dove leaves
I’d fly beneath this, too
lift off from my wire
and escape this moment
leave it all behind
and let the rain wash down
if only it would
---------------------------------------------
top down transcendence
9/5/04
let’s maniacally scatter ourselves
today
over the pearl sea above the land
and down inside small places
those nowhere villages
where the clocks stop
let’s get lost in that world
when we’re done
we’ll blow away
feeling the beat riding the wind
we’ll let the waves
gently knock us down
anywhere they please
we’ll explode
and when the end comes
we’ll settle down again
you and I
like cellos in the night
9.02.2004
Oh ... i guess i didn't go to bed quite yet, did I? Ha-ha! Instead, inspired by some new music, and the feeling it brought, it seemed high time to write once again. Normally my little works seem to reflect on a certain theme, or have a set "meaning" behind them (although i try not to explain what that is, through my concern that it may taint the reader's perception of what it really means). This one, however, came from who the fuck knows where. Either way, it seemed decent enough to post, rather than hit the proverbial scrap heap of unfinished things that never seem to take off.
Again, sleep well, reader. I'm really going to bed this time. :)
---------------------------------------
progress in work
9/2/04
spiral
down
the loop of sea green
where evening purple turns to black
and gold peeks ‘round the corners
stay awhile
and rocket skyward
in screaming yellow white
where moonlight ends and pink begins
tossing your beams of love round the earth
like the rising day
that shines over me
shake a little
sideways
in a rhythmic trance
blue exotica twisting, blending
with shocking phosphorescence
the kind of thing that kills distance
with its bare immediacy
then, guitar in hand,
sit awhile
and play like a wind-borne whisper
that song I love
Again, sleep well, reader. I'm really going to bed this time. :)
---------------------------------------
progress in work
9/2/04
spiral
down
the loop of sea green
where evening purple turns to black
and gold peeks ‘round the corners
stay awhile
and rocket skyward
in screaming yellow white
where moonlight ends and pink begins
tossing your beams of love round the earth
like the rising day
that shines over me
shake a little
sideways
in a rhythmic trance
blue exotica twisting, blending
with shocking phosphorescence
the kind of thing that kills distance
with its bare immediacy
then, guitar in hand,
sit awhile
and play like a wind-borne whisper
that song I love
8.31.2004
Finally... i can write again! It seemed like i wasn't feeling the love, so to speak, these past few days, but I was able to churn out a piece tonight that i've been toying with the past few days. Perhaps the sangria fuled me tonight, or just another moment of inspiration from seeing the moon again - purely golden like last night, and bloated and wise, seated just above the eastern horizon.
Have a peaceful night, reader - dream of the one you love - and wake tomorrow with smiles.
-----------------------------------------------------------
the nightchild ageless
8/31/04
my weary journey home
felt a bit like christmas -
the moon high, distant,
a little farther off
on a night
at the cusp
of an indian summer
I floated above the streets
dazed
blinded
by white headlights, red and green stoplights
all the colors of december
caught within the center
of a Friday-night explosion -
main-street traffic of youngsters -
and I fall back to an early morning, five years old
inching towards the tree
two steps a time
blinded
by white lights, red bows, green needles
colors of my yuletide fancies
and I rolled down the window
slowly hung my arm out
and remembered the chill of the night
years ago, stamping angels in the front-yard snow
blinded by the yellow light
pouring out the windows
color of my family’s love
I drove
and my journey closed
as I rounded the corner
the colors faded, the traffic died
and I resurrected at last a lonely road,
buried deep in a winter long ago
prairie night filled with arctic light
and sharp canadian gales
blinded by white wind and green sky
the colors of god beneath the stars
the images fold
like pages of a manuscript stapled tight
and between time, beside them all,
I lie
and over it all
the same moon
shines down
Have a peaceful night, reader - dream of the one you love - and wake tomorrow with smiles.
-----------------------------------------------------------
the nightchild ageless
8/31/04
my weary journey home
felt a bit like christmas -
the moon high, distant,
a little farther off
on a night
at the cusp
of an indian summer
I floated above the streets
dazed
blinded
by white headlights, red and green stoplights
all the colors of december
caught within the center
of a Friday-night explosion -
main-street traffic of youngsters -
and I fall back to an early morning, five years old
inching towards the tree
two steps a time
blinded
by white lights, red bows, green needles
colors of my yuletide fancies
and I rolled down the window
slowly hung my arm out
and remembered the chill of the night
years ago, stamping angels in the front-yard snow
blinded by the yellow light
pouring out the windows
color of my family’s love
I drove
and my journey closed
as I rounded the corner
the colors faded, the traffic died
and I resurrected at last a lonely road,
buried deep in a winter long ago
prairie night filled with arctic light
and sharp canadian gales
blinded by white wind and green sky
the colors of god beneath the stars
the images fold
like pages of a manuscript stapled tight
and between time, beside them all,
I lie
and over it all
the same moon
shines down
8.26.2004
Good evening, folks. I'm on my way to bed shortly here, but as i let my hair dry, i thought it prudent to stop on over to the 'ol blog and toss an entry out for the hell of it.
And, i just felt like writing tonight.
Today started off with grand aspirations. Although I didn't make it into the office until 7:40am (hey, a goat's gotta sleep in sometimes) I got some decent stuff done today while i was there. It did get a little stressful, though, so by the time i got home i was ready just to let it all hang out, relax, and chill with dustin and his brother and other friends for his bro's 21st birthday.
Before that, however, i had a hell of a rollercoaster ride. There were tremendous ups - two letters from Kris, which was a fucking awesome surprise, man, and a cool little chat with Zan, as well. All that positive energy was by all means welcome (as it always is), but even moreso considering the other crap that went down around the same time. My grandmother called me and proceeded to start going off about my old man, and a bunch of related family matters, including my stepbrother's suicide a year and a half ago, etc etc... and it brought out a lot of darkness into what i had thought would be a bright, stellar, simply chill evening.
Alas, i was called on to assume the role of moral supporter, to help my grandmother through some particularly heavy emotions. The bitch of this task, though, is that I want to be there for pretty much everyone, and will be there for everyone, but it does begin to drag a person down over time, because, sadly, there's only so much energy that i can push out to those in need - especially when i'm in a state myself where i'm not the fullest; i'm battling the creeping death as well as these bouts of not-quite-depression but just blueness that keep trying to take hold. I've been more or less successful at keeping those at bay, but nonetheless it's hard to ward off destructive feelings and help someone at the same time. Especially when you have a direct association with the same shit the person you're helping is dealing with.
It's times like these where i begin to wonder if some of my personality traits - being overly sensitive and empathetic, being able to see both sides to damn near everything, not seeing things in black and white - are really blessings or are outright curses. I'm crossing my fingers and hoping that those traits are actually good things. I feel like a fence-sitter most of the time (unless it concerns obvious wrongs, like George W. or lima beans or something), but again, maybe that's a good thing - that i'm not too overly reactionary, unless in those cases where i'm so passionate about something i can't help but be reactionary; to not be reactionary over something as childish as an amendment to ban gay marriage, or fight against voter apathy, or take a stand against any other thing that is right is a denial of one's self, of your passions, of life.
Even though i abrupty left my stepbrother's visitation, and couldn't bring myself to attend the funeral, for christ's sake, because of the insanity that blew up during the visitation, i can see why it happened. From my family's side, at least.
Anyways, yeah, the night got a little off-kilter after talking over some of that stuff with my grandmother. Things were looking up after talking with zan, though, and meeting dustin and the rest of the crew at the restaurant. After some tasty tex-mex and unsweetened iced tea (the latter of which Goats are quite fond), i was doing okay.
(somehow, though, i managed to cut open my lower lip on the top of cody's car door before dinner began. don't ask...)
all said and done, i was looking forward to bowling and generally chilling with my friends. Dustin and I met up with cody and his ex-girlfriend at his house, and plans encountered a bit of a change. Upon arrival all hell seemed to break loose as cody and his ex began fighting. It wasn't some mega huge nuclear extravaganza, but it wasn't much fun to experience, and it left both pretty well shaken. After a good spot of talking, between all of us, she took off, taking his keys - since he'd been drinking - and the remaining three of us ended up axing the plans to bowl. Instead, we took off, picked up cody's new girl, and came back to the house, where we just sort of sat around. All the while i was coughing to beat hell, and getting more tired as well, so i decided to call it an early night around 10:00 in the interest of keeping my health as well as it can be.
That leads me to where i am now; blogging like a mad fiend. It's been good spending some time with you tonight, reader. Alas, I ought to hit the sack and catch some beauty rest - and try and recover from this wicked creeping death i have. Word on the street is that dustin is gonna give me the echinacea hook-up tomorrow, though, so hopefully that'll help me kick this thing's ass.
Have a blissfully calm night, reader, and we'll meet again soon.
And, i just felt like writing tonight.
Today started off with grand aspirations. Although I didn't make it into the office until 7:40am (hey, a goat's gotta sleep in sometimes) I got some decent stuff done today while i was there. It did get a little stressful, though, so by the time i got home i was ready just to let it all hang out, relax, and chill with dustin and his brother and other friends for his bro's 21st birthday.
Before that, however, i had a hell of a rollercoaster ride. There were tremendous ups - two letters from Kris, which was a fucking awesome surprise, man, and a cool little chat with Zan, as well. All that positive energy was by all means welcome (as it always is), but even moreso considering the other crap that went down around the same time. My grandmother called me and proceeded to start going off about my old man, and a bunch of related family matters, including my stepbrother's suicide a year and a half ago, etc etc... and it brought out a lot of darkness into what i had thought would be a bright, stellar, simply chill evening.
Alas, i was called on to assume the role of moral supporter, to help my grandmother through some particularly heavy emotions. The bitch of this task, though, is that I want to be there for pretty much everyone, and will be there for everyone, but it does begin to drag a person down over time, because, sadly, there's only so much energy that i can push out to those in need - especially when i'm in a state myself where i'm not the fullest; i'm battling the creeping death as well as these bouts of not-quite-depression but just blueness that keep trying to take hold. I've been more or less successful at keeping those at bay, but nonetheless it's hard to ward off destructive feelings and help someone at the same time. Especially when you have a direct association with the same shit the person you're helping is dealing with.
It's times like these where i begin to wonder if some of my personality traits - being overly sensitive and empathetic, being able to see both sides to damn near everything, not seeing things in black and white - are really blessings or are outright curses. I'm crossing my fingers and hoping that those traits are actually good things. I feel like a fence-sitter most of the time (unless it concerns obvious wrongs, like George W. or lima beans or something), but again, maybe that's a good thing - that i'm not too overly reactionary, unless in those cases where i'm so passionate about something i can't help but be reactionary; to not be reactionary over something as childish as an amendment to ban gay marriage, or fight against voter apathy, or take a stand against any other thing that is right is a denial of one's self, of your passions, of life.
Even though i abrupty left my stepbrother's visitation, and couldn't bring myself to attend the funeral, for christ's sake, because of the insanity that blew up during the visitation, i can see why it happened. From my family's side, at least.
Anyways, yeah, the night got a little off-kilter after talking over some of that stuff with my grandmother. Things were looking up after talking with zan, though, and meeting dustin and the rest of the crew at the restaurant. After some tasty tex-mex and unsweetened iced tea (the latter of which Goats are quite fond), i was doing okay.
(somehow, though, i managed to cut open my lower lip on the top of cody's car door before dinner began. don't ask...)
all said and done, i was looking forward to bowling and generally chilling with my friends. Dustin and I met up with cody and his ex-girlfriend at his house, and plans encountered a bit of a change. Upon arrival all hell seemed to break loose as cody and his ex began fighting. It wasn't some mega huge nuclear extravaganza, but it wasn't much fun to experience, and it left both pretty well shaken. After a good spot of talking, between all of us, she took off, taking his keys - since he'd been drinking - and the remaining three of us ended up axing the plans to bowl. Instead, we took off, picked up cody's new girl, and came back to the house, where we just sort of sat around. All the while i was coughing to beat hell, and getting more tired as well, so i decided to call it an early night around 10:00 in the interest of keeping my health as well as it can be.
That leads me to where i am now; blogging like a mad fiend. It's been good spending some time with you tonight, reader. Alas, I ought to hit the sack and catch some beauty rest - and try and recover from this wicked creeping death i have. Word on the street is that dustin is gonna give me the echinacea hook-up tomorrow, though, so hopefully that'll help me kick this thing's ass.
Have a blissfully calm night, reader, and we'll meet again soon.
8.21.2004
goddamn... i've been a regular poetry machine lately! Thanks to the firecracker-shoving-up-the-ass nature of road trips to cool places and moments spent with fucking brilliant folk, i've been so much more in tune with my inner Goat, and i'm glad. Here's my latest concoction.
by the way, i made a mean soup tonight. Vegetable noodle it was, and oh, it was so damned good, i ate one bowl of its spicy goodness, and then, man, i got all nuts, and had soup after my soup! Yes, two soups, hehe. Maybe that's why i'm all jazzed tonight!
Have an amazing saturday night, reader, and rest peacefully.
-----------------------------------------------
tide
8/21/04
the day introduces itself to me with
a tender light,
childishly peeking round the edges
of the blinds
and it begins to speak, quietly,
in a secretive little voice
I learn from its whisper
that I have a license to kill
the white morning beckons,
and I lean in close, finding out
what it means to be a butcher
softening the sting
that burns like daylight
on pallid vampire skin
and I see what it’s like to be
a murderer
a killer of things that cut deep
like slaughterhouse knives
held tight against straining necks
I learn this as bright smiling nature
waltzes on my window
and swings ‘round my ceiling
in a smooth dance of courage and hope
the solar heat a blowtorch
firing the engines within my heart
and the light
my beloved’s arms around me softly
whispering, telling me
that in the end
I’ll be smiling
by the way, i made a mean soup tonight. Vegetable noodle it was, and oh, it was so damned good, i ate one bowl of its spicy goodness, and then, man, i got all nuts, and had soup after my soup! Yes, two soups, hehe. Maybe that's why i'm all jazzed tonight!
Have an amazing saturday night, reader, and rest peacefully.
-----------------------------------------------
tide
8/21/04
the day introduces itself to me with
a tender light,
childishly peeking round the edges
of the blinds
and it begins to speak, quietly,
in a secretive little voice
I learn from its whisper
that I have a license to kill
the white morning beckons,
and I lean in close, finding out
what it means to be a butcher
softening the sting
that burns like daylight
on pallid vampire skin
and I see what it’s like to be
a murderer
a killer of things that cut deep
like slaughterhouse knives
held tight against straining necks
I learn this as bright smiling nature
waltzes on my window
and swings ‘round my ceiling
in a smooth dance of courage and hope
the solar heat a blowtorch
firing the engines within my heart
and the light
my beloved’s arms around me softly
whispering, telling me
that in the end
I’ll be smiling
8.20.2004
Song of the moment:
Dave Matthews Band - I'll Back You Up
I remember thinking
I'll go on forever only knowing
I'll see you again
But I know
The touch of you is so hard to remember
But like that touch I know no other
And for sure we have danced
In the risk of each other
Would you like to dance
Around the world with me
I'll be falling all about my own thing
And I know you're the heaviest weight
When you're not here that's hung
Around my head
And your lips burn wild
Thrown from the face of a child
And in your eyes
The seeing of the greatest few
Do what you will, always
Walk where you like, your steps
Do as you please, I'll back you up
I remember thinking
Sometimes we walk
Sometimes we run away
But I know
No matter how fast we are running
Somehow we keep
Somehow we keep up with each other
I'll be falling all about my own thing
And I know you're the heaviest weight
When you're not here that's hung
Around my head
And your lips burn wild
Thrown from the face of a child
And in your eyes
The seeing of the greatest few
Do what you will, always
Walk where you like, your steps
Do as you please, I'll back you up
... have a wonderful Friday, guys.
Dave Matthews Band - I'll Back You Up
I remember thinking
I'll go on forever only knowing
I'll see you again
But I know
The touch of you is so hard to remember
But like that touch I know no other
And for sure we have danced
In the risk of each other
Would you like to dance
Around the world with me
I'll be falling all about my own thing
And I know you're the heaviest weight
When you're not here that's hung
Around my head
And your lips burn wild
Thrown from the face of a child
And in your eyes
The seeing of the greatest few
Do what you will, always
Walk where you like, your steps
Do as you please, I'll back you up
I remember thinking
Sometimes we walk
Sometimes we run away
But I know
No matter how fast we are running
Somehow we keep
Somehow we keep up with each other
I'll be falling all about my own thing
And I know you're the heaviest weight
When you're not here that's hung
Around my head
And your lips burn wild
Thrown from the face of a child
And in your eyes
The seeing of the greatest few
Do what you will, always
Walk where you like, your steps
Do as you please, I'll back you up
... have a wonderful Friday, guys.
8.16.2004
Wow... I am so tired. But i felt as though i just had to write, so here's the fruits of my labor this evening, after going for a short evening walk in my neighborhood. Although i'm still sick as hell, i'm not letting that keep me too down! It's simply too nice for a Goat to be cooped up indoors, all farm-like and what not.
Have a beautiful night, reader, and may tonight bring you infinite happiness.
--------------------------------------------
Incendiary
8/16/04
it all starts with the quiet girl
the punker on her phone
wrapped tightly in black,
low-rise jeans hanging low -
the only sound a single arc-sodium
across the street
speaking softly, shrouding us
a shared casual glance
and then the empty street -
tonight it’s smothered by grayblue flicker
and the folk are settled in
ready for their midnight journey
but poised to rise again
and live simply
on a morning forever waiting
and after it all, circle ‘round
the tired playground of a weary school,
past families turning in,
and children on late-night adventures;
as the afterheat fades to starlit transcendence
come back home again with a soul on fire
ignited by nothing but an evening stroll
through this simple, beautiful world
Have a beautiful night, reader, and may tonight bring you infinite happiness.
--------------------------------------------
Incendiary
8/16/04
it all starts with the quiet girl
the punker on her phone
wrapped tightly in black,
low-rise jeans hanging low -
the only sound a single arc-sodium
across the street
speaking softly, shrouding us
a shared casual glance
and then the empty street -
tonight it’s smothered by grayblue flicker
and the folk are settled in
ready for their midnight journey
but poised to rise again
and live simply
on a morning forever waiting
and after it all, circle ‘round
the tired playground of a weary school,
past families turning in,
and children on late-night adventures;
as the afterheat fades to starlit transcendence
come back home again with a soul on fire
ignited by nothing but an evening stroll
through this simple, beautiful world
8.15.2004
K... just lost a big post that i wrote, that took about twenty minutes to write. Blogger evidently really sucks today. So, given the circumstances, and context of how this weekend has been, i'm not terribly pleased.
The Goat has been provoked, and may being bleating in an aggrivated manner.
The general gist of the post was this: being sick sucks ass, and going out last night with my crew for the bachelor party - even though i didn't drink - was likely a big mistake, because i feel like i'm going to die. I'm so congested, coughing to beat hell, and my muscles hurt ... a trip to the doctor may very well be in order tomorrow. Because dying would really cramp my style.
And i really really wanted to go on a mountain bike ride today, but can't, because of my current state of health. This fucking licks ass, because it makes me feel like i'm being imprisoned, held back from experiencing life; i try to make the most out of my days, and when i'm sick, i'm kinda stuck. Perhaps i can catch up on some well-missed reading today, however. That would rock.
That was about all i wrote. Hopefully this post makes it through, too. Have a great Sunday, reader, and stay smilin'.
The Goat has been provoked, and may being bleating in an aggrivated manner.
The general gist of the post was this: being sick sucks ass, and going out last night with my crew for the bachelor party - even though i didn't drink - was likely a big mistake, because i feel like i'm going to die. I'm so congested, coughing to beat hell, and my muscles hurt ... a trip to the doctor may very well be in order tomorrow. Because dying would really cramp my style.
And i really really wanted to go on a mountain bike ride today, but can't, because of my current state of health. This fucking licks ass, because it makes me feel like i'm being imprisoned, held back from experiencing life; i try to make the most out of my days, and when i'm sick, i'm kinda stuck. Perhaps i can catch up on some well-missed reading today, however. That would rock.
That was about all i wrote. Hopefully this post makes it through, too. Have a great Sunday, reader, and stay smilin'.
Hey, guys. I just woke up today and realised it's been quite awhile since I wrote anything, and feeling slightly bad about this, decided I'd come and write for a little bit.
I've been away primarily because i've been trying to battle this new bout of creeping death that I picked up out at WE Fest last week. I have no idea what the fuck this is, but it's killing me nonetheless. It's likely just the plain 'ol cold, but we do have a few cases of the whooping cough in north dakota (and within our company, too) so i may head to the clinic tomorrow just to make sure nothing is fucked. It started out like most colds do for the Goat - tremendously sore throat, then the sniffles, followed by a cough that nags and nags and nags, and finally leaves like a month later. Well, it's been only a week, and i'm in the cough stage, but it's also accompanied this time by some wicked head congestion, and i keep coughing shit up, lots of stuff, which is really rare for me (generally when i get colds they're always dry coughs). My luck, i'm probably just going to die or something, which would totally cramp my style.
I had planned on going on a long mountain bike ride today, too. The bike was in a local repair shop for the past few weeks getting fixed (it was done in a day, but i couldn't pick it up due to scheduling conflicts with work and a severe lack of money this month), but I went and retrieved it this past Wednesday. Thankfully it appears to be rock-solid, as it should be, and i took it out for a tiny 7-mile spin on Friday to make sure it truely was fixed. So... i could ride it now, on a beautiful sunny Sunday morning such as we have now, but i'm fucking sick, and it's gettin' me down, because dammit, i hate missing out on life because of stupid shit like a cough. But i also know in my right mind that I should just stay in and take it easy, lest i get even worse.
And i'm sure last night had something to do with it, too. It was my buddy's bachelor party, so four of us (yeah, only four!) went out on the town, bar hopping and generally painting the town red, after playing some frolf and going out to dinner. Being under the weather I decided to play the role of designated driver, though. That wasn't too bad, and i was totally willing to help my friends out and stuff in an effort to ensure their saftey, but the bars were so awfully smoky. Regardless of dd-ing or not, i just shouldn't have been out there - i came back feeling like shit, far worse off than before i went, and, subsequently, this morning is now pretty damned lame. I'm a little hoarse again (or, a little Goat? more like) , coughing lots, and i have some muscle aches, too, which concerns me. Alas, i'll go visit a doctor tomorrow.
Oh, and yeah, last night i ran over a screw in the road with the Altima, so now one of my tires has this big ass thing protruding from it. As of last night everything seemed well, but who knows if it went flat over last night or not. So that's another little adventure i get to embark on later this afternoon - go get the tire fixed. Dude, i think my luck must have run out after last weekend or something. I'm crossing my fingers and hoping that next week turns out a little better.
For now, though, I'll let you go and get started on your Sunday. The Goat's going to attempt to do so himself, perhaps by first taking a nice, long, hot shower. Have a wonderful day of rest, reader.
I've been away primarily because i've been trying to battle this new bout of creeping death that I picked up out at WE Fest last week. I have no idea what the fuck this is, but it's killing me nonetheless. It's likely just the plain 'ol cold, but we do have a few cases of the whooping cough in north dakota (and within our company, too) so i may head to the clinic tomorrow just to make sure nothing is fucked. It started out like most colds do for the Goat - tremendously sore throat, then the sniffles, followed by a cough that nags and nags and nags, and finally leaves like a month later. Well, it's been only a week, and i'm in the cough stage, but it's also accompanied this time by some wicked head congestion, and i keep coughing shit up, lots of stuff, which is really rare for me (generally when i get colds they're always dry coughs). My luck, i'm probably just going to die or something, which would totally cramp my style.
I had planned on going on a long mountain bike ride today, too. The bike was in a local repair shop for the past few weeks getting fixed (it was done in a day, but i couldn't pick it up due to scheduling conflicts with work and a severe lack of money this month), but I went and retrieved it this past Wednesday. Thankfully it appears to be rock-solid, as it should be, and i took it out for a tiny 7-mile spin on Friday to make sure it truely was fixed. So... i could ride it now, on a beautiful sunny Sunday morning such as we have now, but i'm fucking sick, and it's gettin' me down, because dammit, i hate missing out on life because of stupid shit like a cough. But i also know in my right mind that I should just stay in and take it easy, lest i get even worse.
And i'm sure last night had something to do with it, too. It was my buddy's bachelor party, so four of us (yeah, only four!) went out on the town, bar hopping and generally painting the town red, after playing some frolf and going out to dinner. Being under the weather I decided to play the role of designated driver, though. That wasn't too bad, and i was totally willing to help my friends out and stuff in an effort to ensure their saftey, but the bars were so awfully smoky. Regardless of dd-ing or not, i just shouldn't have been out there - i came back feeling like shit, far worse off than before i went, and, subsequently, this morning is now pretty damned lame. I'm a little hoarse again (or, a little Goat? more like) , coughing lots, and i have some muscle aches, too, which concerns me. Alas, i'll go visit a doctor tomorrow.
Oh, and yeah, last night i ran over a screw in the road with the Altima, so now one of my tires has this big ass thing protruding from it. As of last night everything seemed well, but who knows if it went flat over last night or not. So that's another little adventure i get to embark on later this afternoon - go get the tire fixed. Dude, i think my luck must have run out after last weekend or something. I'm crossing my fingers and hoping that next week turns out a little better.
For now, though, I'll let you go and get started on your Sunday. The Goat's going to attempt to do so himself, perhaps by first taking a nice, long, hot shower. Have a wonderful day of rest, reader.
8.09.2004
ARGH!
The one song that i wanted to hear sooo bad at the Dave show was The Stone. I've seen those guys three times, and man... it's like Rush's Earthshine, Resist, and Bravado - all wrapped into one.
They didn't play it.
But they played it the night before, at the same venue where i was, and i missed it! And my god, right after #41... oh fuck man, i would have simply melted into the ground.
Setlist from the night before my show:
Hello Again
Granny
#41
The Stone
Crazy Easy
So Much To Say -->
Super Freak* -->
Too Much
Bartender
When The World Ends
Help Myself
I'll Back You Up
Joy Ride
Grey Street
Sugar Will
Ants Marching
Everyday
Encore:
Typical Situation
Warehouse
Have i been deviating from the path/flow lately? Cause this, man, sucks. What did i do to receive such bad karma? Argh!
Oh well, there'll be another time, perhaps with the Lobster, cause dude... yeah. That would rock beyond words.
Peace, and again, sleep well, reader.
The one song that i wanted to hear sooo bad at the Dave show was The Stone. I've seen those guys three times, and man... it's like Rush's Earthshine, Resist, and Bravado - all wrapped into one.
They didn't play it.
But they played it the night before, at the same venue where i was, and i missed it! And my god, right after #41... oh fuck man, i would have simply melted into the ground.
Setlist from the night before my show:
Hello Again
Granny
#41
The Stone
Crazy Easy
So Much To Say -->
Super Freak* -->
Too Much
Bartender
When The World Ends
Help Myself
I'll Back You Up
Joy Ride
Grey Street
Sugar Will
Ants Marching
Everyday
Encore:
Typical Situation
Warehouse
Have i been deviating from the path/flow lately? Cause this, man, sucks. What did i do to receive such bad karma? Argh!
Oh well, there'll be another time, perhaps with the Lobster, cause dude... yeah. That would rock beyond words.
Peace, and again, sleep well, reader.
Hey, reader!
I returned from WE Fest and Dave Matthews in one piece... barely. I'm so awfully sleep-deprived it's not even funny (or, perhaps it is, given who's looking at who, haha). I begin speaking in tongues, doing odd little prance-dances, randomly bleating, and eating weird things... like flowers. A yellow rose, in fact, and a little bird tells me that there's some photos of said incident; but, alas, that's another story for another time.
I've had about 5 hours of decent sleep, cumulatively, since Friday night. The whole trip was a hellacious 1100 miles roundtrip, nonstop, from Fargo to East Troy, Wisconsin, where Dave played. More on that experience later. (in short: concert fuckin' awesome, crowd bunkass)
But i reckon that the 'ol Goat should get his nightly beauty rest, since he's not had much in awhile, and could likely scare all sorts of girls away (which doesn't help when the Goat's single!). Plus, i hear tell that the Goat has some wicked cold that he cought out at WE Fest, so he's gonna have to nurse that... or else face the wrath of some evil shit, since he can't shake colds in the summer/autumn season too well. :(
I'll pop in sometime in the next day or so and tell a bit more about the trip. Until then, have a wonderful Monday night, and dream of good times spent with good friends.
I returned from WE Fest and Dave Matthews in one piece... barely. I'm so awfully sleep-deprived it's not even funny (or, perhaps it is, given who's looking at who, haha). I begin speaking in tongues, doing odd little prance-dances, randomly bleating, and eating weird things... like flowers. A yellow rose, in fact, and a little bird tells me that there's some photos of said incident; but, alas, that's another story for another time.
I've had about 5 hours of decent sleep, cumulatively, since Friday night. The whole trip was a hellacious 1100 miles roundtrip, nonstop, from Fargo to East Troy, Wisconsin, where Dave played. More on that experience later. (in short: concert fuckin' awesome, crowd bunkass)
But i reckon that the 'ol Goat should get his nightly beauty rest, since he's not had much in awhile, and could likely scare all sorts of girls away (which doesn't help when the Goat's single!). Plus, i hear tell that the Goat has some wicked cold that he cought out at WE Fest, so he's gonna have to nurse that... or else face the wrath of some evil shit, since he can't shake colds in the summer/autumn season too well. :(
I'll pop in sometime in the next day or so and tell a bit more about the trip. Until then, have a wonderful Monday night, and dream of good times spent with good friends.
8.03.2004
Although i'm so awfully tired, i just had to write. Perhaps that - and the thought of a forthcoming package from SLC! - is what i needed today to get back into reality. Almost twelve hours coding will zonk a person out, believe you me.
Anyways, here goes. I'm off to bed, to score some proverbial beauty rest. Although goats are often sexy creatures, they too should get their rest, you see... lest they become onery. Have a pleasant night, reader, and we'll see each other soon.
---------------------------------------------
moonlight fading
8/3/04
my mother’s eyes tell the truth
as she spins the blue moon’s tale
dreams tightly clasped within its light
energy carried into forever
and she hands down the legend
of how it gathers your energy
when finally leaving the night
a rare event, but twice a year
although I see her truth
and hear the positive message,
something else lingers within me,
lit by the dull nothinglight
of my worrisome conscience –
would this celestial rarity take everything?
could it dare steal the essence of me
and push off into the night,
triumphant charcoal flags of death
raised high for all to see?
or would its courage get the better of it?
if I could I’d have the better moon –
I’d surrender my thoughts
let it carry them across the stars
and deliver as a whisper my dreams
on a soft evening breeze
Anyways, here goes. I'm off to bed, to score some proverbial beauty rest. Although goats are often sexy creatures, they too should get their rest, you see... lest they become onery. Have a pleasant night, reader, and we'll see each other soon.
---------------------------------------------
moonlight fading
8/3/04
my mother’s eyes tell the truth
as she spins the blue moon’s tale
dreams tightly clasped within its light
energy carried into forever
and she hands down the legend
of how it gathers your energy
when finally leaving the night
a rare event, but twice a year
although I see her truth
and hear the positive message,
something else lingers within me,
lit by the dull nothinglight
of my worrisome conscience –
would this celestial rarity take everything?
could it dare steal the essence of me
and push off into the night,
triumphant charcoal flags of death
raised high for all to see?
or would its courage get the better of it?
if I could I’d have the better moon –
I’d surrender my thoughts
let it carry them across the stars
and deliver as a whisper my dreams
on a soft evening breeze
I am the fuckin' shit, dude... i so just got ninja on c#'s ass and busted up some phatty code poetry, man. For all you coders out there, i couldn't get an ESRI ActiveX-based MapControl to host inside of an Infragistics-provided DockableControlPane control. In short, it seemed like it was a problem activating a System.Windows.Forms.ContainerControl. Or something to the effect of it. (it's complicated, but if anyone ever has a problem like this and would like to see the resolution let me know).
See, the mapcontrol derives from AxHost. This class has an Activate method which likely calls Activate on the embedded activex control, but also seems to call Activate on the AxHost.ContainerControl object. Generally that's a Windows Form, but for various reasons I couldn't have my mapcontrol hooked to a Form like that. Hence, when DockableControlPane would invoke the AxHost.Activate() method, it would try and activate its containercontrol, but oops, shit, if it's null, it'll throw a nice ArgumentException. Alas.
Well, UserControl to the rescue! I just built my own, since it derives from ContainerControl, and dropped a MapControl onto it. Then addded the UserControl to my DockableControlPane. Bickety-bam, the proverbial motherfucker is rubble.
Whew. It feels nice when you figure out a problem you've been freaking out about for two weeks at work. :)
Peace, reader.
See, the mapcontrol derives from AxHost. This class has an Activate method which likely calls Activate on the embedded activex control, but also seems to call Activate on the AxHost.ContainerControl object. Generally that's a Windows Form, but for various reasons I couldn't have my mapcontrol hooked to a Form like that. Hence, when DockableControlPane would invoke the AxHost.Activate() method, it would try and activate its containercontrol, but oops, shit, if it's null, it'll throw a nice ArgumentException. Alas.
Well, UserControl to the rescue! I just built my own, since it derives from ContainerControl, and dropped a MapControl onto it. Then addded the UserControl to my DockableControlPane. Bickety-bam, the proverbial motherfucker is rubble.
Whew. It feels nice when you figure out a problem you've been freaking out about for two weeks at work. :)
Peace, reader.
8.01.2004
Word up, homies! Yo yo yo, DJ Goat in the hiz-ouse!
... right. I should just stick to being a hick, ah reckon, than one of them thar rappers. :)
Anyways, my day was pretty cool, and i do hope yours was too, reader. I didn't do much of anything too eventful, aside from go over to the folks' place for my stepmom's birthday - and talk with zan for awhile too, which was awesome as always - and chill with Brianne for a bit tonight, too. So i guess i did keep busy, but it was relaxing, too, and ultimately fulfilling. In some ways, the perfect Sunday.
I had intended on simply popping in before bed to wish you a happy Sunday evening and a wonderful start tomorrow morning. Alas, I decided to - for whatever reason - peek at my old profile on Yahoo! Personals. Back in December 2002 I decided it would be cool to meet some new people around town, particularly a new girl, if I could do such a thing (traditionally it's a royal bitch for me to meet girls, especially awesome ones). Now, I had always been quite opposed to the idea of meeting dates online, but i figured what the fuck, what have I to lose? Surprisingly it worked! A month later I was dating "Elizabeth", my last girlfriend. A few other girls expressed interest in dating, but i was already off the market, so to speak, so i didn't give them much thought.
And, in reality, i'm still not... since from what i could tell they weren't quite Goat material. It takes a special girl, dude - maybe because i'm just so, well, special. :) Anyways, a moment ago I went and looked at my old Yahoo! profile, out of simple curiosity. Here's what I had to say about my goat-self, back in late 2002:
"...I'm not the average dude who just got out of college and is starting a life of his own - and searching for someone to share it with. I've got my head on straight, I know what I want in life, and I'm not afraid to go and find it. But for me, what I want in life isn't just to climb the corporate ladder or constantly party, like, well, my freshman year at college! It's simply to be happy and to meet someone that's totally unique. Happiness for me comes from both the big and the small - from hearing a song on the radio that takes you back, like some Pumpkins or some DMB, to stargazing, mountain biking, or just kicking back with a cold one and watching Lord of the Rings. Happiness is taking a weekend off to see Radiohead with three of your best friends. And it's the thrill of meeting someone new and feeling that deep and amazing click of a connection. They're some of the things I live and breathe for, and I'd love to meet a girl that feels as passionate about life as I do and isn't afraid to be herself. A girl that won't hesitate to open up and connect, constantly teaching, enriching, and making life all the more awesome through the balance created between us. Oh, and she'd be all the cooler if she enjoyed keeping healthy and active (but wouldn't mind lazy Sundays filled with movies!) and was someone who felt as passionate about music as I do. Does this make me different from other guys my age? Sometimes I wonder... but being a little different isn't so bad! "
While most of that isn't that profound, really - just the basic, run-of-the-mill stuff i'm looking for, what surprised me is how close that still is to the kind of girl i'd love to be with. I thought after dating Elizabeth that, if nothing else, i had a stronger conception of who i'd like to share my life with. And in some ways i do, but at the root still lies what I pasted above - and i've always known it. I think that during the six months i was with her that i simply forgot most of it, and didn't much realize the kind of relationship I truly wanted, and in some ways deserve.
You're probably asking, so what, dude, that's what every guy wants. Yeah, probably, i'm sure most guys do - i'd think so, at least. So why even bring it up? Again, you got me! :) Just one of those silly little things that caught my eye and made me go, wow, man, i still feel like that. Kinda like when you don't eat something for about eight years, like smores, and go, holy fuck, those are good - just like i remember! and you sit back wondering why you forgot that they tasted so good in the first place.
Go out and make some smores, guys. Seize the day, get up your courage, and go find your lobster! The person that's totally yours in the world, the one you can spend the rest of your life with. (note the obscure Friends reference there, with the "lobster")
Anywho, enough of my bantering! Have a content and restful Sunday night, reader, and sweet dreams.
... right. I should just stick to being a hick, ah reckon, than one of them thar rappers. :)
Anyways, my day was pretty cool, and i do hope yours was too, reader. I didn't do much of anything too eventful, aside from go over to the folks' place for my stepmom's birthday - and talk with zan for awhile too, which was awesome as always - and chill with Brianne for a bit tonight, too. So i guess i did keep busy, but it was relaxing, too, and ultimately fulfilling. In some ways, the perfect Sunday.
I had intended on simply popping in before bed to wish you a happy Sunday evening and a wonderful start tomorrow morning. Alas, I decided to - for whatever reason - peek at my old profile on Yahoo! Personals. Back in December 2002 I decided it would be cool to meet some new people around town, particularly a new girl, if I could do such a thing (traditionally it's a royal bitch for me to meet girls, especially awesome ones). Now, I had always been quite opposed to the idea of meeting dates online, but i figured what the fuck, what have I to lose? Surprisingly it worked! A month later I was dating "Elizabeth", my last girlfriend. A few other girls expressed interest in dating, but i was already off the market, so to speak, so i didn't give them much thought.
And, in reality, i'm still not... since from what i could tell they weren't quite Goat material. It takes a special girl, dude - maybe because i'm just so, well, special. :) Anyways, a moment ago I went and looked at my old Yahoo! profile, out of simple curiosity. Here's what I had to say about my goat-self, back in late 2002:
"...I'm not the average dude who just got out of college and is starting a life of his own - and searching for someone to share it with. I've got my head on straight, I know what I want in life, and I'm not afraid to go and find it. But for me, what I want in life isn't just to climb the corporate ladder or constantly party, like, well, my freshman year at college! It's simply to be happy and to meet someone that's totally unique. Happiness for me comes from both the big and the small - from hearing a song on the radio that takes you back, like some Pumpkins or some DMB, to stargazing, mountain biking, or just kicking back with a cold one and watching Lord of the Rings. Happiness is taking a weekend off to see Radiohead with three of your best friends. And it's the thrill of meeting someone new and feeling that deep and amazing click of a connection. They're some of the things I live and breathe for, and I'd love to meet a girl that feels as passionate about life as I do and isn't afraid to be herself. A girl that won't hesitate to open up and connect, constantly teaching, enriching, and making life all the more awesome through the balance created between us. Oh, and she'd be all the cooler if she enjoyed keeping healthy and active (but wouldn't mind lazy Sundays filled with movies!) and was someone who felt as passionate about music as I do. Does this make me different from other guys my age? Sometimes I wonder... but being a little different isn't so bad! "
While most of that isn't that profound, really - just the basic, run-of-the-mill stuff i'm looking for, what surprised me is how close that still is to the kind of girl i'd love to be with. I thought after dating Elizabeth that, if nothing else, i had a stronger conception of who i'd like to share my life with. And in some ways i do, but at the root still lies what I pasted above - and i've always known it. I think that during the six months i was with her that i simply forgot most of it, and didn't much realize the kind of relationship I truly wanted, and in some ways deserve.
You're probably asking, so what, dude, that's what every guy wants. Yeah, probably, i'm sure most guys do - i'd think so, at least. So why even bring it up? Again, you got me! :) Just one of those silly little things that caught my eye and made me go, wow, man, i still feel like that. Kinda like when you don't eat something for about eight years, like smores, and go, holy fuck, those are good - just like i remember! and you sit back wondering why you forgot that they tasted so good in the first place.
Go out and make some smores, guys. Seize the day, get up your courage, and go find your lobster! The person that's totally yours in the world, the one you can spend the rest of your life with. (note the obscure Friends reference there, with the "lobster")
Anywho, enough of my bantering! Have a content and restful Sunday night, reader, and sweet dreams.
Cell phones suck sometimes, dude. Mine was just fucking flipping out on me a moment ago, whilst talking with Zan - it kept shutting itself off. Although likely Cell One's attempt at telling me "bitch, stop using so much free long distance!", it still sucks, cause i was having an awesome conversation tonight. Who knows, maybe the thing was getting overheated, too, but all it would say is
Kyocera... Goodbye
and then when i'd try to turn it on, it'd go
Phone is charging
PHONE IS OFF
and i was just like, fuck you man, i don't want you to be off, bitch, i want you on! I don't care if you're charging!
Alas... all good things are meant to come to an end sometime, i suppose. It just sucks when it's during the middle of an awesome conversation! Have a stellar night, reader, and sleep tight. And may you wake with smiles tomorrow.
Kyocera... Goodbye
and then when i'd try to turn it on, it'd go
Phone is charging
PHONE IS OFF
and i was just like, fuck you man, i don't want you to be off, bitch, i want you on! I don't care if you're charging!
Alas... all good things are meant to come to an end sometime, i suppose. It just sucks when it's during the middle of an awesome conversation! Have a stellar night, reader, and sleep tight. And may you wake with smiles tomorrow.
7.29.2004
Hola! I just decided to write another poem, so here goes! It feels to me like it's incomplete, but hey, perhaps that's just because i'm a) fuckin tired and can't think straight anymore, or b) because it's so awfully hard for me to consider something complete in the first place. Alas. I'm sure i'll work on it more someday, especially if i ever try to compile these things and - gasp! - publish some stuff. The Goat's not entirely too sure if he could pull that one off, but hey, some folks think it's okay, so maybe they see something i don't. :) Either way, i have a blast doing it, so it's all good regardless.
I rarely explain my poetry to people - i much rather they simply let it speak to them in its own way, for each individual - but i will say this: I found myself out at Double Ditch with a friend of mine last night, and for some reason it was quite a spiritual experience... likely because of the energy of the place, and the stars being out and what not, and often when I find myself dropped into an unexpected spiritual "whoa" type of thing, one that lasts for a good while, i start reflecting inwardly on stuff. And, should i harness those feelings, i can usually crank out a poem or two or something like that. (as an aside, i have a really hard time just writing poetry or short stuff unless i have a profound - or semi profound - spiritual experience to draw off of..)
So anyways, without further ado, here's my latest bantering. Hopefully you had an excellent day, reader. Sleep well tonight, and stay warm - it might be a chilly one tonight, but there's plenty more warm days ahead.
---------------------------------
Travelers
7/29/04
night comes and so begins
the wandering
aimless in the witching hour
I reach the land’s edge and feel
elements melting into heavier stuff
dark water, crisp sky, heavy brushstrokes of cloud
in a tango with the spirits
all beneath the spotlight beam of a bloated moon
the dance captures me
compels me to pause, blind and lost
tricks me into reflection
and I ask, pause with me too
don’t leave me alone
return to yesterday for a limited time–
come back with me to this place we know
we’re just two souls living in divided time
a million miles apart
but here we can be one –
‘cause the same fat moon I see
shines down everywhere
casting its beam on our smiles and tears
lighting our eyes, firing our dreams
and blending us together
if even for
a single limited eternity
I rarely explain my poetry to people - i much rather they simply let it speak to them in its own way, for each individual - but i will say this: I found myself out at Double Ditch with a friend of mine last night, and for some reason it was quite a spiritual experience... likely because of the energy of the place, and the stars being out and what not, and often when I find myself dropped into an unexpected spiritual "whoa" type of thing, one that lasts for a good while, i start reflecting inwardly on stuff. And, should i harness those feelings, i can usually crank out a poem or two or something like that. (as an aside, i have a really hard time just writing poetry or short stuff unless i have a profound - or semi profound - spiritual experience to draw off of..)
So anyways, without further ado, here's my latest bantering. Hopefully you had an excellent day, reader. Sleep well tonight, and stay warm - it might be a chilly one tonight, but there's plenty more warm days ahead.
---------------------------------
Travelers
7/29/04
night comes and so begins
the wandering
aimless in the witching hour
I reach the land’s edge and feel
elements melting into heavier stuff
dark water, crisp sky, heavy brushstrokes of cloud
in a tango with the spirits
all beneath the spotlight beam of a bloated moon
the dance captures me
compels me to pause, blind and lost
tricks me into reflection
and I ask, pause with me too
don’t leave me alone
return to yesterday for a limited time–
come back with me to this place we know
we’re just two souls living in divided time
a million miles apart
but here we can be one –
‘cause the same fat moon I see
shines down everywhere
casting its beam on our smiles and tears
lighting our eyes, firing our dreams
and blending us together
if even for
a single limited eternity
7.26.2004
I guess tonight is crazyass poem-writin' Monday. I reckon i rather like this'un, and I hope ya'll do, too.
Being creative kicks ass. Many thanks to Zan and Kris for somehow helping me to realize what i've been missing out on for so long. You guys simply kick ass. :)
Peace, reader, and have a night filled with pleasant dreams.
-----------------------------
Endless
7/26/04
it’s coming –
soon, but not now –
yet we feel it – you and I, the birds, trees, and even those fierce clouds
that scurry over us at night and recklessly explode
they tell me I’m alive
and we feel the imminent winter
night falls and its compelling story beckons softly
folds me into its last secret summer pages
and I walk the late hours,
still leaves above me forming a natural mesh
between the open night and my love, the stars
that dance between my eyes and the canopy blanket
as it moves, shifts, dances to a sad tune
remembered long ago
my head next to hers
the scent of her hair playful, subtle
endless fragrance of the world
wrapped up tight, tucked in, underneath the blanket
that holds me tonight
between those heavy pages of existence
but tales pause, sometimes even end, and I know
I must revisit my different story
the life of hidden stars and the music of steel
an epic of little green, black streets, and few dreams,
all simple vanilla nothingness
printed on rice-paper pages
so easily torn
but I’ll pause for a bit
because there’s no need to go home
when tonight will last forever
Being creative kicks ass. Many thanks to Zan and Kris for somehow helping me to realize what i've been missing out on for so long. You guys simply kick ass. :)
Peace, reader, and have a night filled with pleasant dreams.
-----------------------------
Endless
7/26/04
it’s coming –
soon, but not now –
yet we feel it – you and I, the birds, trees, and even those fierce clouds
that scurry over us at night and recklessly explode
they tell me I’m alive
and we feel the imminent winter
night falls and its compelling story beckons softly
folds me into its last secret summer pages
and I walk the late hours,
still leaves above me forming a natural mesh
between the open night and my love, the stars
that dance between my eyes and the canopy blanket
as it moves, shifts, dances to a sad tune
remembered long ago
my head next to hers
the scent of her hair playful, subtle
endless fragrance of the world
wrapped up tight, tucked in, underneath the blanket
that holds me tonight
between those heavy pages of existence
but tales pause, sometimes even end, and I know
I must revisit my different story
the life of hidden stars and the music of steel
an epic of little green, black streets, and few dreams,
all simple vanilla nothingness
printed on rice-paper pages
so easily torn
but I’ll pause for a bit
because there’s no need to go home
when tonight will last forever
7.24.2004
Hey!
The goat's back, fueled by some lovely General Mills cereal tastiness, and by an extreme lack of sleep! Not only that, i'm rockin at fucking eight in the morning on a Saturday (when I really ought to be sleeping) jamming out to one of my mix CDs. It's seriously all about mixing up songs, dude. While i've made better mixes, i like this particular one since it takes the listener (me, mostly - although the Lobster, i know, has the disc as well) on a bit of ride. Not necessarily the cliched "emotional rollercoaster" but a simple journey, if nothing else. It's definately traveling music - music for the nights where the call of the road is simply to strong to ignore, the fragrance of the air simply too rich to withstand, the song of night simply too sweet to resist.
Songs I Adore, Volume 1
The Smashing Pumpkins - The Everlasting Gaze
Rush - Vapor Trail
The Smashing Pumpkins - Stand Inside Your Love
Live - Run to the Water
Radiohead - Let Down
Dave Matthews Band - Lie In Our Graves
Dave Matthews Band - Where are you Going
David Gray - Say Hello Wave Goodbye
Afro Celt Sound System - Persistence of Memory
Radiohead - Lucky
Radiohead - Subterranean Homesick Alien
Loreena McKennitt - Night Ride Across the Caucasus
Dave Matthews Band - Grace is Gone
Apocalyptica - Oh Holy Night
I do that on almost all of my mixes, aside from discs used for spin class or other exercising - and parties. If i can successfully turn the action of basic listening and enjoyment of the songs into a journey through the listener's life and ultimately inner self, I feel like, well, it's a kick-ass mix.
This one will no doubt take me on a nice, well-needed journey this morning.
I feel like the past few weeks have been so fucking messed up. I talked with my close friend the Lobster the other day, and I more or less said, dude, my chi has done a complete 180. From parting ways with my girlfriend to meeting a local girl that is really grooving on me to being away from some pretty important people in my life, things have been crazy.
My ex girlfriend and I were together for over six months, and although we didn't do a whole lot ... on a few levels ... that's a substantial chunk of time. One invests a lot into a relationship, especially one that you're continuously trying to salvage, so when it ended i was left feeling a bit empty. The best way I could describe the feeling was like getting off of a plane, alone, that you thought was bound for someplace you know - let's say SLC,- but end up in some cracked-out place like Tahiti. While Tahiti would be pretty sweet, all things considered, it's no SLC. Likely devoid of such familar things like statues of the angel Moroni and Wal-Marts, it would offer all sorts of new experiences. However, you're by yourself.
Then, while dealing with the adjustment of being single, bam! Nic and Nicole take it upon themselves to try and set me up with this friend of theirs, not a few days after the breakup. I have to hand it to them, i suppose, for thinking of me and trying to find me someone, but this one just isn't my dig, to put it right out there. She's fun, don't get me wrong, but having a friend one can go out with once and awhile is one thing, but a relationship is a whole 'nother bear, reader. The situation is a bit more complicated, too, because she's so awfully into me. Like, to the point of being possessive of me when we're out on the town. One of the servers at the restaurant/bar we dropped into last night was digging on me, too, and was flirting like it was going out of style. To be true, she actually really offended me by making fun of my name (i'm sure she thought it was playful, given the context of everything else, but dude.... that's not cool, man), but that's not the primary point. The deal is, man, she was being a total spaz about this. And goat's aren't generally used to that. Alas, the furry creatures are used to people trusting them, for they're fairly placid creatures. They may bleat occasionally if annoyed or provoked, but most of the time they simply keep to themselves, muching on tin cans and shoelaces and such.
So when said girl starts raising concerns about how many girl friends i have, i'm just like, whoa. Yes, i admit, a good portion of my friends are girls - perhaps more than half - but what's wrong with that? I guess it befuddles me that someone wouldn't trust me. Of course, on the flip side, i've caught lots of shit from some friends and family for being too trusting myself, so maybe this is an all-around issue: thinking that people are inherently good, pure, and trusting. The older and older i get, the more i realise that's not the complete truth, and it doesn't piss me off - it disappoints me.
Plus, she's older than me. While being older isn't a big deal, sometimes, she's old enough that there's a big difference in what we've both experienced in life. Hers has been way more wild than mine, mostly the "bad" side of wild, and mine has been nothing short of, well, good. I've had my share of ups and downs - the Black Summer of 2002, for example, and some interesting childhood memories from back at that thar mo-bile home park i grew up in - but when i look back on my life, it's been lots of fun, and for the most part, good.
I could go on and on about why her and I simpy wouldn't work in the long term, but even before all that stuff lies a basic, important fact: I just don't feel the same way about her that she does for me. With her I've never felt that deep, resonant click of a new connection. That's important to me! Perhaps i'm a bit weird, but that's something that I look for. I'm a bit of a believer in connections and this nebulous thing I call "the path" or "the flow." If something isn't in the path, or the flow of things, it can register a bit negatively. Because deep down I know it's not meant to be, for some reason. That doesn't necessarily mean we can't learn from experiences or take some positives away from the messes we deal with from time to time, but the real stuff, the true stuff - I know deep-down if it's mean to be, and if it's not, I'll move along, along the path.
Sometimes, though, the path gets blocked and you need to take a detour. With not much effort I can look back with impeccable hindsight and see where I veered off course. There are times where this is almost necessary - required if for no other reason than to keep your sanity. However, there are just as many times where veering off course isn't the best idea, and you know it when you do it. Right now, i'm struggling a bit to get back onto the path, although i almost always let the flow take me where it will.
Perhaps this slight stray from my normal course is in the plan, and it's meant to teach me something. Not the ex/gf breakup thing, but the other girl, the one who wants me but i really don't. What will this teach me? What will it show me, about myself, and others? What will it help me do?
So many questions! Too bad there's noone I can ask, noone I can call for a quick fix. These issues aren't quickly patched, though, with a little plaster or nail-hole filler. No, these can be full replace-the-drywall jobs, because afterwards, you come out a bit newer, a bit stronger. And they're things you need to ultimately do yourself, with no free Home Depot course to show you the way. But in the big picture of life, this will probably be just a tiny bump in the road, an experience that if nothing else taught me a little bit more about who I am.
Fuck - it feels like the SLC experience took my soul and amplified it by a thousand times, like someone unscrewed a tiny christmas light from it and rammed in a concert-grade spotlight. This whole summer has brought me back so much to myself, and reminded me of who I was. While dating my ex girlfriend I lost a bit of that - let myself forget who i was, in a way. I'm glad it's back.
Damn... i should stop writing! I know you're saddened, reader, but today's a big day! This afternoon is our company picnic, which i had the pleasure of planning myself. This requires a bit of coordination - as there are about 130 people showing up - so I should go tend to that, and other errands I must run. Until we speak again, have a wonderful Saturday filled with smiles.
The goat's back, fueled by some lovely General Mills cereal tastiness, and by an extreme lack of sleep! Not only that, i'm rockin at fucking eight in the morning on a Saturday (when I really ought to be sleeping) jamming out to one of my mix CDs. It's seriously all about mixing up songs, dude. While i've made better mixes, i like this particular one since it takes the listener (me, mostly - although the Lobster, i know, has the disc as well) on a bit of ride. Not necessarily the cliched "emotional rollercoaster" but a simple journey, if nothing else. It's definately traveling music - music for the nights where the call of the road is simply to strong to ignore, the fragrance of the air simply too rich to withstand, the song of night simply too sweet to resist.
Songs I Adore, Volume 1
The Smashing Pumpkins - The Everlasting Gaze
Rush - Vapor Trail
The Smashing Pumpkins - Stand Inside Your Love
Live - Run to the Water
Radiohead - Let Down
Dave Matthews Band - Lie In Our Graves
Dave Matthews Band - Where are you Going
David Gray - Say Hello Wave Goodbye
Afro Celt Sound System - Persistence of Memory
Radiohead - Lucky
Radiohead - Subterranean Homesick Alien
Loreena McKennitt - Night Ride Across the Caucasus
Dave Matthews Band - Grace is Gone
Apocalyptica - Oh Holy Night
I do that on almost all of my mixes, aside from discs used for spin class or other exercising - and parties. If i can successfully turn the action of basic listening and enjoyment of the songs into a journey through the listener's life and ultimately inner self, I feel like, well, it's a kick-ass mix.
This one will no doubt take me on a nice, well-needed journey this morning.
I feel like the past few weeks have been so fucking messed up. I talked with my close friend the Lobster the other day, and I more or less said, dude, my chi has done a complete 180. From parting ways with my girlfriend to meeting a local girl that is really grooving on me to being away from some pretty important people in my life, things have been crazy.
My ex girlfriend and I were together for over six months, and although we didn't do a whole lot ... on a few levels ... that's a substantial chunk of time. One invests a lot into a relationship, especially one that you're continuously trying to salvage, so when it ended i was left feeling a bit empty. The best way I could describe the feeling was like getting off of a plane, alone, that you thought was bound for someplace you know - let's say SLC,- but end up in some cracked-out place like Tahiti. While Tahiti would be pretty sweet, all things considered, it's no SLC. Likely devoid of such familar things like statues of the angel Moroni and Wal-Marts, it would offer all sorts of new experiences. However, you're by yourself.
Then, while dealing with the adjustment of being single, bam! Nic and Nicole take it upon themselves to try and set me up with this friend of theirs, not a few days after the breakup. I have to hand it to them, i suppose, for thinking of me and trying to find me someone, but this one just isn't my dig, to put it right out there. She's fun, don't get me wrong, but having a friend one can go out with once and awhile is one thing, but a relationship is a whole 'nother bear, reader. The situation is a bit more complicated, too, because she's so awfully into me. Like, to the point of being possessive of me when we're out on the town. One of the servers at the restaurant/bar we dropped into last night was digging on me, too, and was flirting like it was going out of style. To be true, she actually really offended me by making fun of my name (i'm sure she thought it was playful, given the context of everything else, but dude.... that's not cool, man), but that's not the primary point. The deal is, man, she was being a total spaz about this. And goat's aren't generally used to that. Alas, the furry creatures are used to people trusting them, for they're fairly placid creatures. They may bleat occasionally if annoyed or provoked, but most of the time they simply keep to themselves, muching on tin cans and shoelaces and such.
So when said girl starts raising concerns about how many girl friends i have, i'm just like, whoa. Yes, i admit, a good portion of my friends are girls - perhaps more than half - but what's wrong with that? I guess it befuddles me that someone wouldn't trust me. Of course, on the flip side, i've caught lots of shit from some friends and family for being too trusting myself, so maybe this is an all-around issue: thinking that people are inherently good, pure, and trusting. The older and older i get, the more i realise that's not the complete truth, and it doesn't piss me off - it disappoints me.
Plus, she's older than me. While being older isn't a big deal, sometimes, she's old enough that there's a big difference in what we've both experienced in life. Hers has been way more wild than mine, mostly the "bad" side of wild, and mine has been nothing short of, well, good. I've had my share of ups and downs - the Black Summer of 2002, for example, and some interesting childhood memories from back at that thar mo-bile home park i grew up in - but when i look back on my life, it's been lots of fun, and for the most part, good.
I could go on and on about why her and I simpy wouldn't work in the long term, but even before all that stuff lies a basic, important fact: I just don't feel the same way about her that she does for me. With her I've never felt that deep, resonant click of a new connection. That's important to me! Perhaps i'm a bit weird, but that's something that I look for. I'm a bit of a believer in connections and this nebulous thing I call "the path" or "the flow." If something isn't in the path, or the flow of things, it can register a bit negatively. Because deep down I know it's not meant to be, for some reason. That doesn't necessarily mean we can't learn from experiences or take some positives away from the messes we deal with from time to time, but the real stuff, the true stuff - I know deep-down if it's mean to be, and if it's not, I'll move along, along the path.
Sometimes, though, the path gets blocked and you need to take a detour. With not much effort I can look back with impeccable hindsight and see where I veered off course. There are times where this is almost necessary - required if for no other reason than to keep your sanity. However, there are just as many times where veering off course isn't the best idea, and you know it when you do it. Right now, i'm struggling a bit to get back onto the path, although i almost always let the flow take me where it will.
Perhaps this slight stray from my normal course is in the plan, and it's meant to teach me something. Not the ex/gf breakup thing, but the other girl, the one who wants me but i really don't. What will this teach me? What will it show me, about myself, and others? What will it help me do?
So many questions! Too bad there's noone I can ask, noone I can call for a quick fix. These issues aren't quickly patched, though, with a little plaster or nail-hole filler. No, these can be full replace-the-drywall jobs, because afterwards, you come out a bit newer, a bit stronger. And they're things you need to ultimately do yourself, with no free Home Depot course to show you the way. But in the big picture of life, this will probably be just a tiny bump in the road, an experience that if nothing else taught me a little bit more about who I am.
Fuck - it feels like the SLC experience took my soul and amplified it by a thousand times, like someone unscrewed a tiny christmas light from it and rammed in a concert-grade spotlight. This whole summer has brought me back so much to myself, and reminded me of who I was. While dating my ex girlfriend I lost a bit of that - let myself forget who i was, in a way. I'm glad it's back.
Damn... i should stop writing! I know you're saddened, reader, but today's a big day! This afternoon is our company picnic, which i had the pleasure of planning myself. This requires a bit of coordination - as there are about 130 people showing up - so I should go tend to that, and other errands I must run. Until we speak again, have a wonderful Saturday filled with smiles.
I'm seriously going to come back and write this morning... because I need to, but... yeah, ah, i'm fucking starving. Let me go quickly pound down some honey nut cheerios, the mother of all cereals, and then come back. Goats write better after being fed their breakfast. :) They also can get awfully creative (ie "special") when running on a bit of sleep deprivation, which is the case right now - so I'll divulge my latest happenings soon, perhaps in a fairly creative and interesting way. Or not. Either way, i'm comin' back!
7.18.2004
Wow... so i might be a new homeowner within a day or two! I put in an offer today for a home in Mandan, ND; a nice 4-bedroom, 1 and 3/4 bath unit complete with fairly-new Frigidaire Gallery appliances and a whirlpool bathtub (boo-ya! hehe). Built in 1995 and topping out at an amazing 2260 square feet, it ought to be quite the nice Goat pad.
Not to mention it has vaulted cielings and a two-stall garage. Hells yeah!
You have no idea how nervous i am. This is insanity, pure and true.
Hope you sleep well tonight! Who knows if i will... :)
Not to mention it has vaulted cielings and a two-stall garage. Hells yeah!
You have no idea how nervous i am. This is insanity, pure and true.
Hope you sleep well tonight! Who knows if i will... :)
7.17.2004
After reading those song lyrics, So Many Roads, that's really all i want, man - the road that takes me home. The road that takes me to my core, to the center of who i am and what i will be, what i can become. The road that takes me to the one I love, the true girl that loves me - the road to the girl that I can learn from and live life with and that will be my inspiration to be something better, to be someone greater than myself, yet still myself, a basic extension, or extrapolation of what i can be.
I want to find a road to the future. A road that leads me back home, to the home I always knew existed, and do know exists - the home within my self, my spirit, my special place. My cave, if you will (for those Fight Club junkies) - and there i shall find my power animal. That animal isn't a penguin, but a Goat, myself, really - yet still a penguin. A pineapple-loving penguin who has fur and bleats and loves Killian's Irish Red and loves spending time with friends and has a soft spot for nice, fun girls ... that also feeds off the engery of an array of exciting things like concerts and long-distance-yet-somehow-oddly-transcendant connections.
I want to find that road home. How can I? How can I be courageous enough to tune into what I know is myself? How can I leap from the diving board into the absolute unknown, and take an ultimate risk, all the while knowing what the outcome will be - pure success. How can I make that choice? The choice to drive towards happiness, to take exit 1-A, the exit that will indeed lead me to love, contentment, understanding - fuckin' learning and growth, man - when I don't know what the road entails? Or how to even find exit 1-A, for Christ's sake. I don't know where it is, and i know there's no map to guide me.
I must really become my own cartographer, a peice of paper upon which I can chart my course. But it's so awfully hard picking up the pen. It becomes even harder knowing exactly what to draw, what exact course you must illustrate.
All i ask for is the courage to find my road home.
Sleep well tonight, and dream of that special person you love, the person who's captivated your heart - the person you see at night, the one you connect with in the night, subconsciously, reaching out, seeking that road... the one that leads home.
I want to find a road to the future. A road that leads me back home, to the home I always knew existed, and do know exists - the home within my self, my spirit, my special place. My cave, if you will (for those Fight Club junkies) - and there i shall find my power animal. That animal isn't a penguin, but a Goat, myself, really - yet still a penguin. A pineapple-loving penguin who has fur and bleats and loves Killian's Irish Red and loves spending time with friends and has a soft spot for nice, fun girls ... that also feeds off the engery of an array of exciting things like concerts and long-distance-yet-somehow-oddly-transcendant connections.
I want to find that road home. How can I? How can I be courageous enough to tune into what I know is myself? How can I leap from the diving board into the absolute unknown, and take an ultimate risk, all the while knowing what the outcome will be - pure success. How can I make that choice? The choice to drive towards happiness, to take exit 1-A, the exit that will indeed lead me to love, contentment, understanding - fuckin' learning and growth, man - when I don't know what the road entails? Or how to even find exit 1-A, for Christ's sake. I don't know where it is, and i know there's no map to guide me.
I must really become my own cartographer, a peice of paper upon which I can chart my course. But it's so awfully hard picking up the pen. It becomes even harder knowing exactly what to draw, what exact course you must illustrate.
All i ask for is the courage to find my road home.
Sleep well tonight, and dream of that special person you love, the person who's captivated your heart - the person you see at night, the one you connect with in the night, subconsciously, reaching out, seeking that road... the one that leads home.
7.16.2004
Yeah... i know, song lyrics posted as blog entries can be somewhat lame, but hey - it's a cool song! Aren't they all? :) But for me to post lyrics it really does have to be a special tune. Check it out.
Back to work with me! Peace.
The Grateful Dead - So Many Roads
Thought I heard a blackbird singin'
up on Bluebird Hill
Call me a whinin' boy if you will
Born where the sun don't shine
and I don't deny my name
Got no place to go, ain't that a shame?
Thought I heard that KC whistle
moanin' sweet & low
Thought I heard that KC when she blow
Down where the sun don't shine
Underneath the Kokomo
Whinin' boy -- got no place else to go
So many roads I tell you
So many roads I know
So many roads --
so many roads --
Mountain high, river wide
So many roads to ride
So many roads
So many roads
Thought I heard a jug band playin
'"If you don't -- who else will?"
from over on the far side of the hill
All I know the sun don't shine,
the rain refuse to fall
and you don't seem to hear me when I call
Wind inside & the wind outside
Tangled in the window blind
Tell me why you treat me so unkind
Down where the sun don't shine
Lonely and I call your name
No place left to go, ain't that a shame?
So many roads I tell you
New York to San Francisco
All I want is one to take me home
From the high road to the low
So many roads I know
So many roads - So many roads
From the land of the midnight sun
where ice blue roses grow'
long those roads of gold and silver snow
Howlin' wide or moanin low
So many roads I know
So many roads to ease my soul
Back to work with me! Peace.
The Grateful Dead - So Many Roads
Thought I heard a blackbird singin'
up on Bluebird Hill
Call me a whinin' boy if you will
Born where the sun don't shine
and I don't deny my name
Got no place to go, ain't that a shame?
Thought I heard that KC whistle
moanin' sweet & low
Thought I heard that KC when she blow
Down where the sun don't shine
Underneath the Kokomo
Whinin' boy -- got no place else to go
So many roads I tell you
So many roads I know
So many roads --
so many roads --
Mountain high, river wide
So many roads to ride
So many roads
So many roads
Thought I heard a jug band playin
'"If you don't -- who else will?"
from over on the far side of the hill
All I know the sun don't shine,
the rain refuse to fall
and you don't seem to hear me when I call
Wind inside & the wind outside
Tangled in the window blind
Tell me why you treat me so unkind
Down where the sun don't shine
Lonely and I call your name
No place left to go, ain't that a shame?
So many roads I tell you
New York to San Francisco
All I want is one to take me home
From the high road to the low
So many roads I know
So many roads - So many roads
From the land of the midnight sun
where ice blue roses grow'
long those roads of gold and silver snow
Howlin' wide or moanin low
So many roads I know
So many roads to ease my soul
7.15.2004
What the hell... i didn't even finish telling you what i did tonight! I'm so scatterbrained lately it's ridiculous.
After writing a letter - there's one more to go - i took a break and called Dustin (hey, my hand was tired!), and spoke to him for about an hour. Then, out of the blue, my cell rang and delivered me a cool suprise - a call from Kris! We shot the breeze for about half an hour, which was awesome, talking about all sorts of things, as we normally do. Unfortunately we don't get to talk a whole lot, but when we do chat - via email or otherwise - it totally kicks ass.
Then, after meandering upstars to fold the everfucking laundry, i found myself here, blogging away, staying up till the wee hours, past my bedtime, creating. Ain't life grand?
Time for me to sleep. And you, too. Dream well, and keep smilin'.
After writing a letter - there's one more to go - i took a break and called Dustin (hey, my hand was tired!), and spoke to him for about an hour. Then, out of the blue, my cell rang and delivered me a cool suprise - a call from Kris! We shot the breeze for about half an hour, which was awesome, talking about all sorts of things, as we normally do. Unfortunately we don't get to talk a whole lot, but when we do chat - via email or otherwise - it totally kicks ass.
Then, after meandering upstars to fold the everfucking laundry, i found myself here, blogging away, staying up till the wee hours, past my bedtime, creating. Ain't life grand?
Time for me to sleep. And you, too. Dream well, and keep smilin'.
Tonight has kicked quite a bit of ass. Although i worked for some insane length of time on a speech-enabled GPS data collection application at the office today, I came home and cooked, first off. Mind you, it wasn't some wicked five-course italian extravaganza, but it was still good (frozen ravioli with a nice tomato cream sauce). And i just love to cook; it's almost like cycling, jogging - and sometimes programming: I get into the zone and let myself go, submitting entirely to the whims of creation. Be it creating code, the written word (arguably a bit more renaissance than C# or Perl or something), or even a sleeker, sexier Goat via delectable bits of Spinning, jogging, or mountain biking, it's all a fucking trip.
After my adventure in the kitchen, i decided it was high time to write some letters. Lately i've been feeling this intense push to write, simply to fucking write anything - hence this post tonight. The SLC trip somehow lit a firecracker and shoved it up my goat-ass; ever since coming back i've had this mad jones to create like a complete tweaker.
(Incidentally this is probably related to the fact that Zan and I talked a lot about writing, making me go "wait, I used to do that once, didn't I?" and something about Kris that just makes me think of her as my (or a) Muse, it's ... an unfamiliar yet completely awesome feeling, something totally new and out of the blue ... but that's another discussion for another time.)
But have I written my ass off, like a crazed goat with a firecracker shoved in that "special place"? Alas, no. The reasons for that I'm sure are multifold, but the first one that comes to mind is the age-old excuse of "I've been working too much." There's a bit of truth to the argument, but it only holds so much weight, when you strip off all the layers of bullshit and look at it for what it is.
I've really had the time - it's simply been allocated to other matters. I've actually spent a fair amount of time with friends this week, both in person and in other ways, such as phone and email. I've talked with both Zan and Kris, as well as Dustin, and Brad, and Meri. And i've had the pleasure of seeing both of the Nics. Perhaps i've kept in contact more because I broke up with my girlfriend this past Sunday, but her and I generally didn't keep in close contact during the week simply due to our divergent work schedules. In other words, I reckon she ain't the cause.
Whatever the cause may be, it hauls to be in touch with my crew. They really are the center of who I am - besides who I uniquely am, of course - from people on the social periphery to those on the geographic sidelines, to those close spiritually, to those close physically. Dude, like down the street physical, not like Barry White physical, come on, mind out of the gutter, reader!
Anyways, so i've been spending some time keeping connected. This rocks. Alas, it's taken some time away from me that could have been spent writing. One's got to cut their losses somewhere, though, I suppose. If you're presented with a tremendous King Arthur-style buffet table full of all sorts of tasties, like tiramisu, Killian's, Guinness, Jagermeister, coconut cream pie, and smoked salmon, what in the world would you pick? They all rock, and sometimes you just have to pick one.
The world is your burrito; it's your choice whether you seize the beans or the cheese.
Okay, i have no idea what the fuck i just said.
Maybe that's my cue to hit the sack. Hopefully this made some sense tonight; this post was a bit more inwardly-reflective of others and seemed to, i dunno, come from somewhere else than the others - so hopefully it didn't totally blow. I'll cross my fingers and hope. Either way, I wish you, reader, a pleasant Thursday night. May it be everything you expected, and more.
After my adventure in the kitchen, i decided it was high time to write some letters. Lately i've been feeling this intense push to write, simply to fucking write anything - hence this post tonight. The SLC trip somehow lit a firecracker and shoved it up my goat-ass; ever since coming back i've had this mad jones to create like a complete tweaker.
(Incidentally this is probably related to the fact that Zan and I talked a lot about writing, making me go "wait, I used to do that once, didn't I?" and something about Kris that just makes me think of her as my (or a) Muse, it's ... an unfamiliar yet completely awesome feeling, something totally new and out of the blue ... but that's another discussion for another time.)
But have I written my ass off, like a crazed goat with a firecracker shoved in that "special place"? Alas, no. The reasons for that I'm sure are multifold, but the first one that comes to mind is the age-old excuse of "I've been working too much." There's a bit of truth to the argument, but it only holds so much weight, when you strip off all the layers of bullshit and look at it for what it is.
I've really had the time - it's simply been allocated to other matters. I've actually spent a fair amount of time with friends this week, both in person and in other ways, such as phone and email. I've talked with both Zan and Kris, as well as Dustin, and Brad, and Meri. And i've had the pleasure of seeing both of the Nics. Perhaps i've kept in contact more because I broke up with my girlfriend this past Sunday, but her and I generally didn't keep in close contact during the week simply due to our divergent work schedules. In other words, I reckon she ain't the cause.
Whatever the cause may be, it hauls to be in touch with my crew. They really are the center of who I am - besides who I uniquely am, of course - from people on the social periphery to those on the geographic sidelines, to those close spiritually, to those close physically. Dude, like down the street physical, not like Barry White physical, come on, mind out of the gutter, reader!
Anyways, so i've been spending some time keeping connected. This rocks. Alas, it's taken some time away from me that could have been spent writing. One's got to cut their losses somewhere, though, I suppose. If you're presented with a tremendous King Arthur-style buffet table full of all sorts of tasties, like tiramisu, Killian's, Guinness, Jagermeister, coconut cream pie, and smoked salmon, what in the world would you pick? They all rock, and sometimes you just have to pick one.
The world is your burrito; it's your choice whether you seize the beans or the cheese.
Okay, i have no idea what the fuck i just said.
Maybe that's my cue to hit the sack. Hopefully this made some sense tonight; this post was a bit more inwardly-reflective of others and seemed to, i dunno, come from somewhere else than the others - so hopefully it didn't totally blow. I'll cross my fingers and hope. Either way, I wish you, reader, a pleasant Thursday night. May it be everything you expected, and more.
7.13.2004
Hola, reader. I'm just on my way to bed here (it's far too late past my bedtime!) but I felt it prudent to pop in and, if nothing else, wish ya'll a mighty-fine day tomorrow - i reckon it'll be a spittin' good time.
k... i'll cut the hick thing, hehe. :) My luck, i'd dream of being on the farm all night or something. While appropriate given my barnyard-animal status (Goat), i'd rather dream of other things, like fast cars, girls, and concerts. Or hell, all three!
Rest assured, though, I'll likely have a wonderful night either way. And i hope you do too, reader. Dream some happy dreams and have a joyous Wednesday.
k... i'll cut the hick thing, hehe. :) My luck, i'd dream of being on the farm all night or something. While appropriate given my barnyard-animal status (Goat), i'd rather dream of other things, like fast cars, girls, and concerts. Or hell, all three!
Rest assured, though, I'll likely have a wonderful night either way. And i hope you do too, reader. Dream some happy dreams and have a joyous Wednesday.
7.11.2004
7.06.2004
From 6/29/04, in Provo, UT:
This place, this experience, is raw, surreal, almost holy. Intensely spiritual. The past few days have been an incredible journey of self-exploration and simple outward exploration, a mesh of environment and spirit. And for me, that’s powerful stuff – this is a place that’s brought me back to really who I am and where I’ve come from.
Utah stands unique among the places I’ve visited in that it’s truly a middle ground; in between the two facets of me – Bismarck Goat and California Goat – this place lies. During my entire time here this feeling has pervaded almost all of my reflective thought, but it never really came to the surface until yesterday.
Realizing that this place serves as a balancing point in my life came to me in an awfully anticlimactic way. See, like most of metropolitan America, this region is interspersed with a dash of corporate commercialism; you have your garden-variety assortment of Best Buys, Circuit Cities, Targets, Wal-Marts, and Burger Kings. This smattering of stores isn’t alone what helped me to understand the power and allure of this place, however, but just one store in particular – Big 5. In Eureka, it was one of our largest sporting goods retailers, so it was a familiar sight to me when I glimpsed it on our way to Evergreen’s, a vegan Chinese restaurant up the road in Salt Lake.
For some strange reason, simply seeing this store – and a variety of others common in Bismarck and Fargo – made me think of both my homes at the same time. It wasn’t one right after the other, but in exact harmony, a bizarre synthesis of the two – but it felt right. That’s the way this place feels to me. In many ways, on many levels, it seems natural and easy. There’s been little adjustment needed, and this city – large as it is – feels a lot like any small town you’ve ever visited.
Perhaps that’s because both Bismarck and Eureka are truly small towns. While the outlying areas contribute some extra population and feed the regions’ collective energies, they still capture the essence of the quintessential small town, where traffic lights begin to blink before midnight and local television stations still sign off after the news, American flag waving in the last artificial light of the day.
While I’ve yet to see any flashing stop lights and haven’t watched any television (and trust me, I’ve been up late these past days!), this place still feels like it could be Bismarck, or Eureka, or fucking Mott, North Dakota, for all intensive purposes. There’s a lot of connection with nature – what I feel is the true essence of small-town Americana – and that’s added immeasurable energy and quality to this experience.
This place feels like my home. Among all the things that have made me take a step back in amazement – hell, simply hanging out with Kris and Zan – the idea that this place is so naturally mine is wild, just absolutely off the hook. In only a few days it’s opened my eyes to the fact that Bismarck may not be my final resting place, that there’s plenty of other places in this world I could call home and feel at home, be at home.
Here I can eat at the Village Inn, fill gas at Tesoro, and buy frolf discs at Big 5. But it’s unique enough that I can eat vegan Chinese food with a group of absolutely amazing people, something I just can’t do anywhere else. And right now, that means everything.
This place, this experience, is raw, surreal, almost holy. Intensely spiritual. The past few days have been an incredible journey of self-exploration and simple outward exploration, a mesh of environment and spirit. And for me, that’s powerful stuff – this is a place that’s brought me back to really who I am and where I’ve come from.
Utah stands unique among the places I’ve visited in that it’s truly a middle ground; in between the two facets of me – Bismarck Goat and California Goat – this place lies. During my entire time here this feeling has pervaded almost all of my reflective thought, but it never really came to the surface until yesterday.
Realizing that this place serves as a balancing point in my life came to me in an awfully anticlimactic way. See, like most of metropolitan America, this region is interspersed with a dash of corporate commercialism; you have your garden-variety assortment of Best Buys, Circuit Cities, Targets, Wal-Marts, and Burger Kings. This smattering of stores isn’t alone what helped me to understand the power and allure of this place, however, but just one store in particular – Big 5. In Eureka, it was one of our largest sporting goods retailers, so it was a familiar sight to me when I glimpsed it on our way to Evergreen’s, a vegan Chinese restaurant up the road in Salt Lake.
For some strange reason, simply seeing this store – and a variety of others common in Bismarck and Fargo – made me think of both my homes at the same time. It wasn’t one right after the other, but in exact harmony, a bizarre synthesis of the two – but it felt right. That’s the way this place feels to me. In many ways, on many levels, it seems natural and easy. There’s been little adjustment needed, and this city – large as it is – feels a lot like any small town you’ve ever visited.
Perhaps that’s because both Bismarck and Eureka are truly small towns. While the outlying areas contribute some extra population and feed the regions’ collective energies, they still capture the essence of the quintessential small town, where traffic lights begin to blink before midnight and local television stations still sign off after the news, American flag waving in the last artificial light of the day.
While I’ve yet to see any flashing stop lights and haven’t watched any television (and trust me, I’ve been up late these past days!), this place still feels like it could be Bismarck, or Eureka, or fucking Mott, North Dakota, for all intensive purposes. There’s a lot of connection with nature – what I feel is the true essence of small-town Americana – and that’s added immeasurable energy and quality to this experience.
This place feels like my home. Among all the things that have made me take a step back in amazement – hell, simply hanging out with Kris and Zan – the idea that this place is so naturally mine is wild, just absolutely off the hook. In only a few days it’s opened my eyes to the fact that Bismarck may not be my final resting place, that there’s plenty of other places in this world I could call home and feel at home, be at home.
Here I can eat at the Village Inn, fill gas at Tesoro, and buy frolf discs at Big 5. But it’s unique enough that I can eat vegan Chinese food with a group of absolutely amazing people, something I just can’t do anywhere else. And right now, that means everything.
7.03.2004
Good morning, folks. I guess it's technically morning, that is, but for me, it's still night I suppose. Either way, I hope it's good for ya. :)
I just got back from kicking it with Pink, Brianne, Becky, Cody, Jen, and some other peeps - after hanging with the girl for awhile. All in all both experiences were pretty rad, but i'm sure i could elaborate on them for hours should i choose to give into a desire to chat. Alas, i'm somewhat zonked, so it's likely best I just hit the sack.
What I did want to make light of was this: back in the summer of 2002 (to some of you, the infamous "Black Summer" - if you, reader, are privy to certain details you'll know why this summer is aptly labled as such...) i wrote a short autobiography in a half-assed attempt to explain myself better on my website (you'll see a link to it on the left hand side of this page).
Well, number one, dude: not to put myself on a pedestal, since that's not the idear, but i'm a bit more complex than i thought, and two or three pages sooo doesn't cut it for a bio. Two: It's old. Three: I feel like i need to write, especially after my little SLC trip this past week. I can't explain this strange sense of immediacy, but it's there - and strong.
So i reckon i shall write. Perhaps tomorrow after getting up, scoring some breakfast, and lifting - or even in between - i'll start rewriting the bio. This should be a hell of an interesting experience, i think, if i go at it with some determination and drive. And get this - since you're reading this journal, you must inherently kick lots of ass; you so get first dibs on it, dude, when it's done.
Now, don't get too excited... :)
Until then, reader, have a wonderful rest of the night if you are still awake, and have some splendid dreams tonight. Preferably ones of those that matter the most, the kind that let you wake with smiles.
I just got back from kicking it with Pink, Brianne, Becky, Cody, Jen, and some other peeps - after hanging with the girl for awhile. All in all both experiences were pretty rad, but i'm sure i could elaborate on them for hours should i choose to give into a desire to chat. Alas, i'm somewhat zonked, so it's likely best I just hit the sack.
What I did want to make light of was this: back in the summer of 2002 (to some of you, the infamous "Black Summer" - if you, reader, are privy to certain details you'll know why this summer is aptly labled as such...) i wrote a short autobiography in a half-assed attempt to explain myself better on my website (you'll see a link to it on the left hand side of this page).
Well, number one, dude: not to put myself on a pedestal, since that's not the idear, but i'm a bit more complex than i thought, and two or three pages sooo doesn't cut it for a bio. Two: It's old. Three: I feel like i need to write, especially after my little SLC trip this past week. I can't explain this strange sense of immediacy, but it's there - and strong.
So i reckon i shall write. Perhaps tomorrow after getting up, scoring some breakfast, and lifting - or even in between - i'll start rewriting the bio. This should be a hell of an interesting experience, i think, if i go at it with some determination and drive. And get this - since you're reading this journal, you must inherently kick lots of ass; you so get first dibs on it, dude, when it's done.
Now, don't get too excited... :)
Until then, reader, have a wonderful rest of the night if you are still awake, and have some splendid dreams tonight. Preferably ones of those that matter the most, the kind that let you wake with smiles.
7.02.2004
Hey, punkers!
I'm just on my way out for the night; to grab dinner with my girl (Elizabeth, mind ya ... been together for what, like ... holy fuck, six months on the fourth of july here, wow) over at her place, hang out, and then eventually meet up with Pink and Brianne and possibly some other folk later on. If you, reader, should happen to find yourself in bismarck and awfully bored, give me a shout-out on my cell. I'd love to see you.
And if you're not in bismarck... get yo ass here! :)
I'll pop in eventually here, when i get a good chance, to tell ya'll about the absofuckinglutely amazing trip Pink and I just took to SLC, the two rush concerts we saw (yeah - TWO!), and all about kicking it with kris and zan, which was totally awesome.
Until then, reader, have a pleasant evening. Enjoy this gorgeous summer night, and if you see any fireworks just let your mind wander... let yourself be humbled a bit by their erratic and dangerous beauty, and let them remind you of all those fun times as a kid, sitting by the water, enthralled at the sights, the sounds, the experience of being alive.
I'm just on my way out for the night; to grab dinner with my girl (Elizabeth, mind ya ... been together for what, like ... holy fuck, six months on the fourth of july here, wow) over at her place, hang out, and then eventually meet up with Pink and Brianne and possibly some other folk later on. If you, reader, should happen to find yourself in bismarck and awfully bored, give me a shout-out on my cell. I'd love to see you.
And if you're not in bismarck... get yo ass here! :)
I'll pop in eventually here, when i get a good chance, to tell ya'll about the absofuckinglutely amazing trip Pink and I just took to SLC, the two rush concerts we saw (yeah - TWO!), and all about kicking it with kris and zan, which was totally awesome.
Until then, reader, have a pleasant evening. Enjoy this gorgeous summer night, and if you see any fireworks just let your mind wander... let yourself be humbled a bit by their erratic and dangerous beauty, and let them remind you of all those fun times as a kid, sitting by the water, enthralled at the sights, the sounds, the experience of being alive.