Hola!  I just decided to write another poem, so here goes!  It feels to me like it's incomplete, but hey, perhaps that's just because i'm a) fuckin tired and can't think straight anymore, or b) because it's so awfully hard for me to consider something complete in the first place.  Alas.  I'm sure i'll work on it more someday, especially if i ever try to compile these things and - gasp! - publish some stuff.  The Goat's not entirely too sure if he could pull that one off, but hey, some folks think it's okay, so maybe they see something i don't.  :)  Either way, i have a blast doing it, so it's all good regardless.

I rarely explain my poetry to people - i much rather they simply let it speak to them in its own way, for each individual - but i will say this:  I found myself out at Double Ditch with a friend of mine last night, and for some reason it was quite a spiritual experience... likely because of the energy of the place, and the stars being out and what not, and often when I find myself dropped into an unexpected spiritual "whoa" type of thing, one that lasts for a good while, i start reflecting inwardly on stuff.  And, should i harness those feelings, i can usually crank out a poem or two or something like that.  (as an aside, i have a really hard time just writing poetry or short stuff unless i have a profound - or semi profound - spiritual experience to draw off of..)

So anyways, without further ado, here's my latest bantering.  Hopefully you had an excellent day, reader.  Sleep well tonight, and stay warm - it might be a chilly one tonight, but there's plenty more warm days ahead.




night comes and so begins
the wandering
aimless in the witching hour

I reach the land’s edge and feel
elements melting into heavier stuff
dark water, crisp sky, heavy brushstrokes of cloud
in a tango with the spirits
all beneath the spotlight beam of a bloated moon

the dance captures me
compels me to pause, blind and lost
tricks me into reflection
and I ask, pause with me too
don’t leave me alone

return to yesterday for a limited time–
come back with me to this place we know
we’re just two souls living in divided time
a million miles apart
but here we can be one –

‘cause the same fat moon I see
shines down everywhere
casting its beam on our smiles and tears
lighting our eyes, firing our dreams
and blending us together
if even for
a single limited eternity


I guess tonight is crazyass poem-writin' Monday.  I reckon i rather like this'un, and I hope ya'll do, too.

Being creative kicks ass.  Many thanks to Zan and Kris for somehow helping me to realize what i've been missing out on for so long.  You guys simply kick ass.  :)

Peace, reader, and have a night filled with pleasant dreams.




it’s coming –
soon, but not now –
yet we feel it – you and I, the birds, trees, and even those fierce clouds
that scurry over us at night and recklessly explode
they tell me I’m alive
and we feel the imminent winter

night falls and its compelling story beckons softly
folds me into its last secret summer pages
and I walk the late hours,
still leaves above me forming a natural mesh
between the open night and my love, the stars
that dance between my eyes and the canopy blanket
as it moves, shifts, dances to a sad tune
remembered long ago
my head next to hers
the scent of her hair playful, subtle
endless fragrance of the world
wrapped up tight, tucked in, underneath the blanket
that holds me tonight
between those heavy pages of existence

but tales pause, sometimes even end, and I know
I must revisit my different story
the life of hidden stars and the music of steel
an epic of little green, black streets, and few dreams,
all simple vanilla nothingness
printed on rice-paper pages
so easily torn

but I’ll pause for a bit
because there’s no need to go home
when tonight will last forever



The goat's back, fueled by some lovely General Mills cereal tastiness, and by an extreme lack of sleep!  Not only that, i'm rockin at fucking eight in the morning on a Saturday (when I really ought to be sleeping) jamming out to one of my mix CDs.  It's seriously all about mixing up songs, dude.  While i've made better mixes, i like this particular one since it takes the listener (me, mostly - although the Lobster, i know, has the disc as well) on a bit of ride.  Not necessarily the cliched "emotional rollercoaster" but a simple journey, if nothing else.  It's definately traveling music - music for the nights where the call of the road is simply to strong to ignore, the fragrance of the air simply too rich to withstand, the song of night simply too sweet to resist.

Songs I Adore, Volume 1

The Smashing Pumpkins - The Everlasting Gaze
Rush - Vapor Trail
The Smashing Pumpkins - Stand Inside Your Love
Live - Run to the Water
Radiohead - Let Down
Dave Matthews Band - Lie In Our Graves
Dave Matthews Band - Where are you Going
David Gray - Say Hello Wave Goodbye
Afro Celt Sound System - Persistence of Memory
Radiohead - Lucky
Radiohead - Subterranean Homesick Alien
Loreena McKennitt - Night Ride Across the Caucasus
Dave Matthews Band - Grace is Gone
Apocalyptica - Oh Holy Night
I do that on almost all of my mixes, aside from discs used for spin class or other exercising - and parties.  If i can successfully turn the action of basic listening and enjoyment of the songs into a journey through the listener's life and ultimately inner self, I feel like, well, it's a kick-ass mix.

This one will no doubt take me on a nice, well-needed journey this morning.

I feel like the past few weeks have been so fucking messed up.  I talked with my close friend the Lobster the other day, and I more or less said, dude, my chi has done a complete 180.  From parting ways with my girlfriend to meeting a local girl that is really grooving on me to being away from some pretty important people in my life, things have been crazy.

My ex girlfriend and I were together for over six months, and although we didn't do a whole lot ... on a few levels ... that's a substantial chunk of time.  One invests a lot into a relationship, especially one that you're continuously trying to salvage, so when it ended i was left feeling a bit empty.  The best way I could describe the feeling was like getting off of a plane, alone, that you thought was bound for someplace you know - let's say SLC,- but end up in some cracked-out place like Tahiti.  While Tahiti would be pretty sweet, all things considered, it's no SLC.  Likely devoid of such familar things like statues of the angel Moroni and Wal-Marts, it would offer all sorts of new experiences.  However, you're by yourself.

Then, while dealing with the adjustment of being single, bam! Nic and Nicole take it upon themselves to try and set me up with this friend of theirs, not a few days after the breakup.  I have to hand it to them, i suppose, for thinking of me and trying to find me someone, but this one just isn't my dig, to put it right out there.  She's fun, don't get me wrong, but having a friend one can go out with once and awhile is one thing, but a relationship is a whole 'nother bear, reader.  The situation is a bit more complicated, too, because she's so awfully into me.  Like, to the point of being possessive of me when we're out on the town.  One of the servers at the restaurant/bar we dropped into last night was digging on me, too, and was flirting like it was going out of style.  To be true, she actually really offended me by making fun of my name (i'm sure she thought it was playful, given the context of everything else, but dude.... that's not cool, man), but that's not the primary point.  The deal is, man, she was being a total spaz about this.  And goat's aren't generally used to that.  Alas, the furry creatures are used to people trusting them, for they're fairly placid creatures.  They may bleat occasionally if annoyed or provoked, but most of the time they simply keep to themselves, muching on tin cans and shoelaces and such.

So when said girl starts raising concerns about how many girl friends i have, i'm just like, whoa.  Yes, i admit, a good portion of my friends are girls - perhaps more than half - but what's wrong with that?  I guess it befuddles me that someone wouldn't trust me.  Of course, on the flip side, i've caught lots of shit from some friends and family for being too trusting myself, so maybe this is an all-around issue: thinking that people are inherently good, pure, and trusting.  The older and older i get, the more i realise that's not the complete truth, and it doesn't piss me off - it disappoints me.

Plus, she's older than me.  While being older isn't a big deal, sometimes, she's old enough that there's a big difference in what we've both experienced in life.  Hers has been way more wild than mine, mostly the "bad" side of wild, and mine has been nothing short of, well, good.  I've had my share of ups and downs - the Black Summer of 2002, for example, and some interesting childhood memories from back at that thar mo-bile home park i grew up in - but when i look back on my life, it's been lots of fun, and for the most part, good.

I could go on and on about why her and I simpy wouldn't work in the long term, but even before all that stuff lies a basic, important fact:  I just don't feel the same way about her that she does for me.  With her I've never felt that deep, resonant click of a new connection.  That's important to me!  Perhaps i'm a bit weird, but that's something that I look for.  I'm a bit of a believer in connections and this nebulous thing I call "the path" or "the flow."  If something isn't in the path, or the flow of things, it can register a bit negatively.  Because deep down I know it's not meant to be, for some reason.  That doesn't necessarily mean we can't learn from experiences or take some positives away from the messes we deal with from time to time, but the real stuff, the true stuff - I know deep-down if it's mean to be, and if it's not, I'll move along, along the path.

Sometimes, though, the path gets blocked and you need to take a detour.  With not much effort I can look back with impeccable hindsight and see where I veered off course.  There are times where this is almost necessary - required if for no other reason than to keep your sanity.  However, there are just as many times where veering off course isn't the best idea, and you know it when you do it.  Right now, i'm struggling a bit to get back onto the path, although i almost always let the flow take me where it will.

Perhaps this slight stray from my normal course is in the plan, and it's meant to teach me something.  Not the ex/gf breakup thing, but the other girl, the one who wants me but i really don't.  What will this teach me?  What will it show me, about myself, and others?  What will it help me do? 

So many questions!  Too bad there's noone I can ask, noone I can call for a quick fix.  These issues aren't quickly patched, though, with a little plaster or nail-hole filler.  No, these can be full replace-the-drywall jobs, because afterwards, you come out a bit newer, a bit stronger.  And they're things you need to ultimately do yourself, with no free Home Depot course to show you the way.  But in the big picture of life, this will probably be just a tiny bump in the road, an experience that if nothing else taught me a little bit more about who I am.

Fuck - it feels like the SLC experience took my soul and amplified it by a thousand times, like someone unscrewed a tiny christmas light from it and rammed in a concert-grade spotlight.  This whole summer has brought me back so much to myself, and reminded me of who I was.  While dating my ex girlfriend I lost a bit of that - let myself forget who i was, in a way.  I'm glad it's back.

Damn... i should stop writing!  I know you're saddened, reader, but today's a big day!  This afternoon is our company picnic, which i had the pleasure of planning myself.  This requires a bit of coordination - as there are about 130 people showing up - so I should go tend to that, and other errands I must run.  Until we speak again, have a wonderful Saturday filled with smiles.
I'm seriously going to come back and write this morning... because I need to, but... yeah, ah, i'm fucking starving.  Let me go quickly pound down some honey nut cheerios, the mother of all cereals, and then come back.  Goats write better after being fed their breakfast.  :)  They also can get awfully creative (ie "special") when running on a bit of sleep deprivation, which is the case right now - so I'll divulge my latest happenings soon, perhaps in a fairly creative and interesting way.  Or not.  Either way, i'm comin' back!


Should i go forwards or backwards?
Or am i strong enough to even make the right choice?


Wow... so i might be a new homeowner within a day or two!  I put in an offer today for a home in Mandan, ND; a nice 4-bedroom, 1 and 3/4 bath unit complete with fairly-new Frigidaire Gallery appliances and a whirlpool bathtub (boo-ya! hehe).  Built in 1995 and topping out at an amazing 2260 square feet, it ought to be quite the nice Goat pad.
Not to mention it has vaulted cielings and a two-stall garage.  Hells yeah!
You have no idea how nervous i am.  This is insanity, pure and true.
Hope you sleep well tonight!  Who knows if i will... :)


After reading those song lyrics, So Many Roads, that's really all i want, man - the road that takes me home.  The road that takes me to my core, to the center of who i am and what i will be, what i can become.  The road that takes me to the one I love, the true girl that loves me - the road to the girl that I can learn from and live life with and that will be my inspiration to be something better, to be someone greater than myself, yet still myself, a basic extension, or extrapolation of what i can be.
I want to find a road to the future.  A road that leads me back home, to the home I always knew existed, and do know exists - the home within my self, my spirit, my special place.  My cave, if you will (for those Fight Club junkies) - and there i shall find my power animal.  That animal isn't a penguin, but a Goat, myself, really - yet still a penguin.  A pineapple-loving penguin who has fur and bleats and loves Killian's Irish Red and loves spending time with friends and has a soft spot for nice, fun girls ... that also feeds off the engery of an array of exciting things like concerts and long-distance-yet-somehow-oddly-transcendant connections.
I want to find that road home.  How can I?  How can I be courageous enough to tune into what I know is myself?  How can I leap from the diving board into the absolute unknown, and take an ultimate risk, all the while knowing what the outcome will be - pure success.  How can I make that choice?  The choice to drive towards happiness, to take exit 1-A, the exit that will indeed lead me to love, contentment, understanding - fuckin' learning and growth, man - when I don't know what the road entails?  Or how to even find exit 1-A, for Christ's sake.  I don't know where it is, and i know there's no map to guide me.
I must really become my own cartographer, a peice of paper upon which I can chart my course.  But it's so awfully hard picking up the pen.  It becomes even harder knowing exactly what to draw, what exact course you must illustrate.
All i ask for is the courage to find my road home.
Sleep well tonight, and dream of that special person you love, the person who's captivated your heart - the person you see at night, the one you connect with in the night, subconsciously, reaching out, seeking that road... the one that leads home.


Yeah... i know, song lyrics posted as blog entries can be somewhat lame, but hey - it's a cool song!  Aren't they all?  :)  But for me to post lyrics it really does have to be a special tune.  Check it out.
Back to work with me!  Peace.
The Grateful Dead - So Many Roads
Thought I heard a blackbird singin'
up on Bluebird Hill
Call me a whinin' boy if you will
Born where the sun don't shine
and I don't deny my name
Got no place to go, ain't that a shame?

Thought I heard that KC whistle
moanin' sweet & low
Thought I heard that KC when she blow
Down where the sun don't shine
Underneath the Kokomo
Whinin' boy -- got no place else to go

So many roads I tell you
So many roads I know
So many roads --
so many roads --
Mountain high, river wide
So many roads to ride
So many roads
So many roads

Thought I heard a jug band playin
'"If you don't -- who else will?"
from over on the far side of the hill
All I know the sun don't shine,
the rain refuse to fall
and you don't seem to hear me when I call

Wind inside & the wind outside
Tangled in the window blind
Tell me why you treat me so unkind
Down where the sun don't shine
Lonely and I call your name
No place left to go, ain't that a shame?

So many roads I tell you
New York to San Francisco
All I want is one to take me home
From the high road to the low
So many roads I know
So many roads - So many roads

From the land of the midnight sun
where ice blue roses grow'
long those roads of gold and silver snow
Howlin' wide or moanin low
So many roads I know
So many roads to ease my soul


What the hell... i didn't even finish telling you what i did tonight!  I'm so scatterbrained lately it's ridiculous.
After writing a letter - there's one more to go - i took a break and called Dustin (hey, my hand was tired!), and spoke to him for about an hour.  Then, out of the blue, my cell rang and delivered me a cool suprise - a call from Kris!  We shot the breeze for about half an hour, which was awesome, talking about all sorts of things, as we normally do.  Unfortunately we don't get to talk a whole lot, but when we do chat - via email or otherwise - it totally kicks ass.
Then, after meandering upstars to fold the everfucking laundry, i found myself here, blogging away, staying up till the wee hours, past my bedtime, creating.  Ain't life grand?
Time for me to sleep.  And you, too.  Dream well, and keep smilin'.
Tonight has kicked quite a bit of ass.  Although i worked for some insane length of time on a speech-enabled GPS data collection application at the office today,  I came home and cooked, first off.  Mind you, it wasn't some wicked five-course italian extravaganza, but it was still good (frozen ravioli with a nice tomato cream sauce).  And i just love to cook; it's almost like cycling, jogging - and sometimes programming:  I get into the zone and let myself go, submitting entirely to the whims of creation.  Be it creating code, the written word (arguably a bit more renaissance than C# or Perl or something), or even a sleeker, sexier Goat via delectable bits of Spinning, jogging, or mountain biking, it's all a fucking trip.
After my adventure in the kitchen, i decided it was high time to write some letters.  Lately i've been feeling this intense push to write, simply to fucking write anything - hence this post tonight.  The SLC trip somehow lit a firecracker and shoved it up my goat-ass; ever since coming back i've had this mad jones to create like a complete tweaker.
(Incidentally this is probably related to the fact that Zan and I talked a lot about writing, making me go "wait, I used to do that once, didn't I?" and something about Kris that just makes me think of her as my (or a) Muse, it's ... an unfamiliar yet completely awesome feeling, something totally new and out of the blue ... but that's another discussion for another time.)
But have I written my ass off, like a crazed goat with a firecracker shoved in that "special place"?  Alas, no.  The reasons for that I'm sure are multifold, but the first one that comes to mind is the age-old excuse of "I've been working too much."  There's a bit of truth to the argument, but it only holds so much weight, when you strip off all the layers of bullshit and look at it for what it is.
I've really had the time - it's simply been allocated to other matters.  I've actually spent a fair amount of time with friends this week, both in person and in other ways, such as phone and email.  I've talked with both Zan and Kris, as well as Dustin, and Brad, and Meri.  And i've had the pleasure of seeing both of the Nics.  Perhaps i've kept in contact more because I broke up with my girlfriend this past Sunday, but her and I generally didn't keep in close contact during the week simply due to our divergent work schedules.  In other words, I reckon she ain't the cause.
Whatever the cause may be, it hauls to be in touch with my crew.  They really are the center of who I am - besides who I uniquely am, of course - from people on the social periphery to those on the geographic sidelines, to those close spiritually, to those close physically.  Dude, like down the street physical, not like Barry White physical, come on, mind out of the gutter, reader!
Anyways, so i've been spending some time keeping connected.  This rocks.  Alas, it's taken some time away from me that could have been spent writing.  One's got to cut their losses somewhere, though, I suppose.  If you're presented with a tremendous King Arthur-style buffet table full of all sorts of tasties, like tiramisu, Killian's, Guinness, Jagermeister, coconut cream pie, and smoked salmon, what in the world would you pick?  They all rock, and sometimes you just have to pick one.
The world is your burrito; it's your choice whether you seize the beans or the cheese.
Okay, i have no idea what the fuck i just said.
Maybe that's my cue to hit the sack.  Hopefully this made some sense tonight; this post was a bit more inwardly-reflective of others and seemed to, i dunno, come from somewhere else than the others - so hopefully it didn't totally blow.  I'll cross my fingers and hope.  Either way, I wish you, reader, a pleasant Thursday night.  May it be everything you expected, and more.


Hola, reader. I'm just on my way to bed here (it's far too late past my bedtime!) but I felt it prudent to pop in and, if nothing else, wish ya'll a mighty-fine day tomorrow - i reckon it'll be a spittin' good time.

k... i'll cut the hick thing, hehe. :) My luck, i'd dream of being on the farm all night or something. While appropriate given my barnyard-animal status (Goat), i'd rather dream of other things, like fast cars, girls, and concerts. Or hell, all three!

Rest assured, though, I'll likely have a wonderful night either way. And i hope you do too, reader. Dream some happy dreams and have a joyous Wednesday.


It's amazing how shaken up one's world can get by an attractive, fun woman who thinks you are not only cute but also have an incredibly soothing voice.

wow. this changes everything.

have a wonderful Saturday night, reader, and stay happy and safe.


From 6/29/04, in Provo, UT:

This place, this experience, is raw, surreal, almost holy. Intensely spiritual. The past few days have been an incredible journey of self-exploration and simple outward exploration, a mesh of environment and spirit. And for me, that’s powerful stuff – this is a place that’s brought me back to really who I am and where I’ve come from.

Utah stands unique among the places I’ve visited in that it’s truly a middle ground; in between the two facets of me – Bismarck Goat and California Goat – this place lies. During my entire time here this feeling has pervaded almost all of my reflective thought, but it never really came to the surface until yesterday.

Realizing that this place serves as a balancing point in my life came to me in an awfully anticlimactic way. See, like most of metropolitan America, this region is interspersed with a dash of corporate commercialism; you have your garden-variety assortment of Best Buys, Circuit Cities, Targets, Wal-Marts, and Burger Kings. This smattering of stores isn’t alone what helped me to understand the power and allure of this place, however, but just one store in particular – Big 5. In Eureka, it was one of our largest sporting goods retailers, so it was a familiar sight to me when I glimpsed it on our way to Evergreen’s, a vegan Chinese restaurant up the road in Salt Lake.

For some strange reason, simply seeing this store – and a variety of others common in Bismarck and Fargo – made me think of both my homes at the same time. It wasn’t one right after the other, but in exact harmony, a bizarre synthesis of the two – but it felt right. That’s the way this place feels to me. In many ways, on many levels, it seems natural and easy. There’s been little adjustment needed, and this city – large as it is – feels a lot like any small town you’ve ever visited.

Perhaps that’s because both Bismarck and Eureka are truly small towns. While the outlying areas contribute some extra population and feed the regions’ collective energies, they still capture the essence of the quintessential small town, where traffic lights begin to blink before midnight and local television stations still sign off after the news, American flag waving in the last artificial light of the day.

While I’ve yet to see any flashing stop lights and haven’t watched any television (and trust me, I’ve been up late these past days!), this place still feels like it could be Bismarck, or Eureka, or fucking Mott, North Dakota, for all intensive purposes. There’s a lot of connection with nature – what I feel is the true essence of small-town Americana – and that’s added immeasurable energy and quality to this experience.

This place feels like my home. Among all the things that have made me take a step back in amazement – hell, simply hanging out with Kris and Zan – the idea that this place is so naturally mine is wild, just absolutely off the hook. In only a few days it’s opened my eyes to the fact that Bismarck may not be my final resting place, that there’s plenty of other places in this world I could call home and feel at home, be at home.

Here I can eat at the Village Inn, fill gas at Tesoro, and buy frolf discs at Big 5. But it’s unique enough that I can eat vegan Chinese food with a group of absolutely amazing people, something I just can’t do anywhere else. And right now, that means everything.


Oh... by the way, i have an entry that i wrote whilst in slc, but it's on the laptop, so i'll have to transfer it off there tomorrow and post it here. Just so you're not waiting in suspense going "well what the fuck Goat, where's my shit?"

Tomorrow... *crosses fingers*
Good morning, folks. I guess it's technically morning, that is, but for me, it's still night I suppose. Either way, I hope it's good for ya. :)

I just got back from kicking it with Pink, Brianne, Becky, Cody, Jen, and some other peeps - after hanging with the girl for awhile. All in all both experiences were pretty rad, but i'm sure i could elaborate on them for hours should i choose to give into a desire to chat. Alas, i'm somewhat zonked, so it's likely best I just hit the sack.

What I did want to make light of was this: back in the summer of 2002 (to some of you, the infamous "Black Summer" - if you, reader, are privy to certain details you'll know why this summer is aptly labled as such...) i wrote a short autobiography in a half-assed attempt to explain myself better on my website (you'll see a link to it on the left hand side of this page).

Well, number one, dude: not to put myself on a pedestal, since that's not the idear, but i'm a bit more complex than i thought, and two or three pages sooo doesn't cut it for a bio. Two: It's old. Three: I feel like i need to write, especially after my little SLC trip this past week. I can't explain this strange sense of immediacy, but it's there - and strong.

So i reckon i shall write. Perhaps tomorrow after getting up, scoring some breakfast, and lifting - or even in between - i'll start rewriting the bio. This should be a hell of an interesting experience, i think, if i go at it with some determination and drive. And get this - since you're reading this journal, you must inherently kick lots of ass; you so get first dibs on it, dude, when it's done.

Now, don't get too excited... :)

Until then, reader, have a wonderful rest of the night if you are still awake, and have some splendid dreams tonight. Preferably ones of those that matter the most, the kind that let you wake with smiles.


Hey, punkers!

I'm just on my way out for the night; to grab dinner with my girl (Elizabeth, mind ya ... been together for what, like ... holy fuck, six months on the fourth of july here, wow) over at her place, hang out, and then eventually meet up with Pink and Brianne and possibly some other folk later on. If you, reader, should happen to find yourself in bismarck and awfully bored, give me a shout-out on my cell. I'd love to see you.

And if you're not in bismarck... get yo ass here! :)

I'll pop in eventually here, when i get a good chance, to tell ya'll about the absofuckinglutely amazing trip Pink and I just took to SLC, the two rush concerts we saw (yeah - TWO!), and all about kicking it with kris and zan, which was totally awesome.

Until then, reader, have a pleasant evening. Enjoy this gorgeous summer night, and if you see any fireworks just let your mind wander... let yourself be humbled a bit by their erratic and dangerous beauty, and let them remind you of all those fun times as a kid, sitting by the water, enthralled at the sights, the sounds, the experience of being alive.